


Fearful Reality

by Axey1677



Series: Threatening Realisations [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Dissociative Identity Disorder, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Family Issues, Kidnapping, Plot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Sequel, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-08-29 06:38:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 50,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16738966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Axey1677/pseuds/Axey1677
Summary: Based one year after Threatening Realisations - Alternative endingAs he struggles to come to terms with the events of the past, Rafael finds himself face to face with Chief Carter once again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure that I was going to write a sequel but here it is! I hope you enjoy. If you haven't read Threatening Realisations I highly recommend that you do as this one is based after the alternative ending.

Carter was sitting in his cell when he heard a news reporter on the TV outside; “Nine months after the incarceration of Chief James Carter, it’s finally beginning to look like his underground operation is crumbling. After their encounter with Mr Carter all those months ago, retired ADA Rafael Barba and the Special Victims Unit, have personally seen to undoing the corruption inside law enforcement.”

Carter slowly stood up and walked towards the edge of his cell; wrapping his hands around the bars, tightly, he yelled, “Turn it up!”

A guard slowly turned the volume up as the news reporter continued; “I had the chance to ask Mr Barba about his thoughts on the matter and this is what he had to say-“

“Carter is exactly where he belongs,” Rafael’s voice travelled through the cells. “It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do… No one is above the law.”

“How has it been for you personally since his incarceration? What’s it been like to deal with your mothers death?” the reporter pushed.

“I’m not here to talk about that,” Rafael growled.

Carter tapped his finger quickly on the bar as he listened; “What about those scars? Do they ever remind you of what happened?” the reporter rushed.

“I’m done talking,” Rafael huffed, “I’m late to pick up my son.”

“Fucking coward,” Carter snarled as he shook the bars.

“OI! Cut that out!” the guard yelled.

Carter was shaking with anger as he turned back into his cell; “He thinks he can get away with destroying me life!” He gripped the side of his mattress and through it across the cell, “ _We’re not done yet!”_

 

*

 

A month later, Noah opened the car door; tossing his bag across the back seat as he got in, “Hey Daddy.”

Rafael twisted his body as he smiled, “Hey Kiddo, how was school?”

Closing the door Noah muttered, “It was okay, we got to play outside.”

“Well that’s good,” Rafael replied. Turning back to the front he mumbled, “Seat belt on?”

“Yep,” Noah said. Rafael checked his surroundings before pulling away from the curb; as they began to their journey home Noah sighed, “Hey Daddy?”

“Mmm,” Rafael mindlessly answered as he drove.

“Um,” Noah hesitated, “Some people at school are asking me questions.”

Rafael flicked his eyes to the rear view mirror to see Noah as he said, “What questions?” Noah looked uncomfortable as he shifted in his seat; the boys gaze turning to the window. “What questions Noah?” Rafael repeated.

“They ask me how you got your scars,” Noah sighed.

Rafael shifted his gaze from Noah to his own face; seeing the deep scar running down his cheek, “Oh,” he mumbled. Returning his gaze to the road he asked, “What do you tell them?”

“Nothing,” Noah said quickly, “Just that you got it from work.”

“Okay,” Rafael nodded.

They sat in silence for a moment until Noah worked up enough nerve to ask, “What did happen?”

“Noah,” he sighed.

“Is it why you don’t get out of the car?” he asked. Rafael remained silent; as the buildings zoomed passed the window Noah said, “Daddy?”

Do you want me to get out of the car when I pick you up?” Rafael asked.

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, “All the other parents do… Mommy does.”

Rafael took a deep breath, “She does?”

“I don’t mind,” Noah reassured, “It’s okay.”

“We can discuss this later,” Rafael frowned.

“What did the bad guy do?” Noah questioned.

“I said we will discuss it later,” Rafael said firmly.

Noah took a deep breath as he leaned back into his chair; he watched as the people moved quickly out of view, “Are you mad at me?”

Rafael sighed, “No, I’m sorry.”

“Are you having a bad day again?”

Rafael shook his head as he turned the corner, “You shouldn’t have to worry about that.” The car fell into a tense silence as they drove home; when they stopped Noah grabbed his bag and was about to get out of the car when Rafael twisted in his seat, “Do you have homework?”

“Yeah,” Noah sighed.

“How about when we get inside, you set it up on the dining room table and I can help you,” Rafael suggested.

“Okay,” Noah nodded as he jumped out of the car, closing the door. Rafael shortly after did the same; he locked the car and started towards the elevator along side Noah. “When’s Mommy coming home?”

“Soon,” Rafael sighed, “She’ll be home soon.”

  

Rafael was sitting with Noah at the dining table working on some math homework when they heard the front door open; “Looks like Mommy’s home,” Rafael smiled as he stood up. “Why don’t you finish this equation then go watch some TV?”

“Okay,” Noah nodded.

Rafael made his way down the hallway and saw Olivia hanging up her jacket at the front door; he quietly walked up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. “Welcome home,” he smiled as he kissed her cheek.

She turned in his arms, “Someone’s in a good mood,” she laughed.

“I’ve just missed you,” Rafael shrugged as he leaned in. He paused just before he reached her lips, “Miss me?”

His breath hot on her skin, “Shut up and kiss me,” she smiled closing the gap.  
Rafael tightened his grasp, pulling her closer, as he passionately kissed her; after a moment it broke, leaving them both slightly out of breath, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she smiled. When Rafael let go of her she looked around, “Where’s Noah?”

“Um, he’s finishing his homework,” Rafael answered. Olivia nodded and started to leave when Rafael grabbed her hand, “We need to talk about him.”

“What’s wrong?” she questioned. “Is he in trouble?”

“No,” he reassured, “Go say hello to him, he’s been waiting for you… When you’re done, I’ll be in our room.”

“Rafael, what’s going on?” Olivia asked.

“It’s nothing,” Rafael sighed. “Just meet me in our room.”

Olivia looked confused as she turned away from him and disappeared into the dining room; “How’s my boy!” she laughed.

Rafael took a deep breath as he turned into his room and made his way towards the bed; he sat on the edge of the bed, twiddling his thumbs, as he waited. Ten minutes later, he was starting to get restless when Olivia entered the room.

“What’s going on?” Olivia asked.

“You walk to Noah’s classroom when you pick him up, don’t you?” Rafael questioned.

“Yeah,” Olivia nodded. “What’s that got to do with anything?” she frowned, confused.

“I don’t,” he sighed.

“I know,” she shrugged, “We had this discussion a while back, you don’t need to.”

“Noah’s asking why I don’t,” he mumbled.

“Oh.”

“He’s been getting questions from some kids in his class,” Rafael sighed, “About me… About my scars.”

“They’re just kids,” Olivia reassured, “They’ll forget about it by tomorrow.”

Rafael slowly stood up from the bed, “Liv, Noah asked me if I was having a bad day… He shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

“He’s a good kid,” Olivia smiled, “He understands that some days are a little harder for you than you’d care to admit.”

“I should be looking after him,” Rafael sighed, “Not the other way around.”

“Was today a bad day?” Olivia asked.

“That’s not the point,” Rafael frowned.

“Rafael, he cares for you that’s all it is,” she comforted; taking hold of his hand. “That’s what families do, we look out for each other.”

Rafael traced his thumb in soft circles on the back of her hand as he said; “I think we should talk to him about what happened.”

“Rafi,” she sighed, “We told him when it happened.”

Rafael mumbled, “I mean if kids are going to ask him about it… Maybe we should give him something to respond with.”

“Do you want to?” Olivia questioned.

“I think it’s time he knew what actually happened, don’t you?” Rafael replied, letting go of her.

“Okay,” she nodded. “I’ll follow your lead.”

Rafael sighed, “It’s time.”

As he started for the door Olivia took hold of his hand again, “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“I have to be,” he mumbled.

“No Rafael,” she sighed, “If you don’t want to, then don’t. Don’t feel pressured into talking about it to Noah if you’re not ready.”

“He’s being cautious around me,” he muttered, “He knows I live in fear… He might as well understand why.” Before Olivia could say another word to convince him otherwise, Rafael brushed her off him and left their room. He heard footsteps behind him; checking over his shoulder he saw Olivia following him down the hallway. “Noah?” he called out.

“I’m watching TV,” he replied.

Taking a deep breath Rafael made his way towards the living room; as he entered he saw Noah, still in his school uniform, watching TV, “I think we need to have a chat.”

“About?” Noah questioned, “Am I in trouble?”

“What, no,” Rafael reassured as he sat next to Noah, “I just think that it’s time I started answering some of your questions.”

“Rafael was telling me that some kids have been asking questions,” Olivia added as she sat on the other side of Noah.

“I don’t tell them anything,” Noah rushed.

“It’s fine,” Rafael nodded, “But would you like to know what happened?”

Noah remained quiet as his head darted between his parents, “I… I don’t know.”

“What we’re about to tell you, I don’t want you repeating to your friends,” Olivia sighed. “Do you promise me that?”

“Okay,” Noah nodded.

Taking a deep breath Rafael asked, “What do you remember?”

“All you and Mommy said was that a bad guy did it,” Noah mumbled, “I remember visiting you in the hospital but we never talked about it.”

“Well, that’s exactly what happened,” Rafael said, “I was attacked.”

“By who?”

“His name…” Rafael paused, “He was a police Chief.”

“I thought police were the good guys,” Noah said confused.

“We are,” Olivia nodded, “But sometimes there are some who don’t follow the law themselves… That’s why when I tell you to not talk to strangers, including police, I want you to listen.”

Rafael waited until Noah looked back at him before continuing, “His name is James Carter.”

“What did he do?” Noah asked.

Rafael closed his eyes; when he felt Olivia’s hand on his shoulder he sighed, “He kidnapped me and…” Rafael felt a lump in his throat, “He, uh… He hurt me a lot. He tried to kill me.”

“But you don’t have to worry about him,” Olivia added, “We caught him and put him away for what he did.”

“I’m sorry I don’t get out of the car to pick you up,” Rafael said quietly, “Sometimes he still get to me.”

“But he’s in prison now?” Noah questioned.

“Just because someone is in prison doesn’t mean that everything else goes away,” Olivia interrupted; looking at Rafael. “Sometimes people are scarred after experiencing what Rafi went through. Not just physically and that’s why we look out for each other.”

“I don’t want you to have to look after me,” Rafael sighed, “It’s not your job to worry about me.”

“But Mommy says when you forget where you are to help you,” Noah mumbled, “I want to help.”

“You’re a good kid,” Rafael smiled. “How about we take a break from all this serious talking and watch some TV?”

“Can we watch a movie?” Noah asked.

“Sure,” Rafael nodded, “Go pick one.”

When Noah jumped off the lounge and ran towards the TV cabinet, Olivia slid closer to Rafael, “He asked me a few months back about your episodes when you just blank out then you’re all scared.”

“And you told him to help me,” Rafael frowned, “Liv, you know when I get like that I’m unpredictable.”

“He hates seeing you like that,” Olivia sighed, “He wanted to help so I told him how to.”

“I’ve hurt you a few times when I’m back with Carter,” Rafael mumbled; lifting his gaze to her. “I feel sick when I hurt you… What if next time it’s Noah?”

“I’ve warned him to keep his distance and to not touch you,” Olivia reassured, “You’ve been pretty good lately, it’s been a few months since you’ve had a really bad episode.”

“Not including my panic attacks,” Rafael muttered under his breath.

“Well you’re working on them,” Olivia comforted, “But look on the bright side, you’re getting better. You take Noah to the park every Saturday afternoon and I know that sometimes walking out that door is hard for you but you do it anyway for Noah.”

“He’s my son,” Rafael nodded, “I’d do anything for him.”

“I know,” she smiled, “We’re a family, we’ll get through this together-“

“I found one!” Noah grinned as he ran back to the lounge.

Rafael took the DVD from Noah, “Oo good choice,” he smiled. “I like this one.”

“Why don’t you put it on while I go make some popcorn?” Olivia suggested.

“Yay,” Noah laughed. As Rafael slowly stood up from the lounge Noah said, “Wait! I’ve gotta get Charlie.”

“Charlie?” Rafael questioned, “You think Charlie wants to watch this one?”

“Charlie watches eevvverything,” Noah giggled as he ran out of the room.

Looking over his shoulder to Olivia Rafael smiled, “I can’t believe he still likes that stuffed dog after all this time.”

“Like it?” Olivia said raising an eyebrow, “He loves it.” Rafael laughed as he turned back towards the TV; as Olivia made her way towards the doorway she asked, “Are you having some popcorn?”

“Absolutely,” he chuckled.

 

The next morning Rafael felt Olivia starting to get out of bed; he quickly rolled over and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her back into bed, “Do you have to go?” he muttered into her shoulder.

“I have to go to work,” she sighed.

Peppering her soft skin with kisses he mumbled, “Do you _have_ to?”

Olivia closed her eyes as she smiled, “Rafi.”

He slowly sat up as he worked his way up her neck, “Take the… day off,” he whispered between kisses.

She felt him nuzzle his way towards her jaw line; letting out a small breathless moan she turned to him and kissed him. As their tongues intertwined Rafael pulled her down with him as he laid back on the bed; with Olivia now on top of him, he slowly moved his hand under her shirt. Feeling his hand softly run along her back Olivia smiled against his lips; “Rafi,” she said breathlessly, “You’re… gonna make me… late again.”

Rafael teasingly kept his lips from hers, “Don’t go in this time,” he smirked; his breath hot against her. Rafael pulled her close as he started to kiss her again, “I’ll make it worth your while.”

Lost in the temptation Olivia kissed him back; as their tongues danced together Rafael rolled her over so he was on top. He gently started to lift her shirt when they heard a soft knock on the door.

Rafael sighed as he pulled away from her, “Don’t suppose we could leave it?”

“Rafael,” Olivia mumbled.

Rafael gave Olivia a quick kiss before calling out, “Yes Noah?”

“We’re gonna be late Mommy,” Noah replied.

Hearing the door start to open Rafael quickly sat up off Olivia; “Sweetie, I’ll be ready soon,” Olivia sighed.

Noah stood in the doorway as he mumbled, “You said we’d stop at the shops.”

“I said maybe,” Olivia replied as she slowly got out of bed, “Why don’t you go watch TV and I’ll be out soon.”

“Fine,” Noah sighed as he turned away.

Olivia walked towards the door and closed it before turning to Rafael; he sat slumped against the headboard, “Raincheck?” she smiled.

Rafael sighed, “Yeah.”

“Don’t give me that look,” she sighed as she walked towards her wardrobe. Rafael watched quietly as she got dressed for work; “Hon, you knew I had work.”

Rafael crossed his arms against his chest; “I didn’t realise I had to schedule a time to be with my wife.”

Olivia stopped as she turned to him; “Rafael, you know that’s not fair.”

Rafael rolled his eyes as he looked away from her; “At least I was trying to be with you.”

“I would love nothing more than to spend the day with you but not all of us can stay at home all day,” Olivia sighed as buttoned her shirt; walking towards him.

“You think I want this?” Rafael frowned, “You think I want to be like this?”

“No, I’m sorry,” Olivia said as she sat on the edge of the bed. “That was unfair of me.”

“You’re going to be late,” Rafael mumbled as he looked at her.

Olivia nodded; “Okay.” She leaned close to him and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek, “What are you going to do today?” she asked.

Watching her stand up Rafael shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe look over everything we have on Carter or read a book.”

“Don’t work too hard,” Olivia sighed as she started for the door, “Try to make it outside at some stage, it’s supposed to be a beautiful day.”

“I’ll see,” he nodded.

“I’ll see you when I get home.”

“Have a good day, be safe,” he smiled, “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Olivia replied.

 

Around lunchtime, Rafael was sitting at the dining room table; working away at his computer, when his phone rang. Startled by the unexpected noise Rafael cautiously reached for his phone, “Barba.”

A recorded message played, “You have a collect call from Rikers Island, would you like to accept?”

Rafael paused as he glanced around the room; he was alone; after some thought he found himself saying, “Yes.” There was a long pause as the call was transferred through; _This isn’t a good idea… What would Olivia think?_ He thought as he tapped his fingers on the table.

Carter’s voice pulled Rafael from his own thoughts, “I wasn’t sure you were going to accept.”

“What do you want?” Rafael asked.

“What? No hello? How you been?” Carter laughed, “Come on, after everything we’ve been through together I think you should be a little nicer.”

“What do you want?” Rafael repeated firmly.

“I just wanted to talk to my favourite person,” Carter replied, “I’ve missed you.”

Growing impatient, Rafael huffed, “Is that all?”

“Uh, no,” Carter sighed, “No, I want you to come visit me.”

“Now why would I do that?” Rafael frowned.

“To prove you’re not scared of me,” Carter sneered, “You’ve been waiting for the opportunity to prove everyone wrong… that is, if you’re not still scared of me.”

Rafael remained quiet for a moment as he watched his fingers tap on the wooden table, “When?”

“This Friday,” Carter answered.

“I’ll think about it,” Rafael mumbled; _Liv’s not going to like this._

Carter sighed, “She still have you wrapped around her little fingers?”

“This has nothing to do with her,” Rafael growled.

“Sure it does,” Carter quipped, “You’re not a big shot lawyer anymore… No instead you’re her little lap dog, you do what she wants.”

“Screw you,” Rafael snarled. “I make my own choices.”

“Do you?” Carter questioned.

“I’ll be there Friday,” Rafael huffed as he ended the call. Rafael dropped his phone on the table with a loud thud as he brought his hands up to his head, “What did I just do?” he sighed. _He played you like a fiddle and you fell for it._

After a moment to compose himself Rafael stood up, grabbing his phone, and started down the hallway; as he reached the front door he froze. “Carter is in prison,” he reminded himself, “There’s nothing out there.”

His hand shook as he reached for the handle; the metal cold in his hand, _I’ve missed you,_ Carter’s voice laughed.

Rafael’s heart began to beat fast against his chest as he tried to catch his breath; everything around him faded into darkness. Feeling like he was suffocating Rafael let go of the doorknob and ran for the nearest window; Carter’s laughter still echoing in his head. After a few minutes at the window everything came back into focus; checking his watch he mumbled, “I’ll just tell Liv when she gets home.”

 

Late that afternoon Rafael was sitting on the lounge; staring out the window, when he heard the door unlock, “Rafi could be sleeping so just be quiet,” Olivia’s muffled voice said.

“Okay,” Noah whispered loudly.

Rafael laughed a little to himself; _At least he tried,_ he thought.

As Olivia walked further into their apartment she saw Rafael sitting in the living room, “Oh, you’re up,” she said surprised.

“Yeah,” Rafael nodded as he slowly turned his head towards her.

“Are we…” she hesitated.

“We’re fine,” Rafael sighed, “Let’s just forget about it.”

“Okay,” she smiled, “How was your day?”

Rafael felt his hand start to shake; trying to hide it he crossed his arms against his chest, “Never mind that, how was yours?”

Before Olivia could reply Noah ran down into the room, “Daddy!” he beamed.

Rafael had just managed to unfold his arms in time as Noah jumped on him, “Hey Kiddo,” he laughed.

“Today I got to paint!” Noah said excitedly. “I brought it home for you.”

“Oh yeah?” Rafael smirked, “Where is it?”

Noah paused as he looked around, “Um… Mommy, where’s my bag?”

“It’s at the door,” Olivia smiled.

“Stay here,” Noah said firmly to Rafael as he got up.

“Roger that,” Rafael laughed.

As Noah ran out of the room Olivia sighed, “Did you get up to much?”

“Uh, no,” he mumbled, “I spent most of the day looking out of the window.”

“Oh,” Olivia nodded, “Are you okay?”

Rafael forced a smile, “I’m fine. Now tell me about your day.”

“My day was uneventful,” Olivia shrugged, “Casey is good but she’s not you.”

“Didn’t think you’d still miss me at work,” Rafael admitted, “It’s been a year.”

“We all miss you,” she mumbled, “I just got lucky with being able to come home to you.”

 _She drew the short straw in other words,_ he thought, “Y-yeah, I’m glad I didn’t have to give up you when I quit.”

“Hon, I really do love-“

“LOOK!” Noah squealed as he ran back into the room.

As Noah jumped on the lounge Rafael laughed, “Okay, let’s see what we have here.” He took hold of the painting and had no idea what he was supposed to see; it was a mixture of random colours, “It looks great,” he smiled.

“Yeah, we had to use our fingers,” Noah smiled, “It’s the park we go to.”

“Oh yeah,” Rafael nodded. He ran his fingers across the painting as he said, “Yeah, I can see it, these are the swings right? So this must be the slide-“ As Rafael spoke he saw Olivia disappear from the room.

“Do you like it?” Noah asked shyly.

Rafael put the picture down as he turned to the boy, “Like it? I love it!”

“Yeah?” Noah smiled.

Rafael wrapped his arms around Noah; pulling him into a hug, “But not as much as I love you.”

Noah felt a soft kiss on his head as he said, “I love you too.”

As the hug broke Rafael muttered, “Why don’t you get changed out of your uniform and set up your homework.”

“Do I have to?” Noah sighed, “I don’t wanna do homework.”

“The sooner it’s done the sooner you can watch TV,” Rafael shrugged. “If you do it now, I’ll sneak you some ice-cream after dinner.”

“What type of ice-cream?” Noah questioned.

“Chocolate?” Rafael retorted.

“Make it choc chip and you have a deal,” Noah said.

Rafael laughed, “I’ve taught you well, you’ve got a deal.”

Noah held out his hand towards Rafael, “Shake on it.”

Rafael extended his hand and took Noah’s; after shaking his hand Rafael smiled, “Now get going. Call me if you need help.”

“Okay,” Noah nodded as he got off the lounge.

Rafael watched Noah leave the room; as he disappeared down the hallway he called out, “Noah!”

“Yeah?” Noah replied.

“Your bag… It’s still at the door,” Rafael laughed.

“OH yeah,” Noah said. Shortly after Rafael saw Noah run past the doorway and back again.

 

Rafael sat in the living room alone for a few minutes before getting up and making his way down the hallway; he did a quick sideways glance into the dining room and saw Noah setting up his homework. “You good?” he asked as he paused in the doorway.

“Yep,” Noah nodded.

“Okay, just don’t hesitate to ask for help,” Rafael replied.

“I know,” Noah smiled.

Rafael nodded before continuing down the hallway; when he reached his room he pushed the door open gently to find Olivia sitting on the bed reading a book. “Mind if I…”

“Yeah,” Olivia nodded; not looking up from her book.

“Noah’s doing his homework,” Rafael sighed as he walked towards the bed.

“That’s good,” she replied.

“Liv,” he mumbled, “I got a call today.”

“Mmm?” Olivia muttered.

“From the prison,” he sighed as he sat on the edge of the bed, “From Carter.”

Olivia paused as she glanced up from her book, “Carter?” she questioned.

Rafael nodded; “He wants to see me this Friday,” he paused as Olivia frowned, “I’m thinking-“

“You’re not going,” she said bluntly.

“I’m a big boy, I can make my own decisions,” Rafael grumbled.

“Rafael, I can’t let you do this, I _won’t_ let you see him,” she growled, “It took you months just to be able to sleep through the night-“

“I know, I was there,” he mumbled bitterly.

“I just don’t want wake up in the middle of the night to find you in the corner scared,” she sighed, “I want the best for you.”

“You’ve got to stop treating me like I’m broken whenever we talk about him,” Rafael muttered.

“I know,” she nodded, “I’ve just seen you come so far since then… I don’t want him to drag you down with him.”

“I’m not going to let him get to me,” he sighed.

“You can’t seriously be considering this,” she mumbled.

Rafael drew a deep breath, “I’ve already confirmed my visitation.”

“You what?” she frowned, “You didn’t even give us the chance to talk about this?”

“You said exactly what I expected you to,” he shrugged, “Carter hasn’t seen anyone since his incarceration and now he’s asking for me, I want to know why.”

“I can’t watch you do this to yourself,” she sighed as she stood up.

“Where are you going?” Rafael frowned.

“I’m going to sit in the living room,” she muttered not looking at him.

Rafael watched her exit their room; “Olivia wait,” he growled as he stood up and chased after her. He quickly walked down the hallway and saw her ahead of him, disappearing into the living room, “Olivia you can’t just walk away-“

“Daddy?” Noah called out as Rafael passed the dining room doorway.

Rafael paused; he stood in between the dining room and the living room for a moment. He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes; he ran a hand through his hair while he took a deep breath.

“Daddy?” Noah’s soft voice called out again.

 _Forget her,_ he thought as he turned back; peering his head through the doorway he smiled, “Yes?”

“Can you help me?” Noah asked.

“Sure,” Rafael nodded as he entered the room. He pulled up a chair next to Noah, “What are we working on today?”

“English,” Noah sighed, “It’s hard.”

Rafael spent the next hour helping Noah with his homework; as the night dragged on, Rafael and Olivia hardly said a word to each other outside of Noah’s presence.

  

A few days later Olivia came home from work early to find the house empty; “Rafael?” she called out. With no response she checked her phone as she walked around the apartment, no messages. She entered their room and glanced around until her eyes fell on one of the pictures on Rafael’s side table. She sighed as she walked closer; it was a childhood photo of Rafael and his mother, Lucia. Checking her watch she thought, _I’ve got a few hours before Noah comes home_. She quickly placed the photo back down and rushed out of the apartment.

Half an hour later Olivia arrived at the cemetery; as she walked along the path she saw Rafael sitting a few yards ahead of her. When she got closer she saw him in a black suit; she quietly walks up behind him, “I thought I’d find you here.”

“I didn’t want to make a big deal,” he sniffled.

“Rafael, I know its tough but you shouldn’t be alone today,” she said quietly as she sat next to him.

“Liv, I didn’t want to bring you down,” he sighed.

“We’re a family,” she comforted, “You’re not the only one who misses her, we all do.”

“I can’t believe it’s been a year,” he mumbled. “I miss her so much.”

Olivia placed a hand on his back; “I know you do,” she comforted.

Rafael remained silent as he wrapped one arm around Olivia’s waist and pulled her closer to him, he resting his head on her shoulder.

Olivia gently placed her own head on top of his as they sat there staring at Lucia’s headstone; Olivia found herself reading the epitaph:

_In loving memory of:_

_Lucia Barba_

_Mother - Grandmother_

_Your love continues to light my way,_

_Your memory will never leave me._

 

They sat in silence for a while until Olivia noticed the carnations sitting on top of the headstone, “Those flowers are beautiful.”

“She loved them,” Rafael sniffled. He took a shuddering breath as sat up straight; he kissed his fingers before placing them on Lucia’s photo, “I love you Mamá. You were taken from me too soon.”

Olivia sat quietly as she watched Rafael say a small prayer in Spanish; she couldn’t understand what he was saying but she felt his pain and sorrow through every word. As he finished he did the sign of the cross before slowly standing up; “Are we going?” Olivia questioned.

Rafael nodded slowly, “Yeah, I’ve been here for a few hours. I think I just want to go home now.”

“Okay,” Olivia whispered as she got up.

Rafael took her hand as they started to walk down the pathway; “Thank you for being here,” he sniffled.

“I always will be here for you,” she comforted.

“How long until Noah’s home?” Rafael asked.

Olivia checked her watch; “Lucy should have him home around 5 so about an hour.”

Rafael sighed, “As much as I want to spend time with him, I don’t have the energy today. When we get home I’m just going to go to bed.”

“It’s okay,” Olivia reassured. “Don’t suppose I can convince you to rethink tomorrow?”

“Liv,” he shook his head, “Tomorrow is happening. I’m sorry but I need it to.”

Olivia drew a deep breath, “Okay, I support your decision then.”

Reaching Olivia’s car Rafael muttered, “Let’s go home.”

 

As Rafael waited in the prison, he saw two guards standing on the other side of the door; watching him, muttering amongst themselves. Already feeling on edge Rafael crossed his arms as he looked around the small waiting room; his chest started to feel tight as the walls closed in around him. “This was a mistake,” he muttered under his breath, “I’ve gotta get out of here.” _NO! We need to see him!_

Rafael was about to walk to the nearest exit when a guard came through the door; “You’re here to see Carter?” he asked.

“Yes,” Rafael sighed, “Can I see him yet?”

“Soon,” he nodded, “Arms out and legs shoulder length apart.”

“This is stupid, I’m not going to help him,” Rafael frowned.

“Maybe not but it’s my job,” he sighed, “Please just follow my instructions.”

Rafael rolled his eyes as did what the guard said; “This better not take long.” The guard stared at Rafael’s face as he frisked Rafael’s upper body; _He’s staring at your scars,_ Rafael thought. Feeling uncomfortable he broke their gaze and stared at the nearest wall; as the guard moved down to Rafael’s legs he mumbled, “You done yet? I’m not smuggling anything.”

As the guard finished frisking Rafael’s legs, he quietly asked, “Did it hurt?”

Rafael lowered his hands as he frowned, “What?”

The guard stood up in front of him; “What Carter did,” he clarified, “Did it hurt?”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “I’m not talking about it.”

“Carter does,” he mumbled as he started for the door.

“Am I cleared or not?” Rafael grumbled.

“Yeah,” he sighed. He watched as Rafael walked closer; “Sit at that table down the end,” he mumbled, “Carter will be a few minutes.”

There was a loud buzz as the door unlocked; shortly after the guard pushed the door open and Rafael walked in. The door slammed shut behind him as he started towards the table; his heart beating faster with each step.

 

Ten minutes later there was another loud buzz as the door opened again; “Happy anniversary Honey,” Carter grinned as he walked towards Rafael.

“What are you talking about?” Rafael frowned.

“Oh don’t play dumb,” Carter sighed, “I know you’ve been counting down the days just like I have. You and I are intertwined.”

“A year ago today you tried to kill me,” Rafael growled.

“Yeah, my bad,” Carter nodded. It fell into a short silence before Carter smiled, “So… Do I get a present?”

“Me being here is a present,” Rafael mumbled. “Don’t get use to it, I want you out of my life.”

“Aw, now that’s no way to talk to your better half,” Carter sighed, “I got you something.”

“I don’t want it,” Rafael muttered.

“My hands are a little tide in here so you’re just gonna have to make due with what I could get,” Carter continued as he rummaged through his jumpsuit pockets. He pulled out what looked like a small piece of paper and slid it across to Rafael, “Here.”

Rafael reluctantly flipped it over; his heart started to beat quickly as he stared at the photo. It was of his wedding day; he was kissing Olivia at the altar of the church. “How’d you get this?” Rafael whispered; his eyes glued to the photo.

“I’m not going to reveal my source,” Carter smiled.

Looking up from the photo Rafael frowned, “You haven’t had any visitors since you got here.”

“Isn’t that sweet,” Carter grinned, “Someone’s been looking out for me.”

“Tell me how you got this,” Rafael growled.

“Tell me what it’s like when you look in the mirror,” Carter retorted. “Do you think of me?”

“You haven’t crossed my mind since you were found guilty,” he shrugged.

“Bullshit,” Carter sneered.

“Are you going to answer my question?” Rafael muttered.

“No,” Carter shrugged, “I have my secrets just like you… How many do you keep from your wife?”

“That’s none of your business,” Rafael hissed.

“But there are some,” Carter smiled, “Tell me, how long did it take for your little wife to stop seeing you like one of her precious victims?”

“Don’t talk about my wife,” Rafael huffed.

“How about the wedding instead?” Carter suggested, “I heard it was beautiful.”

Tapping his finger on the table Rafael asked, “Why am I here?”

“No one forced you to come,” Carter shrugged, “So why don’t you ask yourself that one.”

Rafael sat quietly; the tapping of his finger on the table echoing in the room, _Why am I here?_ He thought, _We’ve missed him… No, don’t be ridiculous…_ His tapping increased. _He’s the only one that really gets us…_

“What’s on your mind sweetie?” Carter asked.

Being drawn from his haze Rafael blinked a few times, “If the photo was all you wanted to give me then I’m done here.”

“So soon?” Carter sighed, “But we’ve barely had the chance to catch up.”

“What do you want from me?” Rafael sighed.

“I just want to talk,” Carter shrugged.

“I’m listening,” Rafael replied.

“You don’t talk about your scars, from all the interviews I’ve seen you avoid it,” Carter sighed, “Is it because you’re ashamed of the time we spent together or do you feel self-conscious?”

“I’m not ashamed of surviving you,” Rafael frowned.

“Then what’s with the make-up?” Carter smiled, “You might fool everyone else but I can see it.” Rafael remained quiet as he turned his gaze away from Carter; “You thought I wouldn’t notice.”

“I don’t like people staring,” Rafael muttered, “Because of you I’m riddled with scars.”

Carter smiled, “Why don’t you unbutton that shirt of yours and show me the rest of them? The ones the world doesn’t get to see.”

“If you wanted me shirtless that really should have been on the invitation,” Rafael quipped. “I would have tanned for you.”

“Smart-ass,” Carter frowned.

“Why don’t you tell me what it’s been like for you this past year?” Rafael frowned, “Tell me how your stupid protective custody is. If I was in charge of the case you would never have gotten that deal.”

“Luckily for me you weren’t the prosecutor,” Carter laughed, “I knew you had me beat but I also knew how Jack worked, I played your department so easily.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “At least your spending the next 20 years here.”

“You forgot about the reduced sentence, didn’t you?” Carter smirked.

Clenching his jaw Rafael snarled, “I will see to it personally that you stay here for as long as possible.”

“Naw there’s no need to be spiteful,” Carter pouted, “After all, you should be sharing a cell with me after what you did to my son-”

“I didn’t kill him,” Rafael huffed.

“Well then you definitely should be here for your mother,” Carter taunted, “You are the reason she’s dead. Speaking of which, did you see her yesterday?”

Rafael stood suddenly from the table, “Enough, I’m done talking.”

“Don’t walk away from me,” Carter growled.

“At least I can leave,” Rafael retorted.

“For now,” Carter mumbled, “You’ll find yourself back here soon enough.”

Rafael rushed towards the door, his breathing laboured, as he waited; growing impatient he started to bang on the metal poles, “Get me out of here.” Shortly after the door buzzed opened and Rafael rushed through the prison as fast as he could; he paused as he reached the car, the warmth of the sun hitting his skin. He relished in the feeling for a moment before stepping into the car and heading home.

  

When Olivia walked through the door, Noah ran up to her, “Mommy!” he beamed.

Olivia leaned down as she took the boy in her arms, “I missed you,” she smiled as she kissed him on the forehead. With Noah in her arms she walked down the hallway, “Where’s Rafi?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” Noah shrugged.

“Okay,” she sighed, “Why don’t you go watch some TV while I find him?”

Noah nodded as Olivia placed him on the floor; he started for the living room when he turned back to her, “Mommy, what’s for dinner?”

“Uh, I don’t know,” she replied. “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “I think Daddy had a bad day. He forgot again.”

Olivia sighed, “I’ll see what we can do for dinner.” She watched as Noah disappeared into the living room before continuing her way down the hallway towards her bedroom. She reached the closed door; “Rafael?” she whispered as she cautiously opened it. She paused in the doorway as she looked into their room; it was dark; using the light from the hallway she managed to just see him lying on the bed. “Rafael?” she repeated as she started for him; he stirred a little. Reaching the side of the bed she flicked on their bedside lamp before turning her attention to him; he was asleep. She took a deep breath as she knelt down next to him and gently rocked his shoulder; “Rafael, wake up.”

“Mm,” he groaned as he slowly woke up.

“Hon?”

As he opened his eyes he stretched; “What time is it?”

“5:30,” she sighed, “I just got home.”

He frowned as he looked at her, “I don’t remember going to sleep.”

“You must have been tired,” she shrugged as she watched him sit up. “You’ve had a pretty busy day.”

“Where’s Noah?” he rushed, “Crap.”

“He’s fine,” Olivia reassured, “He’s watching TV.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, um,” he mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

Olivia moved to the bed and sat next to him, “It’s okay.” He gave her a small smile as she placed a hand on his knee, “How are you feeling?”

“I’m pretty good,” he shrugged.

“You saw Carter today, how’d that go?”

“Fine,” he sighed, “It went okay.”

Olivia paused as she watched him avoid eye contact; “Okay,” she nodded, “Well you can talk about it if you want to.”

“I know,” he mumbled. “There’s nothing to talk about, I’m fine.”

“In that case,” she sighed, “Why don’t you go to the kitchen and start organising dinner while I get changed?”

“Oh shit,” he frowned, “Noah must be hungry. I forgot again, didn’t I?”

“He understands,” Olivia mumbled as she stood up. “Just go start dinner and I’ll be out shortly.”

Rafael nodded as he slowly made his way off the bed; shortly after he disappeared from the bedroom.

 

Half an hour later Olivia and Rafael were in the kitchen working on dinner together. Rafael took hold of a knife and began to chop some tomatoes; as he stood there he saw the light glimmer off the blade as it sliced through the flesh of the tomato. His heart began to quicken as a dark memory loomed around him; he paused as the memory took hold, all of a sudden he felt the knife begin to glide its way down his face. As the blade sliced through his skin, blood dripping, he heard laughter coming from the dark; feeling short of breath Rafael began to hyperventilate. Dropping the knife he stumbled backwards; “Stop… Stop, please,” tears forming in his eyes.

Olivia quickly turned her attention to Rafael to find him standing in the middle of the kitchen, “Rafael?” she said calmly. She made her way cautiously towards him, “You’re safe,” she reassured, “No one can hurt you here.” Olivia felt him trembling under her touch as she placed a hand on his bicep.

A short moment later Rafael blinked rapidly as he was drawn out of his haze; he looked around the room confused as he panted, “He was- The knife-“

“Look at me,” Olivia said, “Watch me.” She waited until he connected his gaze with hers, “Breath in… One… Two… Three… and out.”

Rafael followed her instructions as he stared at her; feeling his heart rate return to normal he sighed, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s been a while since you’ve had an episode like that. It’s because you saw him today, isn’t it?” Olivia questioned.

“It’s been a year,” he grumbled, “This shouldn’t be happening.”

“Don’t be hard on yourself,” Olivia comforted.

“He shouldn’t have this affect on me anymore,” he frowned.

“Why don’t you talk to me about today, so you’re not dealing with it alone,” Olivia suggested.

“It wasn’t anything that I didn’t expect,” Rafael sighed. “He spoke about my scars, Warren and my mother.”

“That must have been hard to listen to,” Olivia sighed.

Rafael hesitated, “He…”

“Rafi?”

He placed a hand in his pocket and pulled out the photo, “He gave me this.”

Olivia took the photo and frowned, “How’d he get this?”

“It’s not ours,” Rafael shrugged, “Someone else at our wedding took that photo. He had someone there, Liv.”

“I’ll see if I can figure out who it was,” Olivia mumbled as she placed the photo on the bench. “Why don’t you get Noah,” she sighed.

“I want to help,” Rafael frowned, “Let me help.”

“We’re done,” Olivia replied. “Just get Noah and sit at the table and I’ll bring this over.”

Rafael shook his head as he started out the door, “Noah! Dinner!”

 

Later that night, Olivia was sitting in her bed, reading a book, when suddenly their stereo started to play music; as she lowered the book she found Rafael standing in the doorway with a large grin across his face. She couldn’t help but smile as the song played in the background; _“Ooga-Chaka Ooga-Chaka.”_

As it hit the first verse Rafael started to sing the words; “ _I can’t stop this feeling, Deep inside of me-“_ he slowly took a few steps forward. His hands dramatically pointing to Olivia as he sung, “ _Girl, you don’t just realise;”_ bringing his hands back to himself he continued, “ _What you do to me-“_

Olivia laughed as he spun around and wrapped his arms around himself and swayed in front of the bed.

He took hold of the side of his jacket; “ _I-I-I’m hooked on a feeling_ ,” he sung as he skilfully removed it to the beat. He dropped his jacket as he continued with the song; “ _I’m high on believing;”_ he exaggerated his hip movements with the beat as he took hold of his suspenders. He pulled on them as he sung, “ _That you’re in love with me-“_ As his right hand slipped; his suspender snapped back onto his chest, “SHIT!” he yelped.

“Rafael,” Olivia laughed, “Keep it down, Noah’s sleeping.”

Rafael took the remote out of his pocket and turned down the music, “I was just trying to have some fun.”

As Rafael stood in front of the bed; he slowly removed his suspenders and began unbuttoning his shirt. While he was distracted he didn’t see Olivia climb out of bed, making her way towards him; when she closed the gap she brushed his hands away and took over undoing his shirt. He stared at her as she concentrated on the buttons; he smiled as her hair fell effortlessly around her face. When his shirt fell loosely on his sides he felt her cold hands run along his chest; “Looks like that snap got you pretty good,” she said; tracing a red mark down his right side.

Rafael glanced down quickly and saw the red mark before looking back at her; “Remind me not to do that again,” he smiled.

Olivia remained quiet as her eyes followed her fingers; as her fingers ran along his skin she slowly turned her attention to the long scar running across his upper chest. Rafael felt her gentle touch start for his scar; before she reached it he took hold of her wrist, “Rafael?” she whispered.

Rafael clenched his jaw tight as he stared at the wall passed Olivia, “Don’t.”

“Hon?” Olivia questioned as she brought her gaze to his face, “I’ve seen it all before.”

Still not looking Olivia in the eyes; Rafael pulled her hand away from him as he muttered, “I don’t want your pity.”

“That’s not-“ she began.

He let go of her as he brushed passed her; before long he disappeared into their ensuite without another word. Rafael made his way towards the mirror and stared at himself, noticing all the scars covering his chest. As he stared at them he got flashes of that day; being cut and stabbed with a knife then being beaten with his own belt. He took a shuddering breath as he pushed the thoughts from his mind; he leaned closer to the mirror, staring at his face; while he looked at himself he took hold of a wipe and ran it along his cheek. As the make-up disappeared, making his scars more evident, he brought his hand to his cheek. He was tracing the scar running down his cheek with his fingers when he caught a glimpse of Olivia standing in the doorway behind him. He didn’t turn to face her; instead he drew a deep breath as he continued looking at the scar.

“I don’t pity you Rafael,” she sighed, “That’s not how I look at you.”

“No, I’m just a dead man walking,” he muttered.

“No you’re not,” she frowned, “The man out there, dancing around, that’s who you are… What happened to him?”

Rafael shrugged as he turned to face her, “I just wanted some fun… We never have any fun anymore.”

Olivia sat on the edge of the bath as she said, “If it’s fun you’re after then lets go out past 9, let’s go to a bar, a game… something. It’s Manhattan, we can do anything.”

“You know I can’t,” he mumbled; looking down at the floor as he leaned against the sink. “I’ve tried. I just… I can’t.”

“I know it’s hard,” Olivia nodded, “But if you’re worried about people staring at you, you shouldn’t be. When I look at you I don’t see any of the scars, I don’t see Carter-“

“How could you not?” he sighed, “It’s all I see.”

“I see the cocky, jackass lawyer I fell in love with… he’s in there somewhere, I know he is,” Olivia continued.

“I’m no lawyer,” he muttered, “I’m just a shell of the man I used to be.”

“Now that’s not _my_ Rafael,” she frowned as she took hold of his hand. He slowly moved his glance to her as she said, “Don’t lose yourself again.” He remained silent as he moved his hand away from her, “What’s brought this back?” she asked. “Did Carter say something?”

He sighed, “I don’t care about what he said.”

“Then talk to me, tell me what’s going on,” Olivia urged.

“I just… I want to go to bed,” he mumbled, “We can talk about it later.”

“Rafael, you shouldn’t shut me out,” she sighed.

“I’m not, I’m just tired,” he muttered as he left the bathroom.

Olivia followed him out and they both made their way into bed; as Rafael laid in bed he felt Olivia’s hand wrap around him so he turned and pulled her closer. She snuggled into him before giving him a tender kiss; soon after they were asleep in each other’s embrace.

 

A few nights later Rafael heard metal gliding along the floor; that sound all too familiar to him he stuttered, “H-hello?” With no reply Rafael walked forward in the dark room; as he pushed against a heavy dual door he heard laughter start around him. The voices sent shivers down Rafael’s spine as he walked further; all of a sudden a light shone down revealing a chair sitting in the middle of the room. _SIT!_ A voice commanded. “NO!” he shouted back. He felt a jolt of pain strike him causing him to fall into the chair. Feeling panicked Rafael snapped his head around the room trying to find someone, “Help!” he called out.

Rafael heard a few belt cracks before Carters booming voice echoed, “No one want’s to help you.”

“You can’t hurt me!” As he spoke he felt a few lashes from a belt hit him across the chest.

“You’re not getting out that easy,” Carter laughed.

“H-help,” Rafael whimpered; tears forming in his eyes.

“You didn’t help me,” Lucia’s voice spoke.

His heart raced; “Mamá?” Rafael sniffled.

“You let me die,” she said sounding closer.

“No,” Rafael cried as he looked around, “I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry!”

Carter laughed; sounding close Rafael snapped his head and saw him standing in front of him, “You’re mine.”

Rafael huffed, “Get me out!” before feeling a sharp pain in his stomach. As he looked down he saw the knife plunged into his stomach; he pulled it out and watched as the blood poured from his skin. Unable to catch his breath Rafael sat up in his bed quickly; he frantically looked around the dark room and saw Olivia sleeping next to him. Trying to catch his breath he slowly got out of bed; the darkness closing around him as Carter’s laughter continued. “G-get o-out,” Rafael stuttered; tears rolling down his face. Feeling small Rafael leaned against the wall; “I-I’m n-not sc-cared of you!” he called out as he slid down.

“You keep thinking that,” Carter sneered, “I got your mother… I can get you.”

“NO!” Rafael screamed.

Olivia woke up at the sound of Rafael’s scream; “Hon?” she said cautiously. All she got in return were soft whimpers; she turned in the bed to find his side was empty. Olivia crawled across the bed until she saw him sitting in the corner shaking, “Rafael, it’s okay,” she reassured.

Rafael ignored her until she was knelt down in front of him; “H-he’s gonna…” he said breathlessly.

“He can’t hurt you,” Olivia said calmly. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug; she felt his arms wrap around her as she said, “Just breathe.”

He sniffled as he held her tightly; they sat on the floor together for a while until Rafael sighed, “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“Don’t be,” she said, “Do you want to go back to bed?”

“I… I don’t think I can sleep after that,” he mumbled, “You should though.”

Olivia broke their embrace as she stood up, “Come on,” she smiled.

“What?” Rafael questioned as he looked at the hand she held out for him.

“We’re going to have a cup of tea,” she said.

He took her hand, “You really don’t-“

“Shh,” Olivia interrupted, “We’re going to have some tea, bring it back in here and snuggle on the bed.”

“Liv,” he sighed.

“No more words,” she interrupted him with a kiss.

Rafael smiled, “Thank you.”

  

A week later, Rafael rushed through the front door; as he slammed it shut behind him he saw Olivia in the corner of his eye stand up quickly. “What’s going on?” Olivia asked as she started towards him.

He kept walking down the hallway; away from her, as he said, “I’m being followed.”  
“What?” she frowned, looking at the front door. “Who?”

Rafael disappeared into their bedroom without another word; while he was gone there was a knock on the door. Olivia cautiously made her way towards the door when she heard Rafael’s shaky voice, “D-don’t, I’ve got it.”

As she turned to face him she gasped; he was aiming a gun at the front door, “What the fuck Rafael?” she huffed.

With every step towards the door, his tremors grew worse; unable to hold the gun straight Rafael persevered forward, “L-Liv, get out of the way.”

“This is ridiculous,” she frowned, “Give me the gun.”

“No,” he frowned.

Olivia took a step towards him; blocking him from the door, “Give it to me,” she ordered as she placed a hand on top of the gun. “If you won’t give it to me at least lower it. We don’t need it.”

“Fine,” Rafael growled, lowering the gun to his side.

Keeping a cautious eye on Rafael; Olivia turned towards the door and opened it, “Oh it’s you,” she sighed in relief.

“Hey, sorry to bother you but we were in the neighbourhood and thought we’d pop in to say hi,” Carisi smiled.

“No bother,” Olivia smiled, “Come in.”

As Carisi and Rollins entered; Rafael moved the gun to behind his back, “W-when did you get here?” he asked.

“A few minutes ago,” Rollins replied.

“Yeah we saw you running into the building,” Carisi added. “Is everything okay?”

Olivia remained quiet as she looked over to Rafael; _Do we tell them you almost blew their brains out?-_ he thought, _No, if you explain it, they’ll think we’re crazy._ “I, uh,” he mumbled, “Everything is fine. I just thought… uh, I thought I was running late to pick up Noah.”

“He forgot that it was my turn,” Olivia added.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Rafael mumbled as he started walking backwards down the hallway; when he was clear he quickly disappeared into the bedroom. He closed the door behind himself before making his way towards the edge of the bed; as he sat there he stared at the gun shaking in his hands. “What was I thinking?” he mumbled. _You were being followed,_ he thought, _“_ Was I?” _They’re out to get us._ “Who?” he questioned, “Carer’s in prison and Seth is dead… I’ve got nothing to be frightened of-“ _then why are we?_

As he sat on the bed lost in an internal argument with himself he didn’t hear Olivia enter the room; “Rafael?” she cautiously said.

His head snapped up to her, his heart racing, “Liv?”

“They’ve come to see you,” she sighed, “I need you to put down that gun and come with me.” Rafael lowered his gaze back to his hands to find he had his finger on the trigger; “Please put it down,” Olivia’s voice repeated, sounding more distant to him.

As he drowned out Olivia’s voice his own thoughts took over, jumping from voice to voice; _She wants you to give up our protection- Do you need it?- We could just sho-_ “Okay,” Rafael mumbled as he flicked the safety on. He quickly dropped the gun on the bed next to him, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.”

“We can talk about it later,” Olivia frowned, “Because we will be talking about that gun but right now we have guests.”

Rafael clenched his jaw as he nodded, “Okay.”

Olivia waited until Rafael stood up and started for the door before turning back into the hallway herself, “It’s just for a few hours,” Olivia whispered to him.

He nodded as he entered the living room; forcing a smile Rafael said, “So what brings you guys here?”

“We just wanted to come and see you,” Amanda smiled, “It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, you don’t come by the precinct anymore,” Carisi sighed, “Not since…”

Rafael drew a deep breath, “Not since my last panic attack there.” The room fell into an awkward silence as Rafael spoke, “You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. I know what happened.”

“I just didn’t think you’d want to talk about it,” Carisi mumbled.

“Talk about what?” Rafael frowned, “The way I completely fell apart on the sidewalk? How I felt like I was dying? What about how I hurt you and Olivia?”

“Raf,” Olivia sighed.

“No,” he snapped, “Of course I don’t want to talk about it. It’s ridiculous, I shouldn’t be afraid of walking out that door. I should be able to visit my wife at work but I can’t!”

“We don’t blame you for-“ Amanda began.

“It’s pathetic,” he growled as he rolled his eyes, “Living in fear… Of what? Nothing.” Olivia placed a gentle hand on his back, “I’m getting a drink,” he mumbled, “My friends aren’t supposed to tiptoe around me.”

As Rafael left the room Olivia looked at their friends; “I’m sorry. He’s…” she sighed, “He’s having a bad day.”

“Can we do anything to help?” Carisi asked.

Olivia shook her head, “No, when he gets in a mood like this it’s best to just leave him. It doesn’t tend to last long after an outburst… He usually feels bad for what he says.”

“It’s not his fault,” Amanda sighed, “It must be hard on him… On the both of you.”

“It put a strain on us,” Olivia admitted, “But it’s nothing we can’t deal with.”

When Rafael entered, glass of water in hand, the room fell silent; everyone’s eyes awkwardly darting around the room. As he walked across the room and sat next to Olivia he sighed, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you guys.”

“It’s okay,” Carisi reassured.

“No… it’s not,” Rafael mumbled, “I don’t want to be like this, I try not to be.”

“We understand,” Amanda smiled gently, “We’re here for you.”

“I’ve missed you guys,” Rafael paused, “I’ve missed working with you all. I wish I could visit…”

“You put too much pressure on yourself,” Olivia said, placing a hand on his knee.

He stared at her hand for a moment, “I shouldn’t be as broken as I am,” he muttered under his breath. “I didn’t feel broken a few days ago.”

“We heard about what happened,” Carisi nodded, “That’s actually one of the reasons why we came… To make sure you’re okay.”

“I needed to see him,” Rafael sighed; _We need him,_ “But I think it was a bad idea.” _No we don’t,_ he thought, _We enjoy his company more than theirs… Tell them the truth._ “No,” he whispered; looking down at his drink. _At least he doesn’t pity us._

“Why did Carter ask to see you?” Amanda asked.

“I’d rather not talk about it,” Rafael sighed, “What have you guys been up to?”

“Other than work, nothin’,” Carisi shrugged. “We should go out and get dinner sometime, I’m sure everyone would love to catch up with you.”

“Yeah,” Rafael muttered, “Sure, we can organise something.”

“Why don’t you tell us about Jesse?” Olivia smiled, “We haven’t seen her in so long.”

“Oh she’s gotten so big,” Amanda beamed.

As they spoke Rafael tuned out, his mind wandering from thought to thought: when spoken to Rafael replied absentmindedly. As the hours passed Rafael felt more isolated from everyone as their voices echoed through his head; unable to engage in a proper conversation he didn’t notice when they left.

“Rafael?” Olivia’s muffled voice called out. “Rafael?”

“Huh?” he questioned, “I’m sorry what?”

“Carisi and Rollins left,” she sighed.

“Oh,” he muttered, “I’m sorry.”

“You barely spoke to them,” she frowned, “They’re our friends.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” he nodded.

She sighed, “We need to talk.”

“Yeah, I figured that was coming,” he mumbled as he stood up, “Bedroom?”

She nodded and soon after they made their way out of the living room and into their bedroom; she quickly closed the door as she asked, “How long have you had the gun?”

“I don’t know,” Rafael mumbled.

“Rafael, I need you to be honest with me,” she sighed.

“I am,” he frowned, “I don’t remember buying it. I mean I must have… I knew exactly where it was.”

Olivia paused, “Is it legal?”

“I… I think so,” he nodded as he walked across the room and sat on the bed, “It has to be… I have documents for it.”

“I think you should give me the gun,” she sighed.

“What? No,” he frowned.

“Don’t you think one gun in the house is enough?” she asked.

“What am I supposed to do when you go to work?” he growled, “Ask them not to shoot me?” He paused as he lifted his shirt slightly revealing his bullet scar, “Cause that worked out so well for me last time.”

Olivia took a deep breath as she kept her eyes on his face, “Rafael, I can’t have you with a gun in your current state of mind-“

He rolled his eyes, “I’m not going to hurt someone-“

“You almost did today,” she frowned, “You were ready to pull that trigger out of fear.”

“That’s not… I was being followed,” he mumbled.

“Were you?” she asked, “Carisi and Rollins didn’t see anyone.”

“I…” he paused.

“I’m worried you’ll hurt someone or even yourself if I let you keep that gun,” she sighed.

 _She’s not wrong,_ “Fine,” he grumbled, “Take the gun.”

“I’m going to put it in our safe,” she sighed as she picked it up off the bed. “I’m changing the combination too.”

“Can I know what you change it to?” he asked.

“When I trust you wont go pointing it at anyone,” Olivia nodded.

Rafael watched Olivia leave the room before standing up and making his way to their ensuite; he stood at the sink for a moment before asking, “Did you know I bought the gun?” he asked.

Staring back at himself in the mirror he thought; _We knew._

“Why can’t I remember?” he frowned.

_We needed protection… They’re out to get us._

“They’re out to get me,” Rafael muttered under his breath as he lowered his gaze.

As Rafael nodded to the voice in his head he thought; _Is there anyone we can trust? Is she-_

“Rafael?” Olivia asked; interrupting his thoughts. “Are you okay?”

Rafael snapped his gaze to his own eyes before turning his stare to Olivia in the mirror, “I’m fine.”

Olivia raised an eyebrow as she watched the way his eyes were glued to the mirror, “I think… I think you should go back to your therapist.”

He frowned as he turned to face her, “I don’t need her. I’m doing fine.”

“Rafael you do realise what you just did, don’t you?” she asked.

He paused, “Yes.”

“You gave up on your therapy after a few months,” she sighed, “I was supportive of that decision but now I can’t just let things get worse again. It’s time you went back.”

“I did what she told me to do,” he mumbled.

“You don’t take your pills,” she frowned.

“I don’t need them,” he huffed, turning away from her.

Olivia took a few cautious steps towards him; when she was close enough she placed a soft hand on top of his, she felt him shaking, “The voices are back again, aren’t they?”

Rafael stared at himself in the mirror; clenching his jaw as he took a few slow deep breaths, “I’m not crazy,” he muttered.

“I didn’t say you were,” she said quietly. She traced small circles into the back of his hand; easing him, as she spoke, “We all have our own ways of coping.”

He lowered his gaze and watched her hand on his; he felt safe yet lonely under her touch, _More pity,_ he thought. As his silence grew longer he turned on his heels, removing himself from her, as he started for the door, “You don’t...” he muttered under his breath.

“What?” she questioned as she followed him into their room. “Rafael talk to me.”

He paused at the foot of the bed; “You don’t believe in me.”

She was taken back; “I always believed in you… What’s brought that on?”

“You think seeing Carter was a mistake,” he mumbled, “You think I can’t make the right decisions for myself. That all of this…” he paused as he turned to face her; “That all of this instability could have been avoided.”

“You’re right, I don’t think seeing Carter was a smart idea,” she nodded as she took a step closer. “But I trust your judgement to know that you honestly believe it will help and I’ll support you no matter what.”

“You think he’s broken me again,” Rafael muttered.

Olivia moved towards him, closing the gap; “Seeing Carter or not, I always knew this time of the year would be difficult for you,” she said pulling him into a hug.

Taking a shuddering breath as he relaxed against her, “I’m sorry you have to deal with this.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” she reassured.

“I think I just want to lay down for a while,” he muttered as he broke the hug.

“Are you sure?” Olivia questioned, “Do you want dinner?”

“No,” he sighed, “I think I’m just going to stay in here for the rest of the night.”

“Okay,” she sighed, “I’ll be in later to check on you.”

“I love you,” he said as he leaned in and gave her a quick kiss.

  

The following afternoon Olivia saw Rafael heading for the front door, “Where are you going?” she asked.

“Uh,” he paused; turning to her he mumbled, “I just…” _Just tell her about the therapy… Better yet, tell her you’re whipped_ , “I’m going for a walk.”

“A walk?” she questioned; raising an eyebrow.

“Yes,” he nodded, “I need to clear my head.”

“You haven’t gone on a walk alone this late before,” Olivia sighed, “Are you sure it’s a good idea?”

Rafael checked his watch; _You’re going to be late if you don’t leave soon_ , “Liv, I’m going to be fine. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Okay,” she nodded. Before she could say anything else Rafael rushed out the door.

  

Rafael walked through a dark, wooden waiting room without acknowledging anyone else in the room as he made his way towards the office door down the hallway. He knocked softly on the door before opening it; “Welcome back Mr Barba,” the woman smiled, “Come in.”

Rafael slowly walked towards the chair in front of her desk; “It’s been a while Ms Thatcher,” he mumbled sitting down.

“Please call me Rachael but I’m glad you’re back,” she nodded. “What’s on your mind?”

“I saw him,” Rafael muttered, “Carter… I thought it would give me some closure.”

“Did it?”

Rafael laughed a little, “If it had I wouldn’t be sitting here.”

“What did happen then?” Rachael asked.

“It made everything worse,” he sighed. “The nightmares are back; worse than ever. My paranoia, the flash backs, everything… It’s all back.”

“Will you allow me to help you this time?” she questioned.

“What are you talking about? I’ve always allowed you to help me… That’s why I’m here,” he frowned.

“No,” she shook her head, “You came here to appease your wife while pushing everything down and hoping for the best. It was always going to come back but the question is will you let me help you before it breaks you?”

“Okay,” he nodded, “Help me… I need to get rid of these voices inside my head.”

“I want you to think about that day in the warehouse,” Rachael sighed, “Think about how it made you feel.”

Rafael closed his eyes as he thought; his hands gripping the chair tightly, “I was scared and angry.”

“Given the choice to do it all again, would you change something?” she asked.

Opening his eyes he sighed, “I’d pull the trigger.”

Not surprised at his answer she simply nodded and replied, “What makes you say that now?”

“Knowing what I know now, how hard its been for me, how much I’ve suffered at the hands of him while he gets to sit back in prison without a care in the world,” he mumbled. “I’d pull that trigger… I would have pulled it that day.”

“What stopped you?”

“Olivia,” he said breathlessly.

“Do you resent anything?” Rachael asked.

“I don’t resent my wife,” he frowned.

“That’s not what I was asking,” she said intrigued, “But I do find it interesting that’s how you took it.”

 _She’s twisting our words,_ he thought, _Is she though? Or are we lying?_ He closed his eyes as he tried to push the voices away.

“Do you resent your wife?” she asked bluntly.

“What, no,” he mumbled opening his eyes again. “I just wish she loved me.”

“I’m sure she does,” she reassured.

“Not like she used to,” he mumbled, “Half the time I think she only stays out of guilt.”

“Do you want her to leave?”

“No, I love her… I owe her,” he frowned.

“Owe?” Rachael questioned.

“I owe her my life,” he sighed, “Without her I wouldn’t be here today.”

“Marriage isn’t about owing each other,” she sighed, “It’s about love and respect. Can you honestly tell me, in your opinion, that your marriage still has both of those things?”

“We do,” he nodded, “But I wish she’d stop pitying me… Like I’m one of her victims.”

“From everything you’ve told me in our time together, she doesn’t pity you but something’s blocking your ability to see otherwise,” Rachael said. “Which in turn is putting a strain on your relationship.” Rafael nodded along as she spoke; “What do you see when you look at her? Do you feel anything?”

“I feel love and protection,” he paused, “But there are times when I don’t see her. I don’t recognise her.”

“How often would you say that happens?”

“Not often,” he shrugged, “Usually only after a bad flash back.”

“Mhmm,” she nodded as she wrote on her note pad.

“But…” he hesitated.

“But what?”

“There have been times when I’m a bit foggy and don’t recall what I’ve just done or said,” he sighed, “I feel helpless when that happens and I think she knows that.”

Rachael paused for a moment as she read her note pad; “Have the voices started again?”

“What’s with everyone and asking me that?” he frowned, “I’m sure I’m not the only one who has voices.”

“You’re not, but when you’re losing awareness like that, I’m thinking that other personality you’ve developed has taken over,” she said.

“What?” he questioned, “How can that be?”

“It can happen when you’re under extreme stress,” Rachael explained, “We’ve already discussed why you have the other personality last time you were here.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “As a way to cope but how can it take over without me knowing?”

“It’s an unusual coping mechanism but it does happen,” she sighed, “I would say that it would have come forward when you were feeling stressed or threatened.”

“Can I do anything about it?” he asked.

“Have you taken any of the pills I prescribed you?” she asked.

Rafael shifted in his seat; “No,” he mumbled.

“Did you fill it out?” she questioned.

Rafael drew a deep breath, “No.”

“I’m going to write you another prescription,” she sighed as she took out a note pad, “I want you to take these.”

“I don’t-“

“Rafael,” she frowned, “Do you want the voices to stop?”

“Yes but,” he sighed, “I don’t want to be dependent on them.”

“You just said you were having trouble remembering again, yes?”

“I, uh,” he mumbled, “Yeah… Yeah I am.”

“I suggest you take them,” she said as she held out the piece of paper.

Reluctantly Rafael leaned forward and took hold of the prescription, “How often do I have to take these?”

“Once a day,” Rachael sighed, “If it’s a particularly bad day, take another.”

“Yeah okay,” he mumbled as he checked his watch, “I think our hour is up.”

“I think we should schedule another appointment before you go-“

“No, I’ll book one soon,” Rafael interrupted.

“Rafael,” she frowned.

“I promise I’ll book another one,” he sighed, “I’ll feel these out now and I’ll get back to you on that appointment.”

“Okay,” she nodded, “I hope to see you soon.”

Rafael smiled as he stood up and made his way out of her office; he spent the next hour fighting with himself as he debated on buying the medication; eventually he gave in and bought it. By the time he got home Olivia was putting Noah to bed; avoiding her he quickly rushed into their room and took a pill. Soon after he sat on the lounge waiting for Olivia; they ended up spending the rest of the night together watching a movie.

 

Saturday afternoon Rafael and Noah walked through their usual route towards the car; Rafael got an unnerving feeling in his stomach. He looked around but unable to see thing out of the ordinary he thought, _It’s just your paranoia._ As they walked they turned down a dark pathway; trees lining each side, rays of the afternoon sun bursting through every few feet.

“Daddy do you think the giants are friendly?” Noah asked.

Feeling uneasy Rafael jumped at the sound of Noah’s voice, “W-what?” he stuttered, “Giants?”

“From the story,” Noah explained, “The one you were telling me at the playground.”

“Oh,” Rafael nodded, “Yeah they’re friendly, they protect those who are lost from the ogres.”

“Do you think this could be the way to their kingdom?” Noah questioned, “Or to the ogres… It looks pretty scary.”

Rafael smiled as he tightened his grip on Noah’s hand, “It does look pretty mystical down here doesn’t it.”

As they continued walking Noah asked, “They’re not real are they?”

“The giants or the ogres?” Rafael questioned.

“Both,” Noah sighed, “They’re scary.”

“Don’t worry, there’s always someone looking out for you,” Rafael reassured, “There’s nothing to be scared-“ All of a sudden Rafael was interrupted by two sets of hands taking hold of him; as he struggled to get free he felt Noah’s hand slip from his own. “Noah run!” he shouted.

“Get the boy,” a strange voice growled next to Rafael’s ear.

It was shortly followed by a sharp pain at the back of his head; Rafael’s vision started to blur as he fell to his knees, “Noah!” he shouted. Another blow to his head knocked him flat on his stomach; hearing Noah screaming Rafael tried to get to his hands and knees but he was feeling dizzy. As he laid on the ground he saw Noah being carried away, “No,” he whispered as he crawled forward; his vision fading to black. When he regained some consciousness he saw Noah farther down the pathway, still screaming Rafael’s name; before long Rafael lost consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

When he woke, his head pounding, Rafael slowly got to his knees, dirt and leaves falling from his face; spitting out dirt as he sat there. He felt dirt crunching in his teeth as his head began to spin; he brought his hand to the back of his head but when he felt something warm and wet coating his fingers he pulled away. Looking at his hand he saw something dark glimmering in the early moonlight; “What happ-“ he paused. His heart started to beat quickly against his chest as he frantically looked around, “NOAH!” he called out; a slight echo answered in the otherwise silent night. Slowly getting to his feet he staggered down the pathway; “Noah?” he mumbled. A small buzz in his pocket startled him; stopping in his tracks, Rafael took his phone out and answered, “H-Hello?”

“Where are you?!” Olivia rushed, “I’ve been calling you for the last hour.”

“Is Noah with you?” he asked.

“No…” Olivia said confused, “He should be with you.”

Rafael pulled the phone away as he looked around; tree’s filling his line sight, “Shit,” he muttered. Hearing Olivia’s muffled voice Rafael placed the phone back on his ear, “Liv… Noah’s gone.”

“What?” she huffed, “What do you mean he’s gone?!”

“He’s not here,” Rafael mumbled, “I can’t find him. I think… I think something happened.”

“What?” Olivia rushed, “What happened?”

“I-I don’t know,” Rafael replied, “It was so fast.” He paused as he placed a hand on the back of his head again, a sharp pain ran through him, “I think… I’m bleeding.”

“How long ago did this happen?” Olivia asked.

“I don’t know- I don’t know, I don’t remember-” Rafael said quickly. Finding it hard to breathe, he uttered, “Oh God.”

“Breathe,” Olivia said quietly, “I need you to focus here.”

After a few shallow breaths Rafael sniffled, “Okay.”

“Can you tell me where you are?” she asked.

Rafael almost lost his balance as he spun around, “I don’t know,” he sighed, “There’s a lot of trees and- hang on.“

A man approached him from the shadows, “Hey man, are you okay?” he asked.

Feeling dizzy, it took a moment for Rafael to focus on the man, “Do I know you?”

“No,” the man replied, “I’m an EMT who works in the park, I saw you staggering along the path.” He pulled out a torch and shone it on Rafael; “Man, you’re bleeding, it looks bad.”

Rafael squinted at the man; “What?”

“Why don’t you sit down,” the EMT suggested as he helped Rafael to the ground, “Do you know who you are?“

“Of course,” Rafael frowned, “I’ve got to-“

“You’re not going anywhere,” the man said placing a firm hand on Rafael’s shoulder, “I can’t let you go before I determine you’re okay.”

“Do I know you?” Rafael asked.

“Sir?” the man frowned; hearing a muffled voice coming from the phone he asked, “Can I talk to whoever’s on the other line?”

Rafael looked at his phone confused, “Y-yeah...”

The EMT took hold of the phone and placed it to his ear, “Answer me Rafael, this isn’t a time to be playing games!” Olivia’s voice growled.

“Ma’am, I’m Brian Jackson,” the man interrupted.

“Where’s Rafael?” she asked.

“He’s sitting in front of me, he looks like he’s sustained a pretty bad head injury,” Brian explained, “Who am I talking to?”

“Lieutenant Olivia Benson,” she replied, “Can you tell me where you are? This is important.”

“Uh, yeah, we’re down the overgrown pathway about 20 feet North of the kids playground,” Brian answered.

“Keep him there,” Olivia ordered, “Where you are is a crime scene.”

“What?”

“Just do it,” Olivia huffed, “I’ll be there in 10 minutes with my squad.”

“Okay, do you want-“ Brian was cut short when Olivia hung up. He handed Rafael his phone back as he sighed, “Okay so let’s take a look, can you lean forward for me?” When Rafael did, Brian aimed the torch to the back of his head; there was blood, dirt and leaves mattered into his hair. “Any idea how you got that?”

Rafael mumbled, “I think I was hit with something.”

“Okay, you can lean back again,” Brian said, “I’m going to say three words, can you repeat them back to me when I ask?”

“Yeah, I can manage that,” Rafael nodded.

“Okay so, elephant… Blue… Flower,” he said slowly.

“Elephant, blue, flower,” Rafael repeated, “Got it.”

“Good,” Brian smiled, “Now can you tell me your name?”

“Rafael,” he answered.

Brian nodded as he asked, “What’s the date?”

“24th of May,” Rafael replied.

“Good, what colour is Rudolph’s nose?”

“The reindeer?” Rafael questioned. When Brian nodded Rafael grumbled, “This is ridiculous, I’m fine.”

“Just answer my questions,” he sighed.

“Red, his nose is red,” Rafael answered.

“Now can you tell me what those words I asked you to remember were?”

Rafael paused; “Um, envelope, green and, uh, boat?”

Brian sighed, “Thank you.”

“Okay I guessed the last one,” Rafael admitted, “But two out of three isn’t bad, right?”

“If you got two,” Brian mumbled.

 

Olivia ran down the pathway; red and blue lights colouring the tree line, “Rafael?” she panted as she neared him.

“Olivia?” he questioned as he watched a dark figure approach him, “I’m over here.”

She stopped just in front of him, “How is he?”

Brian looked up, “I’ve bandaged his head to stop the bleeding but I think he needs a brain scan-“

“Can he answer questions?” Olivia rushed.

“I don’t feel comfortable-“

“A 6 year old boy is missing,” Olivia growled, “I need to find him and Rafael is the only one who can tell me what happened.”

“I think he can answer a few questions but he’s suffering from a bad concussion and his short term memory is sketchy,” Brian sighed. “Don’t expect the answers you need, they could come to him or not… just be patient.”

Olivia flipped her hair out of her face as she nodded; slowly kneeling down until she was eye level with Rafael she asked, “Hon, I need your help to find our son, can you do that?”

“Of course,” Rafael replied, “I’ll do anything to help him.”

“Do you remember what happened?”

Rafael closed his eyes as he thought; his head starting to ache, “No…” he muttered, “I can’t-“

“I need you to try harder,” Olivia pushed.

He opened his eyes and frowned, “I’m doing the best I can. I don’t even know where I am.”

“You’re in Central Park,” Olivia sighed, “Now did something happen or could Noah have just simply run away from you?”

As Olivia spoke something was triggered in his memory; he could vividly see Noah in front of him, screaming, while he was struck in the back of the head. His eyes moved back and forth as he tried to stay with the memory but it was gone just as quickly as it came; jumping to his feet he stumbled forward a few steps, “He didn’t run away. He couldn’t, they wouldn’t let him,” he mumbled. “I was jumped, I remember that… I remember a voice in my ear saying… something, I don’t know.”

“What else do you remember?” Olivia asked as she stood up and took a few steps closer. “Anything you smelt, heard, tasted, felt?”

“I don’t know- I remember feeling uneasy but I just thought that was my paranoia again,” Rafael sighed. He turned to find her standing next to him, “I think they were waiting for us, they must have known our routine.”

“How many?”

“I don’t remember,” he frowned.

“Rafael,” Olivia growled, “You’ve got to start answering me. Which way did they go?”

Rafael looked down left down the path; “That- no,” he mumbled turning down the other way, “That way?”

Olivia let out a low frustrated grunt as she ran her fingers through her hair; “Do you even want to find him?”

“Ma’am,” Brian mumbled as he walked cautiously towards them, “You’re pushing too hard.”

“Answer me,” Olivia growled.

“Of course I do Olivia,” Rafael huffed.

“Then tell me what happened,” she frowned.

“Ma’am, I know you’re a cop but he’s been hit pretty hard,” Brian interrupted.

“This is my son,” she snarled.

“Our,” Rafael corrected quietly, “He’s our son.” The red and blue lights lit up her face just enough for Rafael to see the glare she was giving him; “I’m trying… Noah and I were walking down here talking about something and after that it gets a little fuzzy. I hear a voice and see Noah screaming in front of me but I couldn’t do anything to help him… They weren’t after me.”

“I told you not to use that path,” Olivia frowned, “You shouldn’t have been here that late.”

“We were leaving,” Rafael growled, “This isn’t my fault. How was I supposed to know this would happen?”

“Use your fucking brain,” Olivia huffed, “You should have-“

“I’m just as pissed off as you are so don’t take this out on me,” he grumbled.

“I’m sorry,” she sighed, “I just… I just want my son back.”

Rafael closed the gap and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against him tightly, “I know,” he whispered, “I want him back too.”

She took a shuddering breath as she leaned against him, her head on his shoulder; as they stood there in each others embrace Fin cautiously made his way closer, “Lieutenant,” he whispered.

Olivia lifted her head just enough to see Fin, “Do you have something?”

Fin sighed, “There’s no sign of anything.”

Olivia’s heart sank as she pushed Rafael away, “What? There’s got to be something. Anything.”

“There’s a small puddle of blood a few feet that way but that’s it,” Fin mumbled.

“That’s probably mine,” Rafael sighed.

“Run it anyway,” Olivia ordered, “Any idea on where they could have gone or at least come from?”

“No Liv,” Fin shrugged, “I’m sorry but there’s no sign of anyone else being here.”

“I swear there was,” Rafael mumbled, “I’m not making this up.”

“Is it possible you just fell?” Fin asked.

Rafael frowned, “I might not remember everything but I know I didn’t just fall. Someone took my son!” He started to walk away when he mumbled, “Maybe you should stop blaming me and find him.”

“Rafael,” Olivia sighed.

“No,” he growled, “He’s out there, scared out of his mind and we’re all just standing around, blaming me. If that’s what we’re doing then, okay, go ahead, it’s my fault my son was taken, I should have fought harder-“

“No one’s saying-“ Olivia began.

“Yes you are,” he sighed as he turned to face her; “While you do that, I’m going to look for him.”

They watched as Rafael walked away, “Ma’am,” Brian whispered, “He really should go to the hospital and get a brain scan. We can’t let him leave.”

Olivia took a deep breath as she ran a hand across her mouth; after a brief moment of thought she sighed, “Let him go.”

“That’s not a good idea,” Brian frowned.

“You can’t force him to go if he doesn’t want to,” Olivia mumbled, “He’s more useful out here than he is stuck in a hospital.” Turning to Fin she added, “Get someone to follow him.”

“Like who?” Fin asked.

“Anyone, I don’t care. Just have them keep their distance,” she frowned.

 

Rafael walked along the tree-lined pathway; the lights fading behind him, “I’ll find him if no one else will,” he grumbled under his breath. While he continued forward, a sharp pain shot through his head making him stagger; letting out a grunt as he brought his hand to his head. As the pain dissipated he looked around, “Noah?” he called out. “Anyone?” He rolled his eyes as he pushed forward, unable to walk in a straight line; tree’s looming around the dark pathway, “Please God, let me find my boy.” When he turned the corner he found a clearing in front of him; he started to walk towards it when another, stronger, burst of pain shot through him, blurring his vision. Rafael stopped in his tracks as he brought both hands to his head; each taking a fistful of hair as he screamed. He shut his eyes tightly when a high-pitched ring caused him to fall to his knees; Rafael panted as he leaned forward until his forehead was pressed against the ground.

A voice growled in Rafael’s ear, repeating itself over and over again, “Get the boy.”

“Stop,” Rafael begged.

“DADDY!” Noah’s voice screamed.

Tears in his eyes Rafael whispered, “Noah, I’m- I’m sorry.”

When the pain turned into a dull ache Rafael slowly sat up and opened his eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks; he sat there as he caught his breath. He frantically looked around as he tried to calm himself; his heart sank when he saw something shining in the moonlight at the edge of the pathway. He crawled his way over and saw a child’s shoe; Rafael froze as he stared at it, _That’s Noah’s…_ he panicked. “NOAH!” he screamed.

He heard footsteps rushing behind him; “Rafael,” Carisi’s voice followed, “Are you okay? I saw you fall.”

“I’m fucking great,” Rafael snarled. “Someone took my son and I’m being blamed for it.”

“No one’s-“

“Just… take this,” Rafael sighed as he pointed to the shoe, “It’s Noah’s.”

Carisi stood there as he pulled a glove from his jacket; when he bent down to pick up the shoe Rafael screamed in his ear, “Rafael!” he said concerned.

Rafael rolled on to his back as he closed his eyes, tears streaming down his face and his breathing laboured; the pain was so intense all Rafael could do was let out a bloodcurdling scream.

“DADDY!” Noah cried.

As he screamed spit began to fly everywhere; as he ran out of breath he rolled over to his side. He felt Noah’s hand being ripped from his as laid there, “N-N-Noah,” he panted.

“Get the boy!”

“Rafael!” Carisi shouted. “OLIVIA! Something’s wrong!”

The ringing in his ears tuned out the rush of footsteps coming down the pathway; “Is that Noah’s?” Olivia rushed when she saw the shoe.

Carisi watched as Rafael pulled at his hair, sobbing; he took a deep breath as he said, “Liv, Rafael’s not-“

“That’s Noah’s, get it to the lab,” she frowned. “GO!” Olivia watched as Carisi stood up and walked away before turning her attentions to her husband; his sobbing had quietened as he tried to catch his breath, “Rafael?” she sighed.

“It… hurts,” he panted.

“I know,” Olivia comforted, “I’m sorry for pushing you, I’ll have someone take you to the hospital-“

“No,” he whispered, “I want to help.”

“Rafael look at yourself,” Olivia sighed, “You’re in a lot of pain, you should have left ages go but I pushed you. I had to.”

He opened his eyes slowly; his vision still blurred, “Where are you?” he asked.

She bent down next to him, placing a hand on his chest, “I’m right here.”

Seeing a dark figure above him he mumbled, “I- I can’t see you.”

“Can you see anything?” Olivia asked.

“I see shadows of everything,” Rafael muttered, “Liv, my head is killing me.”

“Why don’t you sit up for a moment,” Olivia suggested. With one arm she took hold of his and placed the other behind his shoulder as she helped him up, “Good, how are you feeling now?”

Rafael blinked a few times before things started to focus again; he screwed up his face the dull ache continued, “I… I’m fine.” After a few deep breaths he growled, “I’ve got to find my son,” he brushed Olivia’s hands off him as he tried to stand up; losing his balance he fell back to the ground.

“No,” Olivia frowned, “You’re going to the hospital.”

Rafael tried to stand again as he huffed, “I’m fine-“

“I’m not losing the both of you,” Olivia said firmly. “Now sit your ass down.”

He sighed as he sat down, “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean for this.”

“Just stay here,” Olivia sighed as she stood up, “I’ve got to tell them to start looking down this way.”

“Okay,” he mumbled.

She took a few steps before turning to face him, “How’d you know Noah’s shoe was over here?” Rafael remained silent as he stared at the ground, “Rafael?”

“I didn’t,” he absentmindedly said. After a moment Rafael blinked and turned his attention to Olivia’s silhouette, “Where am I?”

Olivia took a deep breath, “Just stay here.”

When Olivia disappeared down the pathway Rafael sat there, a cold breeze hitting his skin; feeling confused he looked around himself, “Hello?” He heard a few muffled voices coming down the pathway; “Why am I here?” he questioned. As he sat there he thought, _Noah, go find him;_ he staggered to his feet, his head aching as he stood still. A few moments later he stumbled forward, away from the voices, “Noah?” he mumbled. His vision fading in and out as he felt physically weak but he pushed forward; he made it to the clearing when he collapsed under his own weight. As he laid there, sprawled out on the grass, he felt himself slip out of consciousness.

 

“Fin!” Olivia called out as she walked towards the established crime scene. “Have you seen Brian?”

“He left,” Fin answered as he started for her. “Why?”

Olivia sighed, “I’ve got a bus on its way but I wanted him to just look over Rafael before they got here.”

“How’s he doing?” Fin asked.

“I don’t know,” she mumbled, “He was hit pretty hard.”

“Where is he?” Carisi asked as he walked over.

Turning to find him standing with Rollins, Olivia answered, “He’s still sitting over where you two were.” Olivia looked around at all the patrolmen wandering the area, “I want a few officers over where Rafael is… We need to start searching that side.”

“Okay,” Rollins nodded, “I’ll gather a few people and head over there.”

“Fin I want you to stay here so that when the paramedics arrive you can show them where to go,” Olivia said.

“Got it,” Fin acknowledged.

“And me?” Carisi asked.

“You’re with Rollins,” Olivia mumbled, “I’ll meet you over there, I’ve got to be with Rafael.”

“I’ll walk over with you,” Carisi suggested, “Rollins can meet us there.”

“I’m okay with that,” Rollins replied.

“Okay, let’s go,” Olivia said. She turned on her heels and started back the way she came, Carisi following closely behind; her eyes darting through the dark to try and find Rafael. They walked quietly for a few minutes until Olivia said, “He should be right here.”

“Where’d he go?” Carisi asked, “He’s in no state to walk.”

“I know,” Olivia huffed, “I told him to stay.”

“RAFAEL!” Carisi called out.

Olivia frantically looked around, her heart beating quickly, “I don’t have time for this,” she muttered, “RAFAEL!” Olivia’s eyes were drawn to the clearing just ahead of them, “Stay here,” she mumbled as she started down the pathway. The cold wind flowing through her hair as she entered a slight jog; her eyes running up and down each side of the path but as she reached the clearing she saw a dark shadow lying still on the grass. “Oh no,” she panted as she entered a sprint. “Rafael,” she said out of breath when she reached him. “No, no, no, please wake up,” she begged. She knelt down beside him, the wet grass soaking her knees, as she searched for a pulse; “Oh thank god,” she said relieved. Olivia sat there as she watched his unconscious body rise and fall with each breath; now in the full moonlight she saw the blood soaked bandage wrapped around his head; _I can’t stay here, Noah needs me… But Rafael needs me too._ After a few minutes passed Olivia’s phone buzzed; “Benson,” she answered.

“The paramedics are here,” Carisi mumbled, “Did you find him?”

“We’re in the clearing,” Olivia replied, “Tell them Rafael’s unconscious.”

 

As Rafael slowly woke, he felt confused as he looked around the room; his eyesight blurred. After a minute everything gradually came into focus; he was in a dull grey hospital room, alone. As he tried to move he felt something pulling on the back of his hand; looking over he noticed the machine and IV’s he was hooked up to, “What happened?” he frowned. He pulled the heart monitor off as he sat up, putting his feet on the floor; he was about to get off the bed when he heard rushed footsteps behind him. Snapping his head around he muttered, “Liv?” his heart sank when he saw a young nurse instead.

“Sir, I need you to stay in bed,” she frowned as she walked towards him.

“I have to get out of here,” Rafael grumbled.

“You can’t go,” she huffed as Rafael started to stand, “Sit down!”

Rafael sighed as he sat on the edge of the bed, “How long have I been here?”

The woman was checking his IV’s when she replied; “You came in last night.”

“Last night?” Rafael questioned, “What time is it?”

“Nearly 1 in the afternoon,” she sighed.

“What,” he growled, “What happened?”

“Sir, you have sustained some minor brain swelling,” she explained, “You had an accident-“

 _Accident?_ He frowned. His eyes flicked back and forth as he tried to remember; a dull headache began to set in. _We didn’t have an accident_ , a voice mumbled, _We were attacked!_

“It wasn’t an accident,” he mumbled. As he fought hard to remember he saw a glimpse of Noah’s hand slipping from his own, “My son! Did they find him yet?”

“Oh,” she said sympathetically, “The missing boy from the park is your son?”

“How’d you know?”

“It’s all over the news,” she sighed, “I’m sorry but they haven’t found him yet.”

“Can I please leave soon?” he begged, “I need to help find him.”

She paused as she looked at him; she noticed his eyes beginning to water, feeling sorry for him she whispered, “I’ll see what I can do.”

Taking a shuddering breath Rafael sniffled, “Thank you.”

“I’ll let you know soon,” she said as she turned for the door.

Rafael watched as the nurse neared the doorway, “Can I ask you something?” he sighed.

Turning back to him she nodded, “Sure.”

“Is there a woman, um, about my height, brown hair-“

“The Lieutenant?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Rafael mumbled, “Is she here?”

She drew a deep breath as she shook her head, “No, I’m sorry.”

Rafael closed his eyes; “Was she here at all?” he asked, slowly opening his eyes again.

“When you were first brought in,” she sighed, “But she only stayed for an hour.”

“Oh.”

“We’re supposed to call her as soon as you wake up,” she reassured, “I’m sure she’ll be on her way now.”

“Thank you,” he muttered as he forced a smile.

When the nurse left Rafael was left alone with the voice in his head, _She doesn’t care for us,_ the voice said.

“She’s just looking for Noah,” he muttered.

_She blames us!_

He paused, “She’s not wrong to blame me.”

_She doesn’t love us, she never did… She pities us._

Rafael shook his head as he closed his eyes, “Stop,” he growled. “She loves me, she’s just looking for Noah,” he reminded himself. As he leaned back into the bed he felt a remote underneath his side; he picked it up as he made himself comfortable. Looking around he noticed the TV hanging from the ceiling; turning it on he was immediately confronted by the News.

“Reports say the missing child from the park is Noah Benson, son of Lieutenant Olivia Benson of the Special Victims Unit,” the reporter muttered. Feeling his stomach drop, Rafael tried to change the channel but something in him changed his mind. He watched as the reporter continued, “The young boy disappeared late Saturday afternoon. It is said he was walking in the park with his adoptive Father, retired ADA Rafael Barba.”

“I can’t watch this,” he muttered as he tried to change the channel again.

_NO! We need to see this!_

“It’s unclear how involved Mr Barba is in the disappearance of the child,” she continued.

Rafael sat up quickly, “Involved?” he growled at the TV. “I didn’t do anything!”

“As far as we know, this was a possible kidnapping but with the police working around the clock on this one, it’s unlikely whoever is involved will get away,” the reporter muttered.

As the News cut to an advertisement Rafael was left sitting in his hospital room questioning himself; he spent the next hour locked in an internal argument with himself as he tried to remember what happened. The less he remembered the more frustrated he got.

 

An hour later Olivia entered his hospital room; removing his gaze from the TV, he looked at her, “Any word?” he asked.

Olivia pursed her lips as she shook her head, “Nothing yet.”

Letting out a disappointed sigh Rafael muttered, “We’ll get him back… Right?”

“I’m not about to give up,” Olivia said as she pulled a chair closer to him.

“Was that where you were?” he mumbled, “Looking for him?”

“I would have been here if I could,” she sighed, “But Noah needs me more.”

They sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes before Rafael gingerly asked, “You don’t think I’m involved, do you?”

“What?” Olivia questioned.

“The News reporters are saying I could be involved, do you think I am?” he sighed.

“No of course not,” she reassured, “You know reporters blow things out of proportion.”

“I’d never hurt do anything to hurt Noah,” Rafael muttered, “I love him.”

“I know,” she nodded. Olivia drew a deep breath, “There’s no sign of the kidnappers-“

“I didn’t make them up,” he frowned.

“Hon, I didn’t say you did,” Olivia said quietly, “But right now, you’re my only hope to find him.”

“I’ve told you everything I can remember,” he muttered. “It happened quickly… they knew what they were doing.”

“Surely there’s something you’re leaving out,” Olivia pushed, “Did you see anything? Maybe it’s something you thought was irrelevant-“

“I know how this works,” he frowned, “I’ve been doing the job along side you for years. Don’t treat me like I’m stupid.”

“I wasn’t,” she sighed.

“I’ve been trying to remember since I woke up,” he growled, “I see Noah’s hand slipping away from mine as I’m grabbed from behind and hit. I never saw their faces, they were only blurs.”

“I’m going to need more than that,” she sighed.

“I’m trying,” he frowned. “Maybe if I could get out of here and help in some other way-“

“You need to stay here, you sustained a serious head injury,” Olivia mumbled.

“Noah needs me,” he muttered. “I don’t want to be in here anymore, I’ve spent more than enough time in hospitals in the past year. I’m more helpful out there.”

“There’s not much else-“

“Liv,” he frowned, “Let me help. I’ll go to Carter tomorrow, I’ll get him to talk. I know he’s got to be involved some how.”

“Rafael do you really think now is the time to start something against Carter?” she questioned.

“I’m not making this up,” he sighed, “I was attacked, our son was taken and I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that he decided to talk to me a few weeks ago after a year of silence.”

“Okay fine,” she mumbled, “I can see your point.”

As they spoke a nurse entered, “I’m sorry to interrupt but I have to change that bag,” she sighed as she pointed to his IV.

“Actually I need to ask you something,” Olivia said as she watched the nurse make her way towards them.

“Oh okay, sure,” she smiled.

“Can he come home?”

She hesitantly looked at Rafael, “I don’t know… I don’t think so.”

“Where’s his doctor?” Olivia asked, “I’ll make a deal with him, I’ll make sure he takes whatever he needs to but he needs to get out of here.”

“Please Ma’am,” Rafael sighed, “I can’t spend another night in a hospital.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” she sighed.

“Thank you,” Olivia nodded.

They sat quietly as they watched the nurse replace the IV bag; shortly after she scurried out of the room leaving the two in an awkward silence. “So?” Rafael shrugged.

“I, um,” Olivia sighed, “I should go talk to your doctor, see if we can get you out of here.”

“Y-yeah,” he nodded, “I feel fine and I promise to take whatever they need to me to take.”

“I know,” she said as she stood up.

Rafael watched as Olivia left without another word; while she was gone he turned his attention back to the TV and mindlessly watched a random cooking show.

Almost an hour of debating with a few doctors, Olivia finally entered his room again, “Okay,” she drew a deep breath, “So you can come home...”

“But?” he questioned.

“You’ve got to take it easy,” she sighed.

Rafael frowned as he shook his head, “I’ll take it easy when Noah is back.”

“That’s what I thought,” she smiled a little. Rafael slowly started to get out of bed as she added, “I’ve already signed all the paperwork, we’ve just got to stop by the pharmacy and then we’re home free.”

“Yeah, okay,” he nodded.

 

They spent the next hour packing his things and leaving the hospital. After they left it was a short drive back home; when they finally reached the door Rafael’s head was spinning, “I, uh,” he paused when he felt like he was going to throw up.

“Are you okay?”

Rafael forced a quick nod as he pushed the door open, “I’m just going to go lie down for a while.”

Olivia watched as Rafael used the wall to walk down the hallway, “Don’t forget to take your meds,” she called out.

He raised his hand to acknowledge her as he disappeared into their bedroom. He dug around in his pockets for the pills he got and took a few before falling, face first, onto the bed. After a few minutes he was asleep.

 

The next day, Rafael stood waiting in the prison, lost in thought, when there was a loud buzz followed by a quick laugh. Rafael turned quickly to find a guard walking towards him; _Not this asshole again_.

“Back so soon?” the guard smiled, “Honestly thought I’d never see you again from the way you rushed out of here last time.”

“I want to see Carter,” Rafael huffed.

“There’s no need, Carter wants to see you,” he shrugged. “Give us some time to get him down here.”

“Make it fast,” Rafael muttered.

The guard took hold of his radio and muttered, “Carter’s got a visitor, get him down here.”

“Rodger that,” a static voice replied.

Looking back to Rafael the guard ordered, “Arms out, legs apart.”

“Seriously?” Rafael growled.

“Do you want to see him or not? I don’t have to let you see him today,” the guard frowned.

Rafael rolled his eyes as he followed the orders, “Fine.”

As the guard frisked him he mumbled, “Told us you’d be back.”

“Are you this friendly with all your inmates?” Rafael frowned.

“I told him that you ran out of here with your tail between your legs,” the guard laughed, “Made a bet you wouldn’t show again… You’re full of surprises.”

Rafael crossed his arms, “You work for him, don’t you?”

The guard shook his head, “I just don’t like you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Rafael muttered.

The guard slowly made his way over to the door; after a loud buzz he began, “The table-“

“Down the end, right?” Rafael rolled his eyes as he made his way through.

“Carter will be down shortly,” the guard sighed as he closed the door behind Rafael.

 

Rafael snapped his head around when he heard the door open again; he saw Carter smugly walking towards him, “I knew you’d be back,” Carter laughed.

“This is the last place I want to be,” Rafael huffed.

“Then why are you here?” Carter asked as he sat in the chair across Rafael.

“I want my son,” Rafael growled.

Carter took a deep breath, “I heard about that, I’m sorry-“

“Cut the bullshit and tell me what you’ve done with my son,” Rafael barked.

Carter smiled, ”I didn’t do anything, how could I? You’ve personally seen to the downfall of my organisation.”

“What did you do to him?!”

“I haven’t touched the boy,” Carter shrugged, “What did you do to him?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rafael frowned.

“The guards have the news on all the time,” Carter mumbled, “No sign of the boy in what 48 hours? Still no trace of the kidnappers and you’re here… You must be desperate… or hiding something.” Rafael remained quiet as he glared at Carter; “Were there even kidnappers?”

“Shut up.”

“Did the boy even leave the park that day?” Carter pushed.

“Shut up.”

“I heard you found the shoe,” Carter remarked, “How’d you know it was there?”

“I don’t need this shit from you,” Rafael huffed.

“Did you injure yourself to make it more believable? If so I’ve got to give you props, that’s some commitment,” Carter chuckled.

“Don’t turn this back on me!” Rafael snarled, “I know you’ve had a hand in this some how, you better tell me where he is or-“

“Or what?” Carter interrupted, “You’ll lock me up? Destroy my career? Kill my family? Sorry Honey but you’ve already done that.”

“You gave just as good as you got,” Rafael growled.

“Did I break you?” Carter smiled.

Rafael tapped on the table as he sighed, “Just tell me where my son is… Please.”

“Begging? Pathetic,” Carter mocked, “I don’t know where the boy is. I didn’t do anything. Believe me if I had… You’d know.”

“Then I’m done here,” Rafael muttered as he stood up.

Watching slowly walk away Carter said, “If I were you, I’d take a long look in the mirror.”

Rafael took a shuddering breath as the door opened; he slowly made his way out of the prison but when he reached his car he felt drained. Not wanting to face Olivia, Rafael got in his car and started to drive towards the park. After a long 30-minute drive, Rafael stood at the edge of the pathway Noah was taken from; he spent the next few hours sitting on a bench, watching the tree’s move in the wind. Hoping for some sign of Noah to show.

 

Late that afternoon, Rafael finally made it home; as he walked through the door he called out, “Olivia?” When he heard the shower running in the distance, he sighed; making his way through the apartment towards the bedroom door. He paused as he poked his head through, “Liv, I’m home.”

“Oh okay,” she called out, “I’ll be out in a second.”

Rafael nodded as he made his way back towards the living room; he spent the next 10 minutes waiting on the lounge for Olivia. He was fidgeting with his thumbs when she emerged, dressed in her pyjamas; “I’m sorry I’m so late,” he muttered.

Olivia slowly walked across the room and sat next to him; “What did Carter say?”

“Nothing,” Rafael sighed, “He gave me nothing.”

Olivia closed her eyes as she placed her head in her hands, “Nothing?” she sighed. “What took you so long to come home then?”

“I uh, I went for a walk,” Rafael mumbled, “I needed to clear my head.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” she asked turning her gaze to him.

Rafael slowly turned to her, “No, I’m telling you everything I know,” he muttered.

“Maybe Carter had nothing to do with-“

“He’s involved,” Rafael frowned, “I know he is but he’s just playing games.”

“Okay,” she sighed as she stood up.

“I’m sorry,” Rafael sighed, “I’m trying to fix this.”

“I’m going to go lie down for a little while,” she mumbled as she walked away from him. “Let me know if anyone calls.”

“I will,” he nodded. “I love you.”

Olivia sighed as she left the living room. Rafael spent most of the night sitting in silence forcing himself to think about Noah and the kidnapping. His mind jumped from thought to thought; unable to form a coherent train of thought, he grew more irritated.

 

Rafael woke to find the bed empty; as he got up he saw Olivia walking past the doorway. He rushed after her to find her walking towards the door; “Where are you going?” he questioned.

“I’m going to see Carter myself,” Olivia sighed.

“I’m going with you,” he rushed.

“No, no you’re not,” Olivia mumbled, “He talks to me differently when you’re not around.”

Rafael paused, “He won’t talk to you.”

“He will,” she muttered as she started for the door.

Rafael took a few steps towards her, “Please, he’s not going to help.”

Olivia shook her head as she opened the door; when she stepped out she looked over her shoulder, “I’m sorry but I have to do this alone.”

Rafael stood quietly as she closed the door; feeling useless he turned back into the apartment.

 

Carter slowly walked into visitation; as he entered he saw only Olivia sitting in the room, he paused for a moment before sighing, “I was told Barba was here.”

“ _A_ Barba is here,” Olivia replied.

“Well played,” Carter nodded as he sat across the table. “You took your time to visit me Dearie, so why do I have the pleasure?”

“I know you wont tell Rafael what he wants to know,” Olivia frowned, “You’re just trying to get into his head again but you _will_ talk to me.”

“You think you’ve got it all figured out, huh?” Carter smirked.

“Tell me what you’ve done with Noah,” she huffed. “Where’s my boy?”

“I don’t have him,” Carter shrugged, “Like I told your husband, how could I have done something to the boy when I’m here?”

“Shut up,” Olivia growled, “I know you’ve got something to do with this. It’s no coincidence you decided to talk to Rafael a few weeks ago.”

“How about we make a deal and I’ll help you find your son?” he bargained.

“I’m not playing around,” she snarled.

Carter smiled, “Neither am I. We talk about a deal or we’re not talking.”

Olivia sat quietly for a moment, tapping her finger on the table, “You’re not getting out of here. I can’t do that.”

“That’s not what I want,” Carter shrugged.

“This is ridiculous,” she huffed, rolling her eyes as she stood up. “You don’t know anything.”

Carter watched as she took a few steps away from her before quietly saying, “Do you want to see your son alive or not?” As Olivia stopped dead in her tracks Carter smiled, “It’s been what? Three days now? We both know the longer he’s missing the more likely he’s-”

Turning quickly she huffed, “Where is he?”

“Take my deal and I’ll help you get him back,” he suggested; leaning back in his chair. “You know that I’ve still got reach out there. That’s why I gave Rafael that wedding photo… I assume you saw it, it was meant for you after all.”

“What do you want?” Olivia questioned.

“How much are you willing to sacrifice for your son?” Carer retorted.

“Stop playing games, what’s the price?” Olivia asked firmly.

Carter shook his head as he leaned back in his chair, “I didn’t think you could put a price on your sons life.”

Olivia paused, “You want Rafael, don’t you?”

“Do you want my help or not?” Carter frowned.

“No, I’ll find him myself,” Olivia frowned as she stood up.

Watching her walk towards the door, Carter called out, “A parent isn’t supposed to outlive their child, don’t let him take yours too.”

“We’re done talking,” she huffed.

As she waited at the door Carter mumbled; “Just think about it… For your son’s sake… I don’t know how much longer he’s got.”

 

Rafael sat alone on the lounge, a bottle of scotch in his hand, as he waited patiently for Olivia to return home. As he neared the end of once full bottle the voice said, _It’s your fault you know._

“I know,” he sighed.

_Can you ever forgive yourself If anything happens it’s on you!_

Trying to drown out his thoughts he closed his eyes and finished the bottle. As he slowly pulled the bottle from his lips he heard a small voice.

“Daddy?”

His eyes snapped open as he looked around the room; “Noah?” After a moment his eyes rested on a small boy standing in the doorway, “Noah, is that really you?”

“Why’d you let go of me?” he sighed, “Why’d you leave me?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Rafael sniffled.

“You said you’d protect me,” Noah mumbled.

Rafael felt a tear roll down his cheek as he stared at the boy; “I-I I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Noah turned away from Rafael and disappeared down the hallway; in an attempt to be with his son, Rafael stood up quickly and stumbled after him. As Rafael rushed down the hallway he tripped over his feet and fell face first onto the floor; as he laid flat, hurt and confused, he heard Noah’s faint laughter. Looking around he caught a glimpse of the boy disappearing into the door in front of him. Slowly, he got to his feet and took a deep breath as he hesitantly reached for the handle; working up the courage he opened the door. It had been closed since Noah disappeared keeping his room untouched; the bed still unmade, toys scattered along the floor. Rafael took a shuddering breath as he started for Noah’s bed; tripping over a toy he fell to his knees just short of the bed, landing with a loud thud. “I-I-I,” he sobbed, crawling forward; tears now streaming down his face, “I miss you.” As he burrowed his face into the bed he could smell Noah and just for a brief moment; Rafael felt at ease as memories of Noah came flooding back. But soon it was all too much for him; he pulled Noah’s blanket off his bed, wrapping it around himself, as he leaned against the nearest wall and cried.

 

Half an hour later Rafael heard the front door shut followed by a few quick steps towards him; when they went silent Rafael looked up. He tried to collect himself as he turned his attention to the doorway; through tears, he saw Olivia standing quietly in the doorway. The room was silent except for Rafael’s soft whimpers as he tried to catch his breath; after a moment Olivia sighed and walked away.

 _She blames you!_ _She doesn’t want you here!-_

 _“_ Stop.”

He took a deep shuddering breath as he slowly stood up. “Li-ivia,” he hiccupped. With no response in return he staggered towards the door; just before he left he saw Charlie sitting on a chest of drawers. He reached for the stuffed dog before continuing out the door; as he stumbled down the hallway he brought the dog to his face; the smell reminding him of Noah. When he made it to his bedroom he muttered, “Liv?”

She remained quiet as he entered the room behind her; she stood at the foot of their shared bed, staring at the wall; refusing to look at him. When she felt a soft hand on her back she frowned; “You’re drunk, aren’t you?”

“Y-you th-think I’m…” he slurred, “Yes.”

“At a time like this, do you think it’s wise to be drunk off your ass?” she huffed.

Rafael’s eyes widened as he tried to focus; “H-he was h-h-here,” he stuttered.  
She closed her eyes as she took a deep breath; a short moment later she turned to him and calmly said, “Have you taken your pills?”

He stood silently as he swayed; “I c-c-can’t-“

“Without them you could have a psychotic break,” Olivia frowned.

“F-find them,” he finished. “I c-can’t f-find them.”

“I’ll look for them,” she sighed as she left for the ensuite.

 

Rafael sat quietly on the bed, playing with Charlie’s soft ears, as he thought about Noah. A tear escaped him and rolled down his cheek as he drew a shuddering deep breath. As time passed Rafael stood up from the bed and made his way towards the ensuite; as he pushed the door quietly open he saw Olivia standing in front of the mirror holding a orange container. “W-wh-ere?”

Olivia took a deep breath, “They were exactly where they always are.”

“N-no,” he frowned, “I l-ooked there.”

“Did you?” she questioned, turning to him.

“I did,” he grumbled, “The-y weren’t h-ere.”

“You’re drunk,” she sighed, “You wouldn’t have found them-“

“N-no,” he shook his head, “I l-looked be-fore I st-t-tarted dr-inking.”

Olivia paused as she looked at the pill bottle, “I don’t know what to tell you… They’re here now.”

“I didn’t m-make th-this up,” Rafael muttered, “Th-they weren’t here.”

Looking to him she sighed, “Why don’t you give me the toy and take these?”

“N-n-no,” Rafael frowned as he tightened his grip on the dog.

“Just give me the dog,” Olivia frowned. “You have to take these.”

“I-I’m not g-giving you Ch-Ch-Charlie,” he growled.

“It’s a toy!” Olivia shouted, “It’s not Noah!”

Rafael paused as he looked down at the stuffed toy in his hand, “He’s s-supposed t-to sc-are the b-b-bad guy a-way.”

“You know what!” Olivia growled as she slammed the pills on the edge of the sink, “Take them or don’t, I’m not fighting you on this anymore.”

Rafael fiddled with the toy in his hands as Olivia started for the door; just as she passed him he whispered, “I-I wanted t-to fight for him. I w-wanted to pr-protect him.”

“Stop, I don’t want hear it…” Olivia sighed.

“Liv,” he muttered, “I’m sc-cared. Wh-what if I t-take those and I n-never see Noah again?”

“We’re going to find him,” she said placing a tender hand on his shoulder. “But to do that, I’m going to need you to be here… with me.” Rafael remained silent as he took a few hesitant steps towards the sink; when he looked back to Olivia she sniffled, “I need you Rafael.”

He drew a deep breath as he sat on the edge of the bathtub, “I’m here,” he sighed, reaching for his pills.

Olivia watched as he struggled to open the bottle; after a few attempts he got the lid off and took one tablet, “Fin’s forcing me to take a day off tomorrow,” she sighed.

“You’ve b-been looking for N-Noah everyday,” Rafael sighed, “Y-you need some rest.”

“I need him to come home,” she whispered. Rafael quickly stood up and closed the gap between them; as he wrapped his arms around her she sniffled, “I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“I-I’m sorry,” Rafael mumbled into her shoulder.

Olivia’s phone buzzed, breaking the silence between the two; quickly letting go of Rafael she took hold of her phone. “Benson,” she answered.

After a few seconds Rafael looked at her worried, “Who?” he mouthed.

She put up a hand to him as she turned, “Hold on.” She glanced over her shoulder as she muttered, “I’ll be back, I can’t hear them.”

Rafael nodded as he watched her leave, _Hope its good news,_ he thought as he looked back down at Charlie. When he heard the bedroom door close he slowly made his way out of the ensuite and sat on the edge of the bed. He sat blankly as he stared at the stuffed toy in his hands. Ten minutes later Olivia entered the room again, “Noah? Anything?” he rushed.

Olivia shook her head, “Wrong number.”

“Oh,” he sighed.

“Come on, let’s get you something to eat,” she sighed as she held out her hand.

Rafael took it as he stood up, “Okay.”

 

Mid afternoon the next day, Rafael was sitting on the lounge with Olivia wrapped up in his arms, her head buried into his chest, “We’ll find him,” he reassured, “He’s our son, he knows we’re coming for him.”

“I just want him back,” Olivia sniffled into his chest.

“I do too,” he sighed.

“We should be out there looking for him,” she mumbled; moving her head to the side, “Not here waiting.”

Unsure of what to say, Rafael tightened his arms around her, pulling her closer; as they sat in silence, Olivia closed her eyes and listened to Rafael’s heartbeat. As she started to drift off the phone began to ring; Rafael jumped at the sudden noise, “Liv I can’t reach my phone,” he mumbled.

Olivia quickly sat up and watched as Rafael took his phone off the coffee table; “Who is it? Is it about Noah?”

“I don’t know yet,” Rafael mumbled. He drew a shuddering breath as he answered the call, “Barba.”

“Hey, we got an anonymous tip-” the voice rushed.

Rafael turned to Olivia and mouthed; “It’s Fin.”

“-We’re about to go check it out, I know I shouldn’t be making the offer but it’s you two… Did you want to join us?” Fin asked.

“Tell me where and we’ll be there,” Rafael rushed. “We’re sick of waiting around.”

“I don’t know what we’re gonna to find,” Fin mumbled, “It could be nothing.”

Rafael stood up from the lounge quickly; grabbing his wallet off the table, “I don’t care,” he croaked, “We’re already leaving.”

“Okay,” Fin sighed, “Here’s the address-“

As he listened to the address Rafael felt the room begin to spin; he quickly took hold of the edge of the lounge before his legs gave way, “A-a-are you sure?” he stammered.

“Yes.”

Olivia watched as he hung up the phone and stared at her; his face was pale, his breathing shallow, “Rafael?” she asked. She slowly stood up and made her way towards him, “What is it? Where are we going?”

He felt her place a hand on his back; as she ran her fingers along his spine he stuttered, “T-they got a tip and Fin asked if we wanted to join.”

“Of course we’re going,” Olivia mumbled as she started for the front door.

Rafael didn’t move; “Olivia,” he called out. “The address…”

“Come on Rafael, we’ve got to go,” she rushed, “We can talk about the address when we get to the car.”

Fighting his tears he whispered, “It’s m-m-my m-mothers place.”

Olivia paused as she looked back at Rafael; her heart sinking, “Oh Rafi,” she sighed. He slowly stood up right and made his way towards her; “I know this is going to be hard but we have to go.”

Rafael sighed, “I know.”

Olivia took hold of his hand as they left the apartment; not another word was said between the two as they made their way to Lucia’s old apartment.

 

As they arrived they saw police lights flashing and patrolmen standing outside; jumping out of the car Rafael got a horrible feeling in his stomach. “Liv,” he whispered out of breath.

She didn’t listen; instead she pushed forward and entered the building, Rafael followed closely behind. When they reached Lucia’s apartment Olivia quickly glanced over her shoulder to Rafael before continuing; a patrolman standing at the door moved in front of her; “Get out of my way,” she huffed.

“I can’t let you go in there,” he mumbled.

“I’m a Lieutenant,” she growled as she pulled out her badge.

Hearing the commotion another patrolman joined, “Ma’am sorry but only authorised personnel.”

“ _Authorised personnel_ ,” Olivia frowned. “Are you kidding me!”

As Olivia tried to push passed the men, Rafael joined, “Let us through.” Rafael watched as Olivia managed to work her way passed and disappeared inside; “Olivia,” he called out. She didn’t turn back for him; “Let me through,” Rafael growled as he pushed the men aside.

One patrolman took hold of his arm as he entered the apartment, “You don’t belong here.”

“Let go of me,” Rafael huffed as he yanked his arm free of the man’s hand. He continued into the apartment; his mind racing as he looked around, it was empty, unlived and neglected. Seeing his mother’s, once loved, apartment like this was filling him with unease as he walked down the hallway. “Olivia?” he mumbled. As he reached his mother’s old bedroom he saw Olivia crying in Fin’s arms; his heart began to pound against his chest as he turned to the slightly ajar door.

“I wouldn’t-“ Fin began.

Rafael ignored Fin as he pushed the door open slowly, his body already feeling numb; the room’s light was on making it hard to miss everything. Rafael took a few staggered steps inside as he brought his hand to his mouth, his eyes darting around the room; there was a blood-soaked mattress in the middle of the room, blood spatters running along the walls and onto the roof. No matter where Rafael looked there was blood; as he stared at the mattress his body buckled under his weight and he fell to his knees. The loud thud echoing in the silent room; _He was all alone,_ he thought as tears rolled down his cheeks, _It’s your fault!_ Rafael let out an agonising scream, spit dribbling down his chin, as he cried.

Olivia rushed inside the room and knelt down next to him; she wrapped her arms around him as she cried against his shoulder, “It m-may not b-be his,” she faltered.

“I’m s-s-sorry,” Rafael whispered.

A few minutes later Fin cautiously entered the room, “I’m sorry but we need to get in here.”

Olivia took a deep breath as she nodded, “C-come on Rafael, we have to leave.”

Rafael wiped his eyes as Olivia helped him stand, “Wh-who did this?” he stuttered.

“That’s what we’re going to find out,” Fin sighed. “Let’s go talk out there.”

Olivia and Rafael followed Fin’s lead as they walked through the apartment; they stopped in, what used to be, the kitchen; “Do we have any leads?” Olivia asked, “What about that tip?”

Fin nodded, “The Tech’s have it now; the voice was disguised but they’re doing everything they can.”

Rafael watched as a few cops entered the apartment and made their way down the hallway, “How hopeful are we that it’s going to work?” he mumbled.

“Who ever made the call knew what they were doing,” Fin sighed, “We’re still going to try.”

“What happens now?” Rafael sighed as he turned to Fin.

Fin drew a deep breath as his eyes darted between them, “First we find out if that’s Noah’s blood.”

“There’s no body,” Rafael rushed, “He could still be out there-“

“Hon,” Olivia sighed, “That’s a lot of blood and someone Noah’s size would never make it with that much blood loss. There’s a reason why we’re here,” she faltered, “Who ever it was choose this place for a reason.”

“That’s why we’re looking into who owns the apartment now,” Fin interrupted, “Any idea who that could be?”

“N-no,” Rafael sighed.

“Okay, well there’s not much you two can do here,” Fin sighed, “Why don’t I get Carisi or Rollins to drive you home?”

“You invited us here,” Rafael frowned.

“That was before we found what we did,” he mumbled.

Olivia placed a hand on Rafael’s shoulder, “I just want to go home.”

Taking a deep breath Rafael sighed, “Okay. Home it is.”

 

The car ride back home was silent except for a few sniffles and whimpers shared between the two. As they reached the comfort of their home, Rafael opened the door for Olivia, who staggered her way into the apartment. Hearing the door close behind her she felt a flood of tears escape her eyes as she leaned against the nearest wall. Rafael quickly made his way over; tears of his own threatening in his eyes, “L-Liv, come on,” he stuttered.

She felt his hand touch her, “Don’t touch me,” she growled.

“Olivia,” he sighed.

She got off the wall and stood before him, glaring at him, “My son is gone!” she yelled.

A few tears escaped Rafael as he sniffled, “I miss him too.”

Olivia watched him through her tears; when he came closer she shoved him away, hard, “My boy,” she cried, “Who could do something like this?”

Rafael stumbled backwards, “I-I don’t know,” he sobbed, “I-I… I don’t know.”

“Wh-who?” Olivia sobbed; bring her hands to her face.

Rafael tried to wrap his arms around her again; she kept hitting his chest but this time he was prepared. “Shh,” he soothed as he tightly held her until she stopped hitting him. After a moment she took a shuddering breath as she leaned into him, crying; Rafael felt her legs give way underneath them and they both slowly collapse onto the floor.

“My Noah,” she whimpered.

Rafael pulled her close as he leaned against the wall; feeling her arms wrap around him, he placed his head on top of hers. Tears now streaming down his face, “I-I w-want my boy back,” he cried.

They both spent the rest of the day wrapped in each others embrace, crying, as they mourned the death of their son. As the day turned to night, they were both too emotionally drained to speak to one another; instead they moved to bed without a word and held each other tightly; a soft whimper here and there as tears continued to fall, until they fell asleep.

 

A few days later Olivia was lying in bed, watching Rafael sleep, when the phone rang; she quickly answered, “Benson,” she whispered.

“It’s Carisi, do you have a moment?” he asked.

Olivia sighed as she looked over at Rafael; “Give me a sec,” she mumbled. She slowly got out of bed and quietly made her way out of the room; as she closed the door behind herself she said, “Okay. Now I can talk.”

“We got the results back,” he sighed.

“Tell me,” Olivia mumbled, “Is it Noah’s?”

There was a long pause before Carisi quickly answered, “Yes.”

“Oh god,” Olivia shuddered. She took a deep breath as she made her way to the lounge room, “O-okay,” she muttered.

“Liv I think you should take a step back from this one,” Carisi suggested, “I know this is hard-“

“I’m not going anywhere until the bastard is caught,” she sniffed; sitting on the lounge. As a tear rolled down her cheek she mumbled, “Any luck on the apartment?”

“We just finished tracking down the paperwork,” he sighed, “It’s not good.”

“Who owns it?”

“Liv-“

“Just tell me who owns it,” she frowned.

Carisi hesitated, “Barba.”

“Lucia?” Olivia questioned, “That’s a mistake-“

“No,” Carisi sighed, “Rafael.”

“What? That can’t be right,” she rushed, “He told me he sold it.”

“We’ve double checked this,” Carisi mumbled, “Its Rafael’s name on the lease.”

Olivia remained quiet as her mind raced; after a minute of dead silence she rushed, “Thanks for calling. I’ll talk to you later,” and ended the call.

She stood up from the lounge and quickly made her way towards the bedroom; when she entered she stood at the foot of the bed, watching the rise and fall of Rafael’s chest as he slept. She felt angry, _How can he sleep at a time like this!_ She took hold of a pillow and tossed it at him, “You said you sold it!” she yelled.

Rafael woke up quickly after being hit in the face with the pillow; “Wh-what’s going on?” he growled.

“You told me you sold the apartment,” she huffed.

“My mothers?” he questioned, “Of course I did.”

“No you didn’t,” Olivia snarled, “What the hell? Why would you lie to me about that?”

“What!” Rafael huffed as he sat up. He placed his feet on the ground as he looked at her, “I didn’t lie Olivia, I sold the god damn place.”

“You’re name is still on the paperwork,” she frowned. “I knew you were hesitant but to not sell it at all!”

“I was hesitant to sell, yes,” Rafael sighed, “Only because it was the last thing I had of my mothers. It was filled with memories of her. But I did sell it, please believe me.”

“It’s under your name,” she sighed.

“Someone must have made a mistake somewhere,” he mumbled as he stood up. He cautiously made his way towards Olivia as he added, “It’s not what it looks like, I promise you that I sold the apartment. I had nothing to do with what happened.”

Olivia took a deep breath; “I’m sorry. I just…”

“I know, it’s hard for me too Olivia,” he sighed, “I can’t stop seeing that room and thinking how scared he must have been, all alone.” He pulled Olivia close to him; “I should never have let go of Noah’s hand.”

Olivia placed her head on his shoulder, looking away from him, and stared out to the wall; “It’s not your fault,” she said absentmindedly.

After a shared moment, Rafael found himself breaking the silence, “I think we need to see Carter again.”

“Why?” Olivia questioned as she pulled out of the hug.

“He knows something,” Rafael mumbled, “I know he does… You’ve got to believe me.”

“I think he’s hiding something,” Olivia nodded.

“I think this time we both go together,” he paused, “He needs to see us united on this.”

“Okay,” Olivia mumbled, “I’ll make a call and we can see him today.”

 

Olivia and Rafael sat quietly in the visitation room, leaning away from each other; Rafael stared blankly at the wall across from him while Olivia tapped her fingers rapidly on the table as they waited. A few long minutes later Carter turned the corner; a crooked smile evident on his face as he walked closer.

“Well what do I owe the pleasure of having both of you here?” he smirked.

Rafael snapped his gaze to the man as he spoke, “You’re not going to get away with this.”

“With what?” Carter questioned, “I didn’t do- I couldn’t do anything. I’m locked up… Remember?”

“I know you had a hand in this and the second I can prove it I’m gonna-“

“You’re gonna what?” Carter interrupted Rafael. “You’re a retired ADA now, not much you can do except sit on the side lines.” Rafael remained quiet as he glared at Carter, “I’m sure the both of you are now sidelined… am I right?”

Olivia slowly lifted her gaze to Carter; cautiously avoiding Rafael, “You said you’d help me,” she whispered.

“Oh Dearie,” Carter smiled; his eyes flickered between the two, “Never trust a man who’s got nothing to lose.”

“He is- He was my son,” Olivia mumbled.

“You won’t get away with what you’ve done to our son,” Rafael huffed.

“I’m sure whoever is responsible won’t get away,” Carter nodded, “But that just simply wasn’t me. I think it’s pretty tacky to kill a young boy of what? 6? 7?”

Olivia felt her eyes water as she sat there; she flicked her eyes to Rafael quickly before placing her gaze back onto Carter, a tear rolled down her check, “You told me you’d look after him.”

Confused Rafael slowly turned his head to her and saw the tears; he tried to place a hand on top of hers but she recoiled under his touch. He drew a deep breath as he watched Olivia pull her hand away from him; “Liv?”

Her eyes shifted slowly to the table as she mumbled; “You promised me he was safe.”

“What did you do to him?” Rafael barked at Carter.

“I wasn’t talking to him,” Olivia said.

Turning back to her he found her staring at him, her eyes red as she fought tears; he watched as her eyes shifted between Carter and himself, “Olivia I didn’t… It was an accident.”

“That cost my son his life,” she sniffled. As she glanced over to Carter one last time she saw the smile on his face; taking a deep breath she mumbled, “We can talk about this later.”

Rafael nodded as he quickly stood up from the table and made his way to the door, without another word. Carter looked over his shoulder and watched as Rafael paced impatiently; “Now that was harsh,” he smirked.

“Shut up,” Olivia sighed as she stood up.

“Do you believe me?” Carter asked.

“I don’t trust a word you say,” Olivia frowned.

“You’ll see,” Carter nodded.

Rafael watched Olivia as he paced; _Does she really believe this is my fault?_ He frowned; _I wouldn’t blame her- Shut up._ He stopped in his tracks when he saw Olivia leaning close to Carter, whispering; _She trusts him more than us. A murderer over her husband-_ he started pacing again; running his hands roughly through his hair; _Maybe we’re not far off being called a murderer. The boy is dead because of you-_

 _“_ NO, no he isn’t _.”_

A voice inside his mind laughed; _Keep telling yourself that but even she knows it’s true._

Olivia quietly joined him before signalling for the guard to open the door. They left the prison in silence until they reached the car; unable to keep his calm any longer Rafael growled, “How could you?”

“What?” she huffed.

“You know I had nothing to do with what happened to Noah,” he snarled, “But worst of all how could you say that in there… _In front of him.”_

“I told it how it was,” she shrugged, “If you had of been there for him when he needed you this would never have happened.”

“It’s not my fault,” he muttered.

“Just get in the car,” Olivia frowned.

“Do you honestly think that it’s my fault?” he asked.

“I don’t know what to think,” she growled, “My son is dead and right now that’s all that matters.”

“Our son,” he sighed, “I don’t think you’ve once said our son. I’m mourning his death too.”

“Just get in the car,” she sighed.

Rafael let out a low growl as he opened the car door and got in. The car ride home was tense; they didn’t say a word to each other. When they got home they both separated; Olivia went to the living room while Rafael made his way into their bedroom.

 

Rafael was lying in bed later that night, alone with his thoughts, when Olivia entered; he watched her closely. It had been hours since they last spoke to each other; unable to break his stubborn silence, he just stared at her. She hesitantly got into bed next to him; feeling the cold distance between them, Rafael sighed as he pushed the blanket down and got out of bed. Without a word, he picked up his pillow and started for the door; he hesitated as he looked over his shoulder. Olivia gave him a quick glance before turning on her side to go to sleep; he rolled his eyes and left for the lounge.

 

Rafael stood at a familiar door; unable to place it, he looked around but there was nothing but darkness surrounding him. Taking a deep breath he began to knock; on the third knock, the door creaked open a just enough to shine light coming through the other side. Pushing the door open completely, a bright light blinded Rafael for a few seconds before everything went into a dull glow. “H-Hello? Anyone here?” he stuttered. With no response he entered the apartment; a feeling of dread began to fill him as he realised where he was. “Mamá, you home?”

 _She’s dead… Remember?_ _You got her killed._

“Anyone?” he whispered as he walked further. When he reached the living room his head darted down the hallway leading towards the bedrooms. He frowned as he stared at the end of the hallway; something was down there… Someone was standing in the dark. “Show yourself!” he growled. Taking one step forward a little boy appeared in a dim light, “Noah?”

“Daddy, please find me,” Noah sniffled. “I’m scared.”

“Stay there,” Rafael begged as he started into a jog down the hallway. As he ran the hallway seemed to last forever; unable to gain any distance Rafael panted, “Noah, I’m coming!”

“Help me!” Noah yelled, “I need you!”

As he finally reached the end of the hallway, the boy disappeared. “No, no, no,” he fretted, “Noah, where are you?” Running his hand through his hair he turned to the bedroom; taking a shuddering breath he reluctantly pushed the door open. There were a few flashes of white and red as he entered; when the flashes stopped he looked around the room, there was blood seeping from the ceiling and walls. His heart pounding against his chest as he watched it all ran towards the middle of the room.

“You let me die,” Noah cried.

“No,” Rafael sobbed, “No, I’m sorry.”

“You killed me!”

“N-N-Noah,” he stuttered as the boy appeared in front of him again. This time he was covered in blood.

“You said you’d come for me,” Noah yelled, “You said you loved me!”

Staggering forward Rafael sniffled, “I-I-I’m sorry.”

“You killed me,” Noah repeated over and over again.

Rafael fell to his knees just in front of Noah; “No,” he whispered, “It was an accident. I love you.” Rafael tried to reach for the boy but Noah started to walk away; “Noah please don’t go.”

Fading into the darkness Noah whispered, “I thought you’d find me but you let me down. You let me die.”

Rafael woke up quickly; “NOAH!” he shouted as he sat up. He gripped the side of the lounge tightly as he tried to catch his breath. Heart still racing, Rafael looked around the room; hoping to find Noah safe and sound but instead he saw Olivia sitting in the armchair across from him. Rafael brought his hands to his face; wiping away sweat and tears, as he muttered, “Did I wake you?”

“I heard you moaning,” she nodded, “I made you some tea.”

Rafael turned his gaze to the coffee table and saw the mug, “You didn’t… you didn’t wake me,” he said confused.

“I tried,” she sighed.

He watched the steam rise from the mug as his heart rate lowered; drawing a deep breath he said, “Thank you.”

“It was a bad one, wasn’t it?” she asked as she stood up.

Turning to her he nodded, “Y-yeah. It was Noah-”

“I don’t want to hear it right now,” she interrupted. “I can’t.”

Rafael watched her as she started for the doorway; “I, uh, don’t suppose…” he shook his head, “Never mind.”

“Good night Rafael,” she sighed as she left.

 

After a few failed attempts to sleep Rafael stood up, picking up his pillow, and left the living room; he quietly made his way down the hallway. His bedroom door creaked as he pushed it open, “Liv?” he whispered. He took a deep breath as he entered the room; when he reached his side of the bed he slowly pulled back the covers and got in. When he got comfortable he felt Olivia’s arm wrap around his waist; turning to face her he sighed, “I’m sorry, I just can’t be out there alone.”

“Shh,” she soothed, “I know.”

Rafael pulled her closer; feeling safe in her embrace, he closed his eyes and managed to drift back to sleep. 

 

A few days later, Rafael quickly entered the apartment; as he closed the door behind himself he heard his own voice singing. Confused, he walked further into the apartment, following the sound; when he turned into the living room he saw Olivia sitting on the lounge watching their wedding video. He stood silently in the doorway as he turned his attention the to video; he couldn’t help but smile as he saw Olivia, in her elegant wedding dress, dancing with him as he sang. As the song finished the video transitioned to dancing, the camera slowly zoomed past the crowed and onto Rafael and Olivia; they were slowly dancing, in each others embrace, the corner away from everyone. Rafael’s heart began to ache when he saw Noah on the edge of the screen dancing crazily. Lost in the video, he didn’t notice the tear rolling down his cheek. He was drawn away from the video when he heard Olivia’s muffled cry, “Liv?”

She didn’t turn to him; instead she took a shuddering breath as she wiped her eyes.

After a few minutes Rafael sighed, “You regret it, don’t you?... Marrying me.” When Olivia still didn’t turn to him he nodded as he slowly turned towards the hallway; “Yeah… That’s what I thought,” he muttered under his breath.

Just before he disappeared, he heard Olivia’s soft voice sniffle, “I don’t regret it.”

“I don’t believe that,” he sighed, “I’ve seen the way you look at me some mornings and that was before Noah was… um… gone.”

“Murdered,” she whispered, “He was murdered.”

Rafael took a shuddering breath as he stood in the doorway, “Now that he’s gone, you won’t even look at me.”

Olivia muted the TV; still not turning to him, she sighed, “I don’t regret marrying you. I love you, I really do but…”

“But what?” he paused, “But if you didn’t married me, Noah would still be alive?”

She turned to face him; “But I’m finding it difficult to look at you. When I do all I see is guilt and betrayal.”

Rafael clenched his jaw as his stomach dropped, “Oh.” _She blames us._ He shook his head as he quickly turned away from her and disappeared down the hallway, towards his bedroom.

A couple of minutes later Olivia followed him into the room; she saw Rafael sitting at the edge of the bed staring at himself in the full length mirror, “I’m sorry,” she sighed.

“I know you blame me but please Liv, I didn’t mean for this,” he mumbled.

“I know,” she nodded as she walked towards him, “I’m sorry I don’t mean to blame you but I can’t help but think that this could have gone differently.”

“We’re going to get the people who are responsible for this,” he sighed, “But I need you to stop taking it out on me.”

“Okay,” she said, kneeling down next to him. “I promise that I won’t blame you anymore. I know you did everything you could that day and you had nothing to do with what happened.”

Rafael removed his gaze from the mirror to Olivia, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she smiled as she leaned up and hugged him.

 

The next morning Rafael was emerging from his bedroom when he heard Olivia’s muffled voice down the hallway; he followed the voice towards the kitchen. As Rafael entered he saw Olivia placing her phone in her pocket; “Who was that?” he asked.

Olivia looked at him as she picked up her keys of the counter; “Fin,” she sighed, “He said the Techs are finally finished with the phone call.”

“And you’re going to the precinct?” Rafael questioned.

Olivia nodded, “I want to hear this fuckers voice.”

“I want to come,” Rafael said.

She paused, “I don’t think-“

“Let me go with you,” he rushed, “I want to help and I’m the only witness you’ve got. Maybe I’ll recognise the voice and it’ll trigger something.”

“I don’t have time to deal with one of your panic attacks,” Olivia sighed.

Hurt by her words, Rafael mumbled, “I won’t have one.”

“I still don’t-“

“Look, if I have one, leave me on the side of the street for all I care. Just don’t stop me from helping our son,” Rafael sighed, “I know I can help.”

“Fine but I’m leaving now,” Olivia nodded.

“I’m ready,” Rafael replied.

 

When they arrived at the precinct Olivia quickly got out of the car; she stood in front as she watched Rafael. He sat in the car for a moment, his chest tightening; he glanced to Olivia as he hesitantly got out of the car. His head began to spin as he slowly made his way towards her; he saw the way she cautiously watched him, “I’m fine,” he reassured.

“Come on,” she sighed as she held out her hand.

He took hold of her hand and they both started for the building together. Rafael remained quiet as he tried to fight his nerves; with each dreaded step he found it harder to breathe. _Don’t freak out… Not now_ , he thought as he pushed forward.

“Are you sure you’re okay to do this?” Olivia questioned as they stood in the elevator. “I can feel you trembling.”

Rafael felt a lump in his throat as he went to speak; unable to form any words, he just nodded quickly. As the doors opened, Rafael’s grip on Olivia’s hand tightened; he took a few quick shallow breaths as they started for the squad room.

“Why don’t you go wait in my office?” Olivia suggested.

Rafael felt Olivia’s grip loosen on his hand; as it slipped away he stood frozen, everyone blurred around him. All of a sudden he couldn’t breathe. Everything started to fade to black when he heard a muffled voice drawing him back.

“Rafael? Hon, can you hear me?” Olivia said.

After a few rapid blinks Rafael looked around the squad room, confused, “What… um… sorry, what were you saying?”

“Hon?” Olivia questioned.

“I’m fine,” he sighed, “I’ll just uh, wait in your office.”

“Okay,” she nodded.

Rafael started for her office when he saw Carisi in the corner of his eye; turning to face him he forced a smile. Before Carisi could say anything, Rafael disappeared into Olivia’s office. He sat in the chair in front of her desk; as he waited he looked around, _It’s been a while since I’ve been in here,_ he thought. His eyes landed on a photo just past her computer; it was Noah, smiling, as he held Charlie. Rafael brought a hand to his mouth as he stared at the photo, “I’m sorry,” he sniffled.

 

Not long after Olivia entered; “Okay, Fin emailed me a copy of the call so we can listen to it in here,” she said as she worked her way around her desk. Rafael watched silently as she sat in her chair, typing away at her computer; a short moment later she turned her gaze to him, “Are you ready?”

Rafael hesitantly nodded, “We need to hear his voice.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Olivia sighed as she hit play.

“ _I know where the missing boy is-_ “ the tape began.

Rafael’s heart dropped as the tape continued, _This can’t be_ , he thought.

Olivia sat shocked as she listened; unable to hear it all she paused the audio file and immediately turned to Rafael. He sat, mouth ajar, in front of her, “Rafael… That’s you.”

“N-n-no,” Rafael stuttered, “I didn’t make that call.”

_Or did we?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, sorry about the delay with this upload... I've had a lot of technical difficulties due to my computer shitting itself and I ended up losing most of this chapter in the transfer to my new laptop..

“It’s your voice Rafael,” Olivia frowned, “How do you explain that?”

“It’s got to be manipulated,” Rafael rushed.

_Does it? We could have made that call…_

“The Techs would have found it if it was,” Olivia growled.

His mind raced; “I was with you the whole time-“

“No, you weren’t,” she sighed, “You stepped out a few hours before we got the call from Fin.”

_Don’t you remember we did that?_

“No,” Rafael muttered.

“You can explain away the apartment as a clerical error,” Olivia frowned, “But that’s undeniably your voice.”

_We know what happened…_

“Shut up,” Rafael growled.

“Rafael, don’t talk to me like-“

“No,” Rafael frowned, “Not you… I wasn’t… talking to you.”

Rafael tried to look at Olivia but the room around him was spinning, everything disappearing into darkness; _We’re your friend… We will protect you… Let us help you._

“You need to start talking,” Olivia huffed, “How could you make a call like this? How’d you know where Noah was? Did you kill him?”

His heart was beating hard and fast against his chest; “N-no,” he whispered out of breath.

Olivia watched him carefully as he shifted in his seat; his eyes flickering from side to side, “Are you okay?”

Rafael shot up quickly; “We’re leaving.”

Olivia frowned, “No, I’m not going anywhere-“

“Not you,” Rafael growled.

Olivia looked at him, confused, as his body language changed; his eyes still flickering but he was more on edge, “Rafael?”

Rafael took a few deep breaths as he started for the door.

Olivia stood up quickly, “I can’t let you leave.” She made her way across the room; she placed a hand on his bicep but he recoiled away from her, “Rafael?”

His gaze snapped down at her hand before turning to her, “They’re out to get us,” he muttered. He rapidly flicked his gaze around her office and squad room; watching everyone.

Realising he was acting strange, Olivia spoke quietly, “Why don’t you come with me? I know where you can be safe.”

“Nowhere is safe,” Rafael muttered.

She carefully took hold of his hand and led him out of her office; she turned left down the hallway and opened the door to the interrogation room, “In here, it’s safe.” Rafael cautiously checked each corner of the room as he entered; when he turned back to the doorway Olivia sighed, “I’m sorry but I can’t let you leave.”

As she closed the door, Rafael rushed to the window, “You can’t do this!”

 

Ignoring him, Olivia took a few deep breaths as she walked away; she paused in front of her office when she saw Fin, “Did you know?” she called out.

Fin paused as he looked up from his desk; “Did I know?” he questioned as she walked towards him.

“That it was Rafael who called,” she sighed.

“I hadn’t had a chance to listen to it yet,” Fin mumbled, “If I had I would never have let you have it.”

“I don’t know how he could do this,” she said; running her hand through her hair. “I thought he loved us-“

“He does,” Fin reassured, “I think there’s something else going on here.”

Olivia shook her head, “How could he?”

“We don’t know what happened,” Fin sighed as she stood up from his desk. Fin quickly glanced around the squad room before adding, “Where is Barba?”

Olivia drew a deep breath as she said, “I put him in one of the interrogation rooms, he was acting strange.”

Fin nodded as he suggested, “Why don’t we get a cup of coffee?”

“No, we have to question him,” Olivia frowned.

“No,” Fin sighed as he walked around his desk. He placed a soft hand on her shoulder as he said, “You’re too invested in this case, I have to ask you to take a step back.”

“What?” she huffed, “That’s my son… and my husband.”

“That’s exactly why you can’t be in charge of this anymore,” he mumbled. “Come on, let’s go get a cup of coffee and go over everything that just happened in your office.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded, “But I can’t listen to that tape again.”

“I know,” Fin said as he started for the break room.

 

Ten minutes later they left the break room and started for interrogation one; “I can’t let you be in the room,” Fin sighed as he followed Olivia.

“I know but I want to watch,” she mumbled. As they turned the corner she sighed, “He’s in that one.”

Fin nodded as he walked past Olivia, towards the room; when he opened the door he frowned, “I thought you said he was in here.”

“He was,” Olivia said confused as she rushed towards the two-way mirror. She looked around the empty room, “He must have left.”

“You didn’t lock the door or put anyone here?” Fin questioned.

“No, he’s my husband, I didn’t think he’d leave,” Olivia growled, “I didn’t think he’d kill my son either.”

“We don’t know he did,” Fin sighed as he turned to her.

Olivia paused as she looked frantically around, “It doesn’t matter if he says he did or didn’t, the evidence points to him.”

“Liv, I know it’s hard and how it looks but we all know Rafael,” Fin muttered as he walked towards her. “You know him better than any of us, especially in the past year-“

“What’s your point?” she sighed.

“I think you need to keep an open mind,” he sighed, “I know it’s Noah we’re talking about but you’ve never been so quick to condemn someone before and this is your husband, he would never hurt either of you.”

“Fin, you don’t understand,” she muttered under her breath.

“Is there something else that you’re not telling me?”

Olivia froze as her heart dropped; she started to feel dizzy as her mind raced, “N-no, there’s nothing else. I just… I want my son.”

“I know,” Fin said quietly as he wrapped his arms around her. When he felt her take a shuddering breath against him, he whispered, “We’re going to get whoever took Noah away from you. I promise you that.”

“We’re going to get somebody,” she muttered under her breath. After a few minutes Olivia took a deep breath and broke the hug, “I think… I think I need to go home for a while. To take a break from all this… and find Rafael, I should see if he’s okay.”

“I’ll keep you in the loop,” Fin comforted. “If we find anything big or small, you’ll be the first know.”

“I appreciate that,” she said with a small smile.

 

When Olivia arrived home, she opened the door and immediately heard Rafael shouting, “Get out!” She cautiously continued into the apartment, hand on her holster; as she reached the bedroom door, she heard a loud crash, as he yelled, “No, you don’t get to say that, I want you gone!” Carefully she opened the door, she was surprised by what she saw; the room was destroyed. Books, pillows and photos scattered all over the floor, a broken lamp flickered as it leaned against the wall. As she took a few steps into the room she saw Rafael standing in front of the full-length mirror, “Shut up,” he growled, “Go away! I’m done listening to you. I don’t need you anymore!”

“Rafael?” Olivia said calmly.

He quickly turned to face her; he looked confused and scared, “Liv?”

“What’s going on?” she questioned as she looked around the room.

Rafael followed her gaze as he panted, “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to make a mess. I’ll clean it.”

As she turned back to him, she whispered, “I’m worried about you.”

“Don’t be,” he muttered, “I don’t need your pity.”

“Rafael,” she sighed, “What’s going on with you?”

“Nothing, I just, I don’t know…” he paused, “You promised me that you wouldn’t blame me anymore and that exactly what you’re doing.”

Olivia watched him as he took a few steps towards her; unconsciously she took a step backwards, “That was before the call.”

Rafael looked confused for a moment before nodding, “Right… The call.”

“Can we talk about that?” she asked.

Rafael rolled his eyes, “Might as well, at least one of us should understand what’s going on.”

Olivia drew a deep breath as she took a few steps towards him, “I want to ask why you left.”

“I don’t know,” he muttered.

“Why’d you leave the interrogation room?” Olivia pushed.

“I wasn’t in the interrogation room,” Rafael frowned, “I was in your office.”

Olivia paused for a moment as she looked at him carefully; when she saw the confused expression on his face, she asked, “What do you remember?”

“Listening to the tape, you accusing me of something I didn’t do,” he snarled, “Then… after that… being at home.”

Olivia closed her eyes as she sighed, “Have you taken your pills today?”

Rafael frowned, “How can I when you’ve taken them-“

Opening her eyes, she frowned, “What?”

“That’s why I couldn’t find them the other day, isn’t it? It’s why I can’t find them now,” he grumbled.

“Rafael this is ridiculous,” she sighed.

“Is it?” he huffed, “Can I trust you?”

“Can I trust you!” Olivia retorted. “That phone call makes it sound like I can’t.”

“I didn’t make it!” Rafael shouted.

“You don’t remember,” she whispered. As the tension between them grew, Olivia was the first to break the silence, “Go take your pills.”

“When you tell me where you’ve put them,” he mumbled.

Frowning, Olivia huffed, as she pointed behind her, “Go into that bathroom and look on the sink.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “Fine.”

He stormed past her and entered the ensuite; once inside the bathroom he paused, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. As he stood there, he heard the bedroom door close; when he finally opened his eyes again, they immediately fell onto an orange container sitting on the edge of the sink. “Oh crap,” he muttered under his breath as he walked closer. As he picked up the container, he sat on the edge of the bath; he stared at it for a moment before pouring a couple of pills into his shaking hands. He quickly placed them into his mouth and tossed his head back as he swallowed. He continued to sit there for a while as he thought; after a few minutes he realised he was hungry. He slowly stood up from the bath, placing the pills on the sink, and started for the door.

Rafael was walking down the hallway when he heard Olivia’s muffled voice travelling from the living room; curious he took a detour from the kitchen to the living room. He paused in the living room doorway when he saw Olivia pacing back and forth while on the phone.

“Mhmm,” she continued with her call; not seeing Rafael in the doorway, “I thought we-… Okay but you said he was-“ All of a sudden she stopped; Rafael took a few cautious steps into the room as he watched her closely. She slowly brought a hand to her mouth and sat on the lounge; she took a shuddering breath as she listened to the other end of the call. After a moment of silence she faltered, “Wait-… Mhmm… Okay, yep.“ She paused as she glanced over and saw Rafael standing off to the side of the room, “I’ve got to go,” she sighed, “I’ll be there soon.”

Rafael remained quiet for a moment as he watched her end the call; when she stood up, he asked, “Who was that?”

“Who?”

“On the phone,” he sighed, “Who was it?”

“Oh, right, um,” she said flustered, “Fin… It was Fin.”

“Fin?” Rafael questioned, “What did he want?”

“He found something and I’ve, um, I’ve got to go,” she mumbled as she started for the door.

“Do you want me to-“ he paused as she brushed past him and rushed down the hallway.

As she opened the door, she turned to him, “I’m sorry but this is important, I’ll see you later.”

When she closed the door with a loud thud Rafael sighed, “Okay… Bye.”

While Rafael stood in the doorway, he felt the silence start to engulf him; trying to take his mind off it he entered the living room and sat on the lounge. _Did you see the way she rushed out of here?_ he thought, _She wants nothing to do with me._ As he sat there, he felt his hands begin to tremble; looking down at his hands he began to be overwhelmed by guilt. _This is your fault,_ he thought. His breathing started to quicken as his thoughts jumped into overdrive; with the walls closing in around him he placed his head in his hands. Trying to calm himself down he counted out loud, “Breathe… One… T-two… Th-th-th-“ Unable to catch his breath he stood up quickly and rushed towards the front door but when he reached it he paused; his hand shaking just before the doorknob.

The voice inside him spoke; _It’s not safe out there… Especially now._

“Sh-hut up,” he whispered out of breath.

_Everyone’s against you-_

Ignoring the voice, he pushed through his fear and opened the door; before he could second guess himself, he left.

 

Half an hour later Rafael was walking through the dark wooden waiting room of his therapist’s office; without acknowledging anyone he rushed down the hallway and opened the door. “I-I I’m sorry I’m late,” he mumbled.

“Rafael?” Rachael questioned, looking up from her computer. “We don’t have a session today-“

“We don’t?” he frowned, “I knew that, didn’t I?”

“Why don’t you sit down,” she said gesturing to a chair. She watched Rafael carefully as he shuffled towards the chair; as he sat she asked, “What’s bothering you?”

“My son,” he sniffled.

“I heard,” she nodded, “I’m sorry for your-“

“Could I have done it?” he interrupted, “Have I shown any signs? Could this have been stopped?”

Confused, she replied, “You never showed any aggression towards your son-“

“But I have shown aggression?” He asked.

“Not necessarily... bitterness, yes,” she sighed. “Not towards Noah but your wife.”

“Could I have hurt him to get back at her?”

“No, I don’t think you’d do that to either of them,” she shrugged, “You’re bitter about the way you are and the way everyone treats you but you have never shown signs of wanting to hurt either of them.”

Rafael paused as he thought; after a moment he sighed, “What about when I black out? The voice in my head.”

“Do you feel like it could have?” Rachael asked.

Rafael shrugged, “I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I feel like I’m losing my mind,” Rafael muttered, “I’m probably only a week or so short of being arrested for something I don’t remember doing.”

“I think you need to have a little faith in yourself,” she reassured.

“I don’t know,” he sighed, “I don’t trust myself enough to give a definitive answer one way or the other. But Noah, he was the last person I thought I would hurt. Without him, I’m just falling apart, he kept me grounded. Whenever I was with him everything else disappeared, I mean sure I had my bad days but for the most part because of him, I wasn’t scared.”

“Your parental instincts overruled everything else that’s been going on in your head,” she smiled gently, “That’s a great sign to your recovery.”

“But he’s gone now,” Rafael muttered, “And the void between Olivia and I seems to be growing no matter how hard we fight to close it.”

“It’s hard for everyone at a time like this to remain close,” she sighed, “But give it time, Olivia is dealing with the same loss you are-“

“She blames me you know,” he sighed. “I can’t fault her for that… If I was in her position, I would do the same thing. But she’s gotta know that I didn’t do it… right?”

_How can she if We’re not sure?_

Rafael closed his eyes as he whispered, “I don’t even know if I didn’t do it.”

Rachael took a deep breath as she leaned back in her chair, “I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for but I can offer you the help to find them yourself.”

“Why did this have to happen?” Rafael sniffled, “My poor boy… I miss him so much.”

“I wish this never happened to you or to anyone, losing a child is truly horrible,” Rachael paused. When Rafael opened his eyes again, she added, “How’s Olivia dealing with it all?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, “We try not to talk about it, whenever we do it turns into a fight… And now… now it looks like I’m more responsible than I thought.”

“Hmm,” she frowned as she leaned forward. “Okay, I know you’ve expressed that you feel like there’s a void between you two and that she pity’s you but I want you to answer me something with complete honesty.”

Rafael took a deep, shuddering, breath, “Okay.”

“Do you think you can make it through this with her? Is there enough love?” Rachael asked.

Rafael hesitated as he thought, “I will always love her.”

“I know,” she nodded, “But that’s not what I asked.”

“I, um,” he sighed, “I want to believe we can make it but it’s hard when I’m constantly blamed for something I don’t remember doing… I can’t do it with these black outs I’m having, not to mention the voice itself…”

Rachael nodded a long with each word Rafael spoke; when he finished, she paused for a moment as she wrote something on her note pad. As she looked up, she sighed, “I think you both need to start communicating better so that you can make it through this together.”

“How can I when she’s ready to condemn me without hesitation?” he sighed.

“Just because you don’t see the hesitation doesn’t mean it’s not there,” she said. “She loves you but this is a tough time for everyone. You both need to remember that you’re not alone when it comes to dealing with this loss; instead of fighting, support each other.”

Rafael was just about to say something when there was a subtle knock on the door; as it slowly opened another woman peered her head in, “I’m sorry to bother you but your appointment is here.”

“Okay, thank you,” Rachael smiled. When the door closed again, she turned back to Rafael, “I’m sorry but that’s all the time I have right now. I want you to make an appointment before you leave.”

“Uh, I don’t know,” he mumbled as he stood up.

“Rafael, don’t fight me on this,” she frowned. “Next week, I want to see you here next, um,” she paused as she thumbed her calendar on the edge of her desk. “Thursday, I want to see you here this time next Thursday.”

Rafael ran his hand on the back of his neck while he said, “Okay, I’ll see you then.” He slowly made his way towards the door; just before he left, he turned back to Rachael and sighed, “Thank you for today, I know you’re busy and you really didn’t have to-“

“You’re one of my top priorities Rafael,” Rachael smiled, “I’ll always make time for you, I’m just sorry it wasn’t that much today.”

He smiled a little, “I guess I’ll be seeing you soon.”

Not wanting to go home to an empty house, Rafael absentmindedly took a small detour towards the park. He stopped at his usual coffee van before walking around in the beautiful park; the afternoon sun shone through all the trees, showing off the vibrant greens and yellows of the leaves. As he walked, he listened to the kids laughing as they played; mixed with a few dog barks here and there. When he mindlessly turned down a pathway he paused; trees lined each side of the path, he closed his eyes as his heart started to beat faster. The last conversation Rafael had with Noah began to play on repeat in his head; hearing Noah’s small voice made Rafael’s eyes water. Overcome with a mixture of emotions, Rafael quickly turned on his heels and walked back the way he came until he came across a bench. He sat on the bench, trying to push his thoughts away, as he watched the world around him move quickly past. As he sat there sipping at his coffee, he lost track of time.

  
A few hours later Rafael finally had made his way home; when he entered, he heard something muffled playing from the TV. Figuring Olivia was home he casually made his down the hallway until he reached the living room doorway. Looking into the room, he saw Olivia curled up in a blanket, on one end of the lounge, watching her show. Rafael cleared his throat as he entered the room.

Olivia snapped her gaze to him, “Oh, you’re home."

“I want to apologise for earlier,” he sighed, “I didn’t mean to accuse you of hiding my medication, I was just stressed with everything that’s going on.”

“I know,” she smiled gently, “It’s okay. I’m sorry too.”

“You don’t have to be, I understand,” he mumbled as he reached the edge of the lounge. “Mind if I?” Olivia nodded as she moved her feet a little; as Rafael sat down, he sighed, “I didn’t make up the kidnapping. I swear that was real.”

Olivia drew a deep breath as she said, “I believe you but you’ve got to understand how this looks.”

“I know, it’s bad,” he muttered.

Olivia sat up straight as she mumbled, “Rafael, if they find anything else-”

“Don’t count me out,” Rafael interrupted, “I didn’t do this.”

“Do you think or do you know?” Olivia questioned.

Rafael paused, “I don’t remember doing it. I remember being jumped and waking up in the park.”

Olivia sighed, “Right now, that’s just not good enough. You’re going to need something more substantial than that if you’re going fight against the evidence that says otherwise.”

“I know,” he grumbled, “But please, don’t give up on me, I need you Olivia.”

Olivia sat quietly for a moment as she glanced around the room; her eyes fell onto the window as she whispered, “Hon, I need to say someth-“

“You’re the only one I can trust,” Rafael rushed, “I feel like everyone else is against me and I don’t know why.”

Turning back to him she sighed, “Raf-“

“Just promise me you’ll keep looking,” he interrupted. “Look into the bank account that’s connected with my mother’s apartment and take the original recording of the call to someone who doesn’t work for the NYPD-“

“Our Techs are reliable,” Olivia sighed.

“Carter can get to anyone,” he mumbled, “It’s hard to know who’s in his pocket these days.”

Olivia paused as she turned her gaze away from Rafael; taking a deep breath she stared at the TV. After a few moments she whispered, without turning to him, “I’ll see what I can do.” They fell into a silence as they both watched the TV; after a while Olivia broke the silence, “Fin’s going to want to talk to you.”

“Hmm?” Rafael mumbled as he turned to her.

Olivia slowly tore her gaze away from the TV, “Fin called me this afternoon saying he wants to ask you a few things.”

“Called?” Rafael questioned, “I thought you were going to him when you rushed out of here.”

Olivia paused as she stared at him, “I did… He called me when I was heading home again.”

“When does Fin want me to come in?” Rafael sighed, “I’m assuming this is more of an interrogation than a friendly conversation.”

She drew a deep breath, “Hon…”

“I understand, I’m the suspect,” he muttered.

“I’ve told Fin everything you’ve told me… which isn’t much,” Olivia sighed. “I think you should give him a quick call but if he asks you to come in… I want you to-” she paused. She turned away from him as she muttered, “I want you to consider calling a lawyer.”

“I don’t need-“

“Rafael, this isn’t some joke,” she frowned, “You’re in a lot of trouble here.”

“I didn’t do it,” he mumbled under his breath.

Olivia nodded, “Maybe not but consider a lawyer, you’ve been on the side lines for year.”

“Doesn’t mean I’ve lost my touch,” he sighed.

Olivia gave a small smile as she said, “Oh I believe that.”

Rafael smirked a little; “Glad to know you don’t doubt my ability as a lawyer.”

“Never have,” Olivia replied.

“Only my sanity then,” Rafael muttered. He let out a small grunt as he slowly stood up from the lounge, “Guess I’ll call Fin and hope for the best.”

“Just consider what I’ve said,” she sighed.

Rafael nodded as he gradually walked towards the door; pausing in the doorway, he turned back to her and asked, “I don’t suppose you’d want to spend some time with me tonight? I understand if you don’t, after this morning I certainly wouldn’t blame you.”

“I’d love to,” she smiled, “I’ll pick a movie while you talk to Fin.”

He looked at her confused for a moment; “Are you okay?” he questioned.

“Yeah, why?”

“I don’t know, something’s…” he sighed, “Never mind, it’s probably just me.”

 “I’ll be here when you get back,” Olivia said quietly.

Turning on his heels, Rafael left the living room and started towards the bedroom; as he walked, he rummaged through his pockets for his phone. By the time he pulled out his phone, he had entered the bedroom; he sighed as he walked across the floor to sit on the edge of the bed. While he sat there, he stared at his phone, dreading the phone call; “Come on _,”_ he mumbled, “Get it over and done with so you can be with your wife.”

_Before she changes her mind._

Rafael rolled his eyes as he opened his contacts and dialled Fin; while he listened to the phone ring, his stomach began to twist and turn. He felt his breathing slowly become more difficult as each ring passed; feeling like he was on the verge of a panic attack he was just about to hang up when he heard Fin answer, “Tutuola.”

“Uh, Fin,” Rafael mumbled, “I, um, I heard you wanted to talk to me.”

“Yeah,” Fin sighed, “I was going to talk to you at the precinct but you disappeared before I had the chance.”

“Sorry about that, I’m not entirely sure what happened there,” Rafael admitted.

“I have a few questioned that I’d rather do here in the precinct,” Fin said calmly.

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” Rafael sighed.

“Barba-“

“No, if you have questions ask me now but I’m not coming into the precinct unless I’m under arrest,” Rafael said.

“Uh,” Fin said confused, “Okay, well I just wanted to ask about the phone call… How do you explain your voice?”

“I can’t,” he paused as he drew a deep breath, “But believe me, I didn’t do this.”

“Barba, you know how this sounds,” Fin mumbled, “If you were the prosecutor, would you believe your story?”

“Not at all,” Rafael whispered, “But I’m asking you to help me. I didn’t hurt my son… I don’t remember hurting him.”

There was a long pause before Fin asked, “You’ve been having trouble with your memory?”

“On a few occasions,” Rafael answered.

“Black outs? Loss of time?” Fin questioned, “How’s your temper these days? I know you’ve been struggling this past year.”

Rafael paused as he listened to Fin; after a brief moment of silence he mumbled, “I think I’m done talking… If you want more, get a warrant or arrest me.”

“I’m just trying to understand what happened to Noah,” Fin sighed.

“You and me both,” Rafael grumbled, “If you have anything else, call Olivia.”

“Barba-“ Fin was cut off when Rafael ended the call.

Rafael tossed his phone on the bed as he continued to sit there for a moment; before long he placed his head in his hands as he let out a low groan. A few minutes had passed before he got to his feet and started towards the living room; once he reached it, he smiled a little when he saw Olivia waiting for him. He shuffled towards the lounge; he saw Olivia watching him, waiting for him to say something but instead he sat down quietly.

Noticing something was off, Olivia broke the silence first, “So?”

“Yeah,” Rafael nodded, “That didn’t go so well.”

“Oh no,” she sighed, “What happened?”

Rafael leaned back in the lounge as he asked, “You never told Fin about my mental issues, did you?”

“You mean the voices in your head?” Olivia questioned.

“Any of it, the black outs, the memory loss-“ Rafael paused suddenly.

_The temper… The fear…_

“No,” she answered, “I didn’t tell him.”

He nodded slowly as he sighed, “Well he knows now…”

Olivia moved across the lounge and wrapped her arms around Rafael’s midsection as she snuggled into his side; placing the blanket over them both, “We’ll take it one step at time.”

Rafael placed one arm around her, pulling her closer, as he mumbled, “I’ve told him I’m not going to the precinct unless I’m under arrest… I sure hope it doesn’t come to that Liv.”

Olivia remained quiet as she listened to his heart beat; they sat in each other’s embrace as the feeling of mutual love comforted them both. Seeking refuge in each other, they didn’t notice ten minutes had passed until Olivia cleared her throat, “Why don’t we watch that movie now?”

“Yeah, okay,” he nodded.

 

A week later Olivia was walking through the door, early evening, when she noticed their home was unusually quiet; she quickly closed the door behind her and cautiously made her way further into the apartment. After a few quick steps she paused in the doorway of the living room; she saw Rafael sitting on the edge of the lounge, head in his hands. She drew a deep breath as she disappeared down the hallway and into their bedroom.

Lost in his own thoughts Rafael continued to sit on the edge of the lounge; pulling at his hair as his mind turned against him once again. Trying to calm down he muttered, “Just breathe.”

_This is ridiculous, no wonder Olivia leaves us at home all the time-_

“Shut up,” he growled.

_You know she hates-_

“Stop,” he huffed; pulling his hair harder.

“Rafael?” Olivia whispered.

Catching his attention, he tilted his head to the side to find her standing next to him; “I didn’t hear you come home,” he sighed. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Not long,” she smiled.

“You’re… smiling?” he questioned. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she replied.

“Oh,” he muttered under his breath. He rolled his head back into his hands as he took a deep breath, “Are you home for the rest of the night?”

“I am,” she nodded. Olivia watched him as he started to curl his fingers into his hair, “Hon, you need to relax.”

“How can I?” Rafael snarled, “You’re hardly home anymore… I can’t even get out that door most days and to top it all off, any day now you’re going to get a call that could confirm something that I don’t want to face. Hell, I don’t even remember any of it and I’m really trying.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” she sighed. She waited for him to look at her but when he didn’t, she added, “Hon, can you look at me, please?”

Hesitantly Rafael lifted his head, “Mmm.”

“I know you’ve been stressed lately and a lot of that is my fault,” she paused as she knelt down in front of him. “Let me make it up to you.”

“Liv, you don’t have to,” he mumbled, “I don’t blame you for-“

Olivia held out her hand, “Come with me.”

He paused as he stared at her hand for a second before taking it, “Where are we going? I can’t make it out the front door, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

As they both stood up Olivia smiled, “Just follow me.”

Rafael let Olivia lead him down the hallway; when they reached the door of their bedroom he sighed, “Liv-”

“Shh,” she interrupted as she continued into the room.

Rafael felt her hand slip out of his as she walked towards the ensuite; curious, he followed her as she disappeared. He paused in the doorway as he looked around the candle lit room which showcased the bath Olivia had drawn for him. At a loss for words, he took a few steps into the room when the smell of lavender filled his nose; “Liv you really didn’t have to do this,” he whispered.

“Stop saying that and get in,” Olivia frowned.

Rafael let out a small laugh as he asked, “Will you be joining me?”

“Maybe later,” she shrugged.

“Okay,” he sighed.

“Why don’t you get in while I go get something,” Olivia suggested.

Rafael nodded as Olivia passed him on her way out of the room; after a few moments he started to unbutton his shirt. As it fell loosely on his sides, he sighed at the sight of his chest; hesitantly he turned his head towards the mirror only to find Olivia had covered it with a towel. _Is this to prevent me from looking at myself or to stop me from talking to you?_ he thought. With no response, Rafael closed his eyes as he greeted the silence with open arms. After a moment to himself, he quickly finished getting undressed and made his way towards the bath.

A few minutes later Olivia entered the ensuite again; she smiled a little when she saw Rafael leaning back in the bath with his eyes closed. Quietly, she walked towards him; when she reached the bath, she sat on the edge before leaning forward and kissing Rafael gently on the forehead. She heard him take a deep breath as she leaned back, “How are you feeling?” she asked.

Opening his eyes, he smiled, “I really needed this, thank you.” He sat there quietly for a moment as he lovingly looked at her; after a couple of minutes he broke the silence, “So, what did you leave for?”

Olivia smiled as she lifted her hand revealing the bottle of red wine, “Thought this would be a nice addition.”

“Only if you join me,” Rafael smirked.

Olivia let out a small laugh as she brought her other hand up showing two glasses, “I thought you might say that.” She placed the glasses on the edge of the bath as she stood up; “Do you mind pouring them?”

“Sure,” he nodded as he lifted his hands out of the water and took the bottle from her. He opened the bottle and began to pour the wine as Olivia got undressed; when he moved to the second glass, he couldn’t help but look up and watch her. While he was distracted, he moved his hand slightly and spilt some wine, “Shit,” he muttered as he looked back down. The white tiled bath wall had red wine dripping down the side; the image made his heart start to race.

Seeing Rafael’s face go pale Olivia smiled gently, “Hon, it’s okay, don’t think about it. Don’t go there.”

“I-I,” he stuttered, “I’m sorry.”

“Maybe next time you’ll watch what you’re doing,” she laughed as she picked up a towel and quickly wiped down the side of the bath.

“You’ve got to stop being so distracting,” he smiled a little.

Olivia laughed a little as she tossed the towel aside and started to get in; Rafael moved his legs to the sides of the tub, allowing Olivia to sit across from him.

Rafael felt the water level rise on his chest as he watched Olivia; when she was comfortable, he took hold of both glasses of wine and handed one to her. “So, what’s this really for?” he asked.

Olivia laughed a little, “What makes you think I have an agenda?”

“You’ve always got an agenda, I just can’t figure out what this one is” he smiled. “There’s something different about you these past few days,” he said into his glass, “You seem a little happier, don’t think I didn’t notice.”

Olivia watched as he drank from his glass; “I just thought we both could spend the night enjoying each other’s company,” she replied.

“Mhmm,” he smirked, “Well whatever your reason, I’m glad we’re doing it. It’s been awhile since we’ve done anything like this”

Olivia smiled as she took a sip of her wine; after a moment she placed her free hand on his knee, “Do you remember the first time we shared a bath?”

“I do,” he laughed, “As I remember it, you used it to get me to talk about something.”

“Gotta admit it worked,” she smiled. She paused as she took another sip of her wine, “What I remember from that night was the way you sang to me and held me in your arms.”

“Oh?” he smirked. “I do that a lot-“

“Not as often as you used to,” she sighed.

“Yeah, I know,” he nodded as he took a sip of his wine. As he pulled the glass away from his lips he asked, “What makes that time so memorable?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged; a smile evident on her face. “I think that was the first moment I thought we could really be a family.”

Rafael smiled for a second before it disappeared, “Can I ask if you still feel like that now?”

“I really want to,” she gently said, “It’s hard without Noah but I think one day we can be the family we once were.”

With a slight frown, Rafael sighed, “I understand.” The room fell into silence as Rafael glanced around, avoiding eye contact.

“Hon,” Olivia whispered into her glass as she finished off her glass. When he didn’t turn to her, she said, “I don’t want you to think about that right now. Tonight… all of this, I want you to focus on that and nothing else.”

Rafael felt the water move up and down his chest when Olivia moved to grab the bottle of wine. Hearing her pour herself a glass, he took his hand out of the water and rubbed the back of his neck as he mumbled, “Okay… So has Fin said-“

“No Rafael,” she said sternly, placing the bottle back on the edge of the tub. “I told you, I want you to focus on us… in this moment. Nothing more.” She watched as Rafael stared off to a nearby candle; feeling him drift away, she ran her hand halfway up his thigh, “Can you please look at me? Tell me what you’re thinking.”

He slowly shifted his gaze back to Olivia; taking a small detour along her body, making her smile, until his eyes rested onto hers. He sat quietly for a moment just admiring her beauty before a soft smile appeared on his face.

“Rafael?” Olivia whispered, “Are you with me?”

“I’m sorry,” he said as his smile grew wider. “I know I’ve been having trouble keeping a straight thought lately but I can always count on you to manage to leave me speechless.” Olivia sat quietly as she smiled at him; “I honestly can’t believe you’re still sitting across from me.”

Olivia took a quick sip from her glass before breaking her silence, “I want you to know, no matter what happens, I’ll always love you.”

“I know,” he smirked, “I’m irresistible.”

She laughed as she splashed him with some water, “There’s that ego of yours.”

Rafael chuckled into his glass; “You know,” he paused as he took a sip, “That’s why I had to quit my job.”

Olivia raised her eyebrow, “Because your ego got in the way?”

“Because I’m too irresistible,” he said with a cheeky grin. “You’d never get any work done.”

“Ohhh,” she laughed, “Is that right?”

“Yep,” he smirked, “You barely left my office-“

“That’s not how I remember it,” Olivia smiled as she took a sip of her wine.

“It’s how I’m choosing to remember it,” he replied.

They sat in silence, smiling, for a while as they enjoyed each other’s company; Olivia occasionally rubbed her hand along his thigh as they drank. Once Olivia finished her drink, she placed her glass on the edge of the bathtub before moving carefully towards Rafael, trying not to splash water over the side. She glided her fingers gently up his leg as she leaned forward, “I love you,” she smiled. She continued to run her hands up his body; as she ran her fingers across his scarred chest, she leaned in and kissed him tenderly on the lips.

When the kiss broke, he looked at her in awe, “I love you,” he whispered.

She smiled as she raised her hand up to the side of his face; she gently ran her thumb down his cheek, tracing the deep scar, “Why don’t we take this into the other room?”

“Liv?” he questioned.

“Shh,” she tenderly said.

Rafael felt Olivia glide her hand from his chest down his body; “L-Liv,” he said shuddered when she reached his length. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back as he felt her begin to stroke him; his heartbeat started to quicken as he muttered, under his breath, “G-god.”

She smiled when she saw him leaning against the edge of the tub, eyes closed; she gently moved her hand away from his face and rested it on his chest as she leaned forward. Olivia started to pepper his neck with soft kisses, working her way towards his collarbone; when she felt him get hard in her hand she whispered against his skin, “Come join me.”

Rafael let out a breathless moan when he felt her nip at his skin; shortly after she removed herself from him, feeling the lack of contact he quickly opened his eyes to find Olivia getting out of the bath. “Where you going?” he sighed.

Olivia just smiled as she dried herself off; she felt Rafael’s eyes glued to her as she made her way towards the door. She blew out each candle as she passed them; when she reached the doorway, she paused. Olivia looked over her shoulder; to no surprise, Rafael’s eyes were fixated on her, “Whenever you’re ready… come join me,” she winked; dropping the towel on the floor and disappearing into the next room.

Rafael sat stunned, mouth ajar, for a brief moment before jumping out of the bath; he quickly looked around the dark room for his towel. Once he found it, he quickly dried himself off and hurried into the bedroom to find Olivia getting into bed. He made his way around to his side of the bed and slid under the covers before turning to Olivia, “Are you sure?” he asked.

Olivia just smiled back as she moved towards him, placing her hand tenderly on the side of his face. When she felt Rafael place one arm around her waist, pulling her closer, she kissed him. As their tongues danced with each other, Rafael moved his hands to her hips and pulled her on top of him; she let out a small laugh against his lips as she threw her leg over his body. When the kiss continued, Rafael gently ran his fingers up her body until his hand was resting, tenderly, on her breast. His touch sent shivers down her body, “Rafa-“ she said breathlessly against his lips.

Olivia broke the kiss and sat up; she watched him as she moved her hand down him until she held his length in her hand. She stroked him a few times, making him close his eyes as he moaned. When she felt him grow harder in her hand, she sat up for a moment before guiding him into her; they both moaned together as she lowered herself.

“F-u-“ Rafael stuttered. After a few seconds he slowly started to thrust into her; his breathing quickened with each rhythmic thrust. He tenderly caressed her breast while he placed the other on the side of her hips, feeling her move with him. Olivia placed both of her hands on his chest as she started to grind against him, pushing him deeper.

As Rafael squeezed her breasts, Olivia let out a loud moan, “G-god!”

Feeling things beginning to quicken, Rafael sat up and began to kiss Olivia’s chest, gently nipping at her skin occasionally. Olivia moved her arms and wrapped them around Rafael’s neck; one hand playing with the back of his hair. Rafael moved his lips along her collarbone and up her neck until he was nipping at her jawline, drawing out a breathless groan from Olivia. After a few deep thrusts, Rafael carefully twisted his body, putting Olivia on the bed underneath him. Once he was lying on top of her, he began to kiss her lips; their tongues dancing together once again.

“F-ast-er,” Olivia whispered against his lips.

Her voice sending goosebumps through his body as he quickened his pace, thrusting harder and faster, making him moan into her mouth. Feeling his own pleasure overcome him, he glided one of his hands softly down her smooth skin towards her centre. He rubbed her clit as he thrusted into her; he felt her walls begin to tense around him.

Her body juddered as the feeling of ecstasy started to overwhelm her, “Oh fuck!” she screamed as her eyes rolled back. She placed her hands on his hips, pulling him closer with each thrust, her fingers digging into him.

Breaking their kiss, Rafael panted, “I’m… I’m…”

Unable to form any words, Olivia quickened her pace as he bucked harder; a few seconds later her body trembled as she came, “Rafa!” she moaned.

Rafael moved his hand away from her clit and placed it alongside his other, on her breasts; he closed his eyes as he felt his own release overcome him. “F-Fuck,” he moaned as he came inside her. He continued with a few slow, deep thrusts, which drew out a few extra moans from both of them as they came down from their highs.

After a moment to catch their breaths, Olivia felt leave her, “I love you,” she smiled.

Rafael rolled off her and onto his back; his chest rising and falling quickly with each breath, “I love you so much,” he whispered.

After a few deep breaths, Rafael rolled onto his side, facing Olivia, to find she was already looking at him with her big brown eyes. He lifted his hand and brushed some hair out of her face before leaning in and giving her a quick tender kiss. When the kiss broke, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close to him; she nestled her head into his chest as they both drifted off to sleep.

 

The next morning, Rafael rolled over in his bed and reached out to find Olivia’s side of the bed empty. Opening his eyes, he sighed as he slowly sat up and looked around the room. When Olivia emerged from the ensuite, dressed for the day, he mumbled, “So that’s it then?”

“What?” she frowned.

“You’re leaving me again,” he muttered. “Did you even mean anything you said last night?”

“I can’t do this,” she sighed.

“Whatever,” he growled as he folded his arms against his chest.

Olivia took a few steps towards the door, “I can’t stay home, it’s just too hard.”

“Where do you go?” he asked.

Olivia shook her head, “Anywhere… Just not here.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “I figured that out myself.”

“You have to understand that it’s hard for me to be here,” she sighed.

“Tell me something,” he huffed, “Is it because Noah’s not here or because I am?”

Olivia paused as she stared at him; after a few long seconds she said, “I can’t do this right now. I’ve got to go.”

“Yeah, right,” Rafael muttered. “I’ll see you later, if you decide to come home.”

“Hon,” she whispered. When he turned his head away from her, she drew a deep breath before going down the hallway towards the front door.

When Rafael heard the front door close, he rolled back into his bed and tried to sleep for a little while longer.

 

A few hours later, Rafael sat quietly in his therapist’s office; he looked around the room while he waited, a few photos hung on the wall next to a certificate. A few minutes past when Rachael entered, “I’m so sorry to keep you waiting.”

“It’s okay,” he mumbled as he watched her close the door and walk towards her desk.

While she sat down, she asked, “How has this past week been for you?”

Rafael scoffed, “How do you think?” He paused as he drew a deep breath, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be snappy.”

“I understand,” Rachael nodded. “How are things at home?”

“Horrible,” he mumbled. “Just when I think we’re getting close again something happens.”

“Like what?”

“Olivia doesn’t come home most days,” he sighed, “I thought things were finally turning around last night but then this morning…”

“What happened?” Rachael asked.

“We fought,” Rafael said, drawing a deep breath. “She still blames me, I can see it in the way she looks at me.”

“I’m sure she’s doing her best to-“

“It’s her fault I’m here,” Rafael mumbled.

“Your wife only wants the best for you so she pushes you towards therapy,” she reassured.

“No,” he frowned, “It’s her fault I’m like this. If she didn’t let him get to me, I wouldn’t be like this.”

“Before you go blaming her,” Rachael sighed, “Didn’t you throw the first punch?”

Rafael paused, “Yes… But she knew I wasn’t in a state to go out. She knew I wanted him dead. She could have been the one to arrest me but she let him… THIS,” he growled as he pointed to the scars on his face, “This is her fault and there’s many more. I’m riddled with scars.”

Rachael took a deep breath, “Rafael-“

“She’s blaming me,” he scoffed, “But I think she forgets that it’s her fault I’m losing my mind.”

“You know that’s not true,” she sighed. “I know it’s hard right now but try to remain positive.”

“How can I?” he mumbled, “I’m running out of time and I still don’t remember what happened.”

“I think you do,” Rachael reassured.

“My account of events isn’t lining up with the evidence,” he sighed, “If I was still doing my job, I would never believe someone with a story like mine.”

“You need to trust yourself,” Rachael comforted, “You know what you’re capable of.”

“Not anymore,” he muttered under his breath as he stood up.

“Rafael?” she questioned.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now,” he said, running a hand along the back of his neck. “I’ll call to set up another one but I have to go home. I don’t feel safe or stable enough to be out.”

“I really think you should stay-“

“No, I’m sorry,” he sighed. “I’ll call to make an appointment in a few days.”

Rachael watched as he made his way towards the door, “Is there nothing I can say to get you to stay for another…” she paused as she checked her watch, “Half an hour?”

_We need to leave… For all We know, she’s one of them-_

“No, I’ve got to go,” he mumbled as he opened the door and left.

 

When Olivia came home late that night, she found Rafael sitting in the lounge room, waiting for her. As she approached him, he mumbled, “I think we need to take another look at Carter-“

“You need to stop blaming Carter,” Olivia sighed, “The more I think about it the less it looks like he had anything to do with it. How could he? He’s locked up.”

“Liv, he had something to do with it,” Rafael mumbled as he stood up, “He knows too much. He said-”

“He’s trying to get in your head,” she frowned, “That’s all he’s doing. He’s got nothing to do with it.”

“Liv-“

“You need to stop blaming him for all of your problems,” Olivia growled, “Take responsibility.”

Rafael stood quietly for a moment, shocked, “I didn’t do this,” he whispered.

“It’s time to accept that you’re not getting out of this,” she paused, “I need you to tell me what happened, at least tell me where his body is.”

Rafael looked at her; his eyes rapidly jittering back and forth, “We don’t know where he is.”

“We?” Olivia questioned, “What do you mean we?” Rafael remained silent as his eyes continued to flicker; after a short moment Olivia watched as Rafael blinked a few times before looking around the room, confused, “Rafael?”

“What?” he frowned.

“What do you mean we?”

“Huh?” he muttered, “We what?”

“You said we,” she sighed.

“No, I didn’t,” Rafael grumbled, “What are you on about?”

Olivia paused as she waited for Rafael’s eyes to settle on her; he looked dazed, “Do you remember what we were just talking about?”

“Of course, I do,” he huffed.

Calmly she asked, “Then what was it?”

Rafael rolled his eyes, “This is ridiculous, I’m not a child.”

“Just humour me,” she sighed, “What was the last thing I said?”

“You were saying I need to take responsibility because you believe I’m guilty,” he growled.

Olivia closed her eyes as she brought her hand to her mouth; slowly opening her eyes she whispered, “You’re still not taking your pills.”

“That has nothing to do with this,” he snarled, “You think I killed my son.”

“Have you seen the evidence against you?” she asked, “It’s getting harder to deny that you’re-”

“I’m being framed, why would I kill him?” Rafael huffed, “He’s my son. I love Noah.”

“Do you?” she questioned.

“More than I love you-“ he blurted out. Rafael paused; mouth ajar, “I didn’t mean… Look, Carter wants to tear us apart, please don’t let him.”

“It’s hard to break something that’s already broken,” she muttered under her breath.

“You don’t mean that, do you?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, “You’ve got to admit that it’s been hard lately and with Noah gone it’s even harder to pretend everything’s fine. I love you and I would have done anything for you but when it comes to my son…” she trailed off.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I know.”

She watched as he brushed past her, “Where are you going?” she asked when he reached the doorway.

“Bed,” he answered. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Rafael,” she sighed.

He paused as he turned to face her, “I needed you Olivia… You’ve let me down.”

“I’m trying to help you-“

“No, you’re defending the one person who doesn’t need you,” he sighed. “I’m your husband, you know I wouldn’t hurt our son.”

Before Olivia could say anything else, Rafael turned on his heels and walked down the hallway; slamming the bedroom door shut behind him.

 

A couple of days later, Rafael sat next to Olivia on the lounge when her phone started to ring, both jumped at the sudden noise. As she slowly reached for her phone, Olivia turned her gaze to Rafael to find him looking at her with his big green eyes; in the dull light from the corner lamp, she could have sworn he looked scared. After a deep breath she answered, “Benson.”

Rafael sat there helplessly as he watched Olivia, unable to hear the other side of the conversation; the longer she was on the phone, the more tense she got. Her eyes kept flicking over to Rafael as she nodded along. Rafael’s heart was pounding against his chest at the uncertainty of the call; his stomach dropped when he saw Olivia shuffle away from him.

“Mhmm,” Olivia sighed, “Are you sure- Okay… How long until-“

Rafael brought his hand up to his mouth when he felt his chest begin to tighten; it became harder to breathe with each passing second.

Olivia ran her fingers roughly through her hair as she said, “Okay, thank you… I’ll, um, I’ll talk to him.” When the call ended, Olivia dropped her phone onto the coffee table and placed her head in her hands; she sat quietly for a moment, feeling Rafael’s eyes on her, as she tried to come to terms with everything.

While Olivia remained silent, Rafael’s mind flicked into overdrive; everything around him faded as he continued to stare at her, heart pounding against his chest. With each breath harder than the last, Rafael felt as though he was about to pass out. After a few attempts, he finally croaked, “L-Liv?”

Olivia sighed as she slowly lifted her head, “That was Amanda.”

“Oh,” he whispered.

“It’s not good,” she sighed, “Hon-“

“N-no,” he mumbled, “No, I know it must look bad but please Liv, help me.”

“I can’t.”

“There’s got to be something,” Rafael rushed; his hands shaking.

“They’ve traced the bank account to an offshore account,” she mumbled as she turned to face him, “They can’t get anything more than that and your name is still on the paperwork. The banks and real-estate agents are adamant that there’s no mistake.”

“But-” Rafael said breathlessly; head spinning, “W-what about the call?”

Olivia paused, “They reached the same result.”

Rafael closed his eyes as he brought his hand to his mouth; muffled, he said, “Fuck.”

“They’re coming for you Rafa,” Olivia said placing a hand on his shoulder.

Rafael recoiled from her touch as he stood up suddenly; he began to pace in front of the lounge. “No, n-no, no, no,” he muttered; bringing his hand up to his mouth and bitting down his knuckle, hard.

“Please sit down,” Olivia said calmly.

He shook his head as he rushed out of the room, disappearing down the hallway. As Rafael staggered down the hallway, he used the wall to keep his balance as the world around him began to spin.

_We’re all alone now-_

“Sh-shut-“ Rafael whispered; turning into the bedroom.

_It’s only a matter of time until you realise what’s going on._

Rafael rushed through the bedroom, almost tripping over his feet a few times, until he stood in the middle of the ensuite. He stood quietly while he tried to catch his breath; blinking rapidly he growled, “I want you to leave me alone.”

_Why? We know what happened that day… Do you?_

He stared at himself in the mirror for a moment before frowning, “What are you talking about?”

_You doubt yourself but We know what happened._

“Why can’t I remember?” he asked. “If you know then I should.”

_You don’t want to remember… You’re afraid… Weak… We’re protecting you._

Rafael looked around the bathroom for a moment; seeing his pills on the sink he took hold of the bottle, “This is stupid, I’m talking to myself.”

_We don’t want those,_ the voice growled as he poured two pills into his hand, _You know we’re right… We’re in this together, you and I._

“Did I kill him?” he sighed as he turned his gaze to the mirror again.

_What do you think?_

Rafael’s heart dropped; “N-no,” he whispered. His world was crashing around him as he stood, frozen, in front of the mirror.

_They’re coming for us… Protect us._

He looked down, trying to ignore the voice, when he noticed his hands were trembling. He tried to pick up the pills when they slipped out of his fingers and fell to the floor; he paused as he watched them bounce on the floor before disappearing under the sink. Feeling helpless, he rushed out of the ensuite and made his way towards the home office. Once inside, he slammed the door shut behind him and ran over to the cupboard until he was face to face with the safe. He tried birthday after birthday in an attempt to unlock it; when it didn’t open, he paused, “What the hell did she change it to?” he mumbled. After a moment a thought crossed his mind, “She wouldn’t…” He frowned as he entered another set of numbers; when he heard the safe unlock, he sighed, “Well, that’s just cruel.”

_That’s Olivia for you…_

“Shut up,” he growled, reaching into the safe. Soon after he pulled out his gun; he felt the weight in his hands as he stared at it. He was drawn out of his own thoughts a few minutes later, when he heard a loud knock on the front door. His heart skipped a beat when he realised who it was. Taking a shuddering breath, he placed the gun in the back of his pants, pulling his shirt over, before walking towards the door. He peered his head out and saw Fin and Rollins turning into the living room.

_Game over._

“This isn’t a game, this is my life,” Rafael muttered

_What about the boy’s life?_

“I didn’t do it,” he huffed.

_No? Then why are We scared?_

Rafael shook his head as he pushed the voice away; after a brief moment, he started down the hallway towards the living room. When he reached the doorway, the whole room fell silence as they turned to face him. “So, how’s this going to work?” he asked as he walked across the room.

“We don’t want to be doing this,” Amanda sighed.

“If there was another way-“ Fin began.

Rafael stood in the middle of the lounge room, frozen, as everyone spoke, muffled, around him. Feeling the walls close in around him he started to hyperventilate; his heart beating hard against his chest. Amidst the darkness that had fallen around him he saw Olivia slowly walk towards him; “I can’t be the one who does it,” her voice sounding distant.

“I will,” Fins voice joined hers.

The sound of metal jingling drew Rafael back, “N-no,” he stuttered. After Blinking a few times everything was back in focus and he saw Fin walking towards him holding a pair of handcuffs; “I didn’t do this.”

“I’m sorry,” Fin sighed.

“No cuffs,” he rushed; his mind racing.

Olivia took a few cautious steps towards him; as she placed a hand on him, she felt him recoil, “Please just go with him... I can’t be the one that arrests you.”

Snapping his head to her he whispered, “The last time I was handcuffed I almost died. Please Liv, help me.”

Feeling her eyes begin to water she faltered, “I’m sorry.”

Feeling trapped, Rafael reached around his back and pulled out the gun, “I’m not going.”

“Barba,” Fin said, placing his hand on his holster.

Turning to Fin, Olivia rushed, “Wait! Let me talk him down.”

Rafael’s eyes flickered back and forth as he stood there; the gun shaking in his hand, “We’re not going.”

Olivia took a few cautious steps towards him, “Rafael, Hon?” she said calmly, “Please, look at me.” She waited until he shifted his gaze to her, his eyes still flickering, before she continued to close the gap, “Listen to my voice, come back to me.” Her eyes quickly shot down at the gun in his hand as he tightened his grip.

Everything around him disappeared as he mumbled, “I can’t do this. I don’t want to go.”

Olivia placed a gentle hand on his bicep, “Focus on me, I’ll be with you every step of the way-“

“No, you won’t,” he growled, “You think I’m guilty… YOU ALL DO!”

 She slowly glided her hand down his arm as she calmly said, “Please Rafi, I love you… Don’t make this harder than it already is.”

Rafael felt her hand move down him until it was on his gun; after a few rapid blinks his eyes began to water, “I’m sorry,” he sniffled, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do this… Any of it. Please forgive me.”

When he loosened his grip, Olivia quickly took the gun from him, “Can you ever forgive me?” she whispered as she took a step back.

When Olivia was clear, Fin rushed forward, taking hold of Rafael’s arms as he walked around his back. After a few short moments, Rafael was handcuffed; his heart pounding against his chest as tears started to roll down his cheeks. “You’re under arrest,” Fin sighed. “I wish this could have gone differently.”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael sobbed.


	4. Chapter 4

Hours later, Rafael sat alone on a cold metal bench in his cell; his leg jittering underneath him as he scanned the room. Every now and then he would make eye contact with passing officers; their dirty glares making him uncomfortable. His heart was racing inside his chest as he played with his thumbs; unable to control his nerves, he clenched his jaw.  His jaw began to ache as he drew a deep breath; trying to calm himself enough to form a coherent thought. After a few breaths, he spotted Olivia crossing the floor; he leapt forward in the cell until his fingers were wrapped around two cold metal bars. “Olivia?” he croaked; unable to find his voice.

_Would she even turn for Us or just keep walking?_

Rafael closed his eyes for a few seconds before clearing his throat and calling out, “Olivia!” To his surprise she stopped dead in her tracks and turned to him; she gave a sympathetic smile as she started towards him.

She stopped a few steps short of the cell; “How are you doing?” she questioned.

“How do you think?” he frowned.

“Yeah,” she sighed, “I don’t know what to do now.”

Rafael paused for a moment as he searched for a thought; “My therapist,” he blurted out.

“What?”

Taking a deep breath, Rafael tried that sentence again, “I need you to go talk to my therapist.”

“You’ve been seeing her again?” Olivia questioned.

He nodded quickly, “Yeah, for a while now.”

She looked at him confused and hurt, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to think Carter got to me again,” he mumbled, “I didn’t want to believe it myself.”

“I didn’t know-“

“Can you do that for me?” Rafael interrupted, “Talk to her for me, please. She’ll tell you that I couldn’t have done this.”

“I can’t,” she sighed.  

His eyes dropped to the ground as he let out a small sigh, “Oh.”

“I just mean,” she paused as she waited for his eyes to join hers again. “I just mean that there’s a doctor patient confidentiality. She won’t just talk to me.”

“I’ll wave it,” he rushed; his eyes widened as he was filled with a small amount of hope. “I don’t care, give me a piece of paper and a pen.” There was a brief silence between the two as Rafael watched her; when he saw her hesitation he sighed, “I’m not going to stab myself with the pen.”

Olivia drew a short breath as she mumbled, “Yeah, okay.” She quickly looked around and saw a blank page sitting on top of a file on a nearby desk. She took a few long strides to grab the paper and a pen off the desk before turning back to Rafael; she passed him the items through the bars.

“Thank you,” he muttered. He silently shuffled to the bench and sat down; leaning forward, he placed the paper on the flat surface and began to write.

Olivia watched him as he wrote; before long she found herself asking, “How’d you know what the combination to the safe was?”

“I guessed,” he mumbled; not looking up. When he signed the bottom of the page, he turned to her and sighed, “But did you really have to pick that date?”

“I thought you’d never be willing try that,” she sighed.

“I didn’t want to,” he frowned as he stood up. As he walked closer to her, he growled, “The date Carter attacked me isn’t something I like to think about.”

“I know,” Olivia nodded.

“Here,” he mumbled as he passed her the items again. “Um… I don’t know what she’ll tell you but whatever it is, I don’t think you’ll like it.”

“I thought this was supposed to help,” she sighed.

“I’m hoping it will,” he nodded, “But I just want you to talk to her before anyone else here.”

“Okay, I’ll head there now,” Olivia replied.

Rafael watched as Olivia began to turn; just before she took a step another thought occurred to him, “Liv.”

“Mhmm?”

“I won’t be arraigned until tomorrow,” he sighed, “Can you make sure I stay here the night?”

“I’ll see what I can do,” she nodded before walking away.

 

Olivia was walking towards the elevator when Amanda saw her from across the room; she quickly ran over to Olivia before she disappeared. “Liv,” she panted, “Wait.”

Olivia sighed as she stopped; turning to Amanda, she said, “Do you need something?”

“I just wanted to see how you were doing with all of this,” Amanda replied; stopping just before Olivia.

“Oh,” Olivia mumbled, “I’m doing, um, I don’t know to be honest. It’s hard seeing Rafael locked up like that.”

“Yeah,” Amanda sighed, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why he would do something like this to you.”

Olivia remained quiet as she looked down at the piece of paper in her hand; after a few long seconds, she sighed, “I just can’t believe it’s come to this. I didn’t see it coming, I should have.”

“It’s not your fault,” Amanda reassured. “How could anyone know he was capable of something like this?”

“I do,” she mumbled, looking back at Amanda, “It’s not Rafael.”

“We all thought that,” Amanda muttered. “Can I ask you something?”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell us he had a gun?”

“I didn’t think he could get to it,” Olivia replied. “I had locked it away before Noah disappeared. I kinda hoped he had forgotten about the damn thing.”

“Oh, why’d you lock it away?” Amanda asked.

Olivia paused, “No… I’m not helping you condemn him. I have to give him a fighting chance.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean-“

“I’ve got to go,” Olivia sighed. “I’ll see you later.”

 

Ten minutes later, Fin was walking out of the break room when he saw Carisi sitting at his desk, “Hey have you seen Liv?”

“She was just talking to Amanda,” Carisi nodded.

“Where is she now?” Fin asked.

“Uh, I don’t know. She rushed out of here pretty quickly,” Carisi shrugged. “I saw her talking to Rafael just before-”

“And you didn’t stop it?” Fin frowned.

“Of course not, they’re our friends,” Carisi defended. “Liv knows what she’s doing.”

“Just... keep an eye on them,” Fin sighed. He paused as he looked at his watch before adding, “This actually might be a good thing.”

“How?” Carisi frowned.

“With Liv not here, I can push Rafael harder,” Fin replied. “Go tell Amanda that I’m starting the interrogation now.”

“Olivia wanted to watch,” Carisi sighed.

“I’m not waiting,” Fin frowned.

“I can’t be a part of this,” Carisi mumbled, “Until he’s found guilty or confesses, I refuse to believe he’d hurt Noah like that.”

“I’m not asking you to be a part of the interrogation,” Fin sighed. “Just do your job and the truth will come out, even if it’s something we don’t like. Just remember we’re doing this for Liv,” Fin added, “She’s family.”

“So’s he,” Carisi muttered under his breath as he stood up.

“Just go,” Fin frowned, “I’ll grab Barba.”

 

The entire squad room seemed to stand still as Fin led Rafael towards the interrogation room; feeling everyone’s eyes on him, Rafael just stared at the ground as he walked. After what felt like a long walk, Fin opened the door and muttered; “Take a seat.”

Taking a shuddering breath Rafael took a few slow steps into the interrogation room; his eyes darting towards the two-way mirrors. Unsure of who was watching, he cautiously sat down at the metal table in the middle of the room. His hands began to sweat when he saw Fin and Amanda mumbling to each other in the doorway, giving him sideway glances here and there. Before long, Fin entered, closing the door behind himself; he didn’t say a word as he approached the table and sat down. The silence was unbearable; Rafael’s chest began to tighten as he mumbled, “I, um… How are we going to go about this?”

Fin shrugged as he relaxed into his chair, “Why don’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t do this,” Rafael sighed.

“No?” Fin said crossing his arms across his chest.

“We’re friends, you know I didn’t do this,” Rafael mumbled, “You’ve got to believe me.”

Fin shrugged, “Explain to me what happened.”

“I’ve told you everything, hell I’m sure Liv has told you everything I’ve said,” Rafael rushed, “I don’t know what you want from me.”

“The truth,” Fin sighed.

Rafael paused, mouth ajar; “I… I, um,” he stuttered.

“Look,” Fin said as he leaned forward; placing his arms on the table. “I’ll lay it out for you. No one wants to be doing this but we’re not going to rest until the person responsible for Noah’s death is prosecuted.”

“I understand that,” Rafael nodded, “I would expect nothing less for Olivia or Noah-”

“Even if it’s you,” Fin added.

Rafael clenched his jaw as the room fell into a tense silence; after a few long seconds Rafael sighed, “I didn’t hurt him.”

“Explain the apartment,” Fin shrugged, “Or the off-shore account, or the call… Why did you made that call?”

“I didn’t,” Rafael muttered.

“Was it because you didn’t think you’d get caught?” Fin frowned.

“I didn’t make the call,” Rafael adamantly said.

“Or was the guilt of what you did eating at you?”

Rafael took a few shallow breaths as he muttered, “I live with guilt because I lost him not because I killed him.”

Fin quietly sat back in his chair, watching Rafael for a moment, before carefully saying, “Why don’t we talk about the belt instead?”

Sweat began to roll down his back of his neck as Rafael frowned, “What?”

“I didn’t tell Liv everything,” Fin mumbled, “I couldn’t when I knew she’d tell you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You left behind your belt,” Fin frowned.

Rafael looked at him confused, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Custom made, Italian leather, very high quality… Just like the ones you used to wear to work,” Fin replied.

“Check my bank account, you won’t find anything-“

“Oh, we did,” Fin sighed, “We traced this purchase back to your off-shore account… The same one that’s been paying off that apartment.”

Rafael shook his head as he tried to think; when nothing came to him, he muttered, “I didn’t. It’s not mine.”

“You tried to hide it but we found it, covered in blood. Tell me…” Fin growled, “Why did you use the belt? Was it to put someone else through what was done to you?”

“No,” Rafael whispered.

“He was 7! What did he do to deserve this?”

“Nothing,” Rafael mumbled; his eyes beginning to sting as they watered.

“How could you ignore his screams of agony?” Fin pushed.

Rafael leaned forward, placing his head in his hands, as the walls around him started to close on him. Finding it harder to breath, he faltered, “Please, stop.”

“He must have begged you to stop,” Fin continued, “But his cries for help weren’t enough, you had to take his life.”

“No,” Rafael sniffled, running his fingers through his hair, “I… Please… Stop.”

“Tell me what happened,” Fin growled, “Tell me what you put that boy through-“

“I don’t remember!” Rafael cried. His head was spinning as a few tears escaped his eyes; as everything around him fell away, Rafael let himself disappear with it all.

Fin paused as he watched the man in front of him; his soft whimpers suddenly died down. After a few seconds Rafael lifted his head and stared blankly at Fin; “Barba?” he questioned.

“We’re done talking,” he snarled. “We know our rights so get out.”

“Barba, you’re in no position to be demanding anything,” Fin frowned.

“Fuck off,” Rafael barked.

Fin stood up from the table but paused as he stared at Rafael; he watched as Rafael sat up straight, fists closed. Just before Fin turned away, he noticed how Rafael’s eyes slightly flickered; “Just answer me one question, how could you do this to Olivia?” Rafael remained quiet, clenching his jaw, as he stared at Fin; soon after Fin let out a frustrated sigh and turned for the door.

 

Meanwhile across town, Olivia was waiting in a dark wooden waiting room; she tapped her thumbs quickly on her phone as she looked around. Growing impatient she stood up and walked towards the reception desk, “Excuse me but I need to see Ms Rachael Thatcher now.”

“Like I told you ten minutes ago,” she sighed, “She’s with a patient, she’ll be down soon enough.”

Olivia rolled her eyes as she turned away from the woman and went back to her seat. She watched the clock on the wall slowly tick; each second seemingly taking longer than the last.

Another five minutes passed before Rachael appeared in the waiting room with another woman, “I want to see you work on the things we discussed.” The woman nodded as she walked through the room, towards the door; there was a short moment before Olivia had made eye contact with Rachael. “Olivia? What can I do for you?”

“We need to talk,” she sighed as she stood up.

Rachael nodded, “Follow me.” It was a short walk down the hallway until they were inside the office down the end; as she closed the door, Rachael sighed, “So how can I help you? Is Rafael okay?”

“Didn’t you hear?” Olivia questioned.

“No,” she replied, confused.

“I guess it hasn’t hit the news yet,” Olivia sighed, “Rafael has been arrested.”

“Oh,” Rachael mumbled, “He was worried that would happen.”

“He was?”

Rachael nodded, “Clearly he had a right to be.”

“What else has he spoken about?” Olivia asked.

Rachael drew a deep breath, “You know I can’t talk about-“

“Hold on,” Olivia interrupted as she searched her pockets. She quickly pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to the woman standing in front of her, “Rafael waved all confidentiality agreements.”

Rachael remained quiet as she unfolded the paper and began to read; once she was done, she cleared her throat, “I see.” She slowly walked around Olivia and sat at her desk before she asked, “You’re not working Noah’s case, are you?”

“Not on any official capacity,” Olivia sighed as she sat in a chair, “Rafael asked me to talk to you first and I want to do everything I can to help, so here I am.”

“You want to help him?

“Of course,” Olivia frowned, “He’s my husband.”

“He’s not felt your support for months,” Rachael frowned, “Why do you want to help him now?”

“I…” Olivia paused, “Did he really say I haven’t been there for him?”

“It’s how he’s felt,” she sighed.

“What else has he said?”

“He might have waved his privacy but I won’t break his trust,” Rachael mumbled, “What are you really interested in? His views on your relationship, on your son or his mental state?”

“Whatever will help him,” Olivia frowned. “Show me your notes on him-“

“No,” Rachael growled, “Unless you have a warrant, I will not show you those.”

“Come on,” Olivia rolled her eyes, “I need to figure out how to help him. It’s only a matter of time until my squad shows up here.”

“Let them,” Rachael replied.

“Talk to me please,” Olivia sighed. “Just tell me if he could have done this.”

“I can’t say,” Rachael muttered, “He suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder. When he blacks out, he’s an entirely different person and I’ve only seen it on rare occasions.”

“What he like when that happens?” Olivia asked.

“He rushes out of here before I have the chance to talk about anything,” Rachael sighed. “I’m sure you’ve seen it more than I have.”

“I didn’t know that’s what it was,” Olivia sighed, “Has he shown any signs of aggression or hate?”

“Olivia,” she mumbled, “Don’t do this to yourself.”

“I just… I need to find something,” Olivia stressed, “Surely there’s something he’s said that points one way or the other.”

“Unfortunately, no,” Rachael sighed. “I want to help him but from my professional point of view I can’t.”

“What’s he like here?” Olivia asked.

“He’s a bitter and broken man,” Rachael replied. She watched as Olivia’s eyes dropped to the desk; “His mind is coming undone and it’s only gotten worse since Noah died.”

Olivia took a small shuddering breath as she listened. Without looking up, she asked, “What about when he’s not himself?”

“As I told you, I don’t know much about this other personality or the voice, as Rafael refers to it as,” Rachael mumbled. “But from what I do know, I’d say it’s unpredictable at best. So much so Rafael himself, is worried about what it could do.”

“That doesn’t look good,” Olivia sighed.

“No, it doesn’t,” Rachael agreed. “But personally, I don’t think Rafael could have done this. His son was the only thing keeping him grounded. In all my years, there’s not many clients that would destroy a life line like that.”

Olivia lifted her gaze to Rachael, “When my squad comes, can you just tell them that last bit, your personal opinion?”

“I’ll have to answer whatever they ask if they come with a warrant,” Rachael sighed.

“You were his last hope,” Olivia muttered, “How am I supposed to leave here and look him in the eyes as I tell him that you can’t help?”

“I wouldn’t,” Rachael sighed. “Who knows what the loss of hope will do to him now.”

“What am I supposed to do?” Olivia sniffled, “How am I supposed to fix this?”

“Do you think he’s guilty?” Rachael asked.

“Don’t analyze me,” Olivia frowned.

“It wasn’t a loaded question,” Rachael replied.

“I don’t...” Olivia stuttered, “I can’t…”

“Well whatever it is you feel, I think you should push it aside and be there for him. He’s going to need you more than ever,” Rachael said.

“That’s hard,” Olivia sighed, “But I’ll try for his sake.”

“Is there anything else I can do?” Rachael asked.

Olivia looked down at her watch, “No,” she sighed, “I should get back to the precinct before they interrogate him.” Olivia slowly stood up and started for the door; pausing, she turned back and said, “Do you think he has a chance at being the man he once was?”

“Maybe one day,” she nodded.

 

Almost an hour and a half later, Olivia stepped of the elevator into the squad room; her eyes drifted over to Rafael’s cell but her heart dropped when she noticed it was empty. As she continued across the floor, her eyes scanned the room searching for her friends but when she couldn’t find anyone, she took a detour past the break room. Olivia stood in the doorway, staring into the empty room as her mind drifted off. She stood there for a while until she felt a hand on her shoulder; jolted back into the present time, she turned around and sighed, “I was looking for you.”

“Sorry, I was in your office,” Fin sighed.

“Where’s Rafael?” Olivia asked.

Fin rubbed the back of his neck as he hesitantly said, “He’s in the interrogation room.”

“Oh, are you about to interrogate him?” Olivia questioned.

“Actually,” he sighed, “I already have.”

Olivia’s mouth dropped, “What?”

“I couldn’t wait for you,” Fin mumbled, “He didn’t give me much but I want to show you something.”

“How could you?” she frowned, “You knew I wanted to be there.”

“Just,” Fin sighed, “Follow me.”

Olivia took a deep breath as she followed Fin into her office; “What is it?” Olivia asked as she closed the door behind herself.

Fin had stopped in front of the two-way mirror, “Look at him,” he sighed.

Olivia cautiously walked up to the mirror and looked in; Rafael was pacing around the room as he spoke to himself. Occasionally he made hand gestures to himself as if he was in an argument. Olivia sighed as she stared at him, “How long has he been like this?”

“For an hour now,” Fin replied, “But he was acting strange in the interrogation.”

“Have you been listening to this?” Olivia mumbled.

“You know I can’t,” Fin sighed. “But what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in there.”

“Fin,” she sighed as she turned on her heels. She walked towards her desk as she added, “You shouldn’t have done this without me.”

“You left,” Fin shrugged as he turned to face her. Leaning against the wall, he asked, “Where’d you disappear to?”

“I went home for something and then I saw Rafael’s therapist,” Olivia sighed, “I had to do something to help.”

“Why are you helping him?” he asked. “I thought of all people, you’d be glad to see we finally caught him.”

“I…” Olivia paused as she leaned against her desk, “I feel guilty.”

“What for?” Fin frowned, “He hurt you and you’re the one feeling guilty?”

“It’s my family,” she sniffled; eyes watering, “It’s falling apart and all I can do is watch it happen.”

“Oh,” he sighed, “I didn’t think about that, I’m sorry.”

Olivia wiped her eyes as she forced a laugh, “I’m sorry, I’m a mess-“

“Liv, none of us thought that he’d do this,” Fin mumbled, “But I promise you that he won’t get away with hurting you. We’ve all got your back.”

“But who has his?” she whispered under her breath. “He’s hurt me badly with this but it hurts me more to watch him struggle through this alone.”

Fin quickly walked over to her and pulled her into a hug; “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“That helps,” Olivia sniffled as she laid her head on his shoulder, “Just asking. Knowing you’re there. It helps.” A moment later the hug was broken by a loud bang; Olivia quickly glanced over to the mirror to find Rafael standing there, his hand on the glass.

“You can’t leave Us in here!” Rafael shouted.

“He’s right,” Olivia sighed.

Fin watched as Rafael turned away from the glass and started pacing again; “When Carisi and Rollins get back, I’ll have him transferred-“

“Actually,” she hesitated, “Can we keep him here?”

“Liv-“

“Just, do this for me,” she sighed, “I know he’s safe here.”

“Okay,” Fin nodded, “I’ll make that happen if you promise me something.”

“What?”

“Go home,” he said. “Stop worrying about him. He doesn’t deserve you.”

Olivia ran her fingers through her hair as she stood up from her desk, “I’ll go home,” she mumbled, “I’ll see you at his arraignment.”

Fin watched as she walked past him but when she stopped in the doorway, he asked, “What did you forget?”

She reached into her pocket and pulled out an orange pill container; holding them to Fin, she sighed, “Can you give these to Rafael? He needs them.”

“Sure,” he nodded, “He really doesn’t deserve you.”

“Tell him…” she mumbled, “Don’t worry, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye Liv, call if you need anything.”

 

The next morning Rafael stood quietly behind a desk in the court room as he waited for the Judge to enter; his tie felt tight around his neck. When he saw Casey walk up to the podium next to him, his chest tightened making it harder to breath. “All rise,” the bailiff called out as the Judge entered.

The Judge quickly made his way across the floor and sat behind his desk; once comfortable he read the name of the file in front of him, “The people V Rafael Bar-“ he said surprised. He glanced up and looked at Rafael, “Mr Barba it says here you’re charged with Second-Degree murder,” the Judge sighed, “How do you plea?”

“Not guilty Your Honour,” Rafael answered.

“We ask for bail to be set at $500,000,” Casey muttered.

“For a retired ADA?” Rafael frowned, “I’ve got no previous criminal history Your Honour-“

“No?” Casey huffed, “Wasn’t it just over a year ago you were arrested for assault?”

“Arrested, not charged,” Rafael growled, “Your Honour, I’m not a flight risk, I’ll willingly hand over my passport, and my wife,” Rafael paused as he looked over his shoulder to find Olivia sitting on the opposite side. “My wife is a cop, she’ll make sure I’m here on my trial date.”

“You murdered your wife’s son,” Casey snarled before turning to the Judge, “Do you really think it’s fair on her to live with him during this whole ordeal?”

“I’ve heard enough,” the Judge frowned, “Mr Barba, I never thought I’d find you standing on that side of the table.”

“You and me both,” Rafael sighed.

Clearing his throat, the Judge continued, “You are to hand over your passport and I’m setting bail at $100,000.”

When the Judge banged his gavel, Rafael clenched his jaw as he turned to Casey; she glared at him while she packed her briefcase. When she turned on her heels and walked away, Rafael moved his gaze to Olivia; as he felt the court officer take hold of his arm he mouthed, “I’m sorry.”

Olivia quickly stood up as she watched him being escorted out; “I’ll pay the bail! I’m not leaving you here,” she called out.

 

A few long hours later, Rafael was back home, lying on his bed alone, when his phone began to ring. He groaned as he rolled over to his side and reached for his phone. After an uncomfortable stretch, Rafael rolled back and answered, “Barba.”

“You have a collect call from Rikers Island, would you like to accept?” A recorded message played.

Rafael sat up quickly, staring at the door, as he thought; he took so long, the message began to play again.

_Answer it! We want to talk._

As the message ended for the second time, Rafael whispered, “Yes.”

 

Olivia was sitting in the living room, pretending to read, as she thought about Rafael’s case. Looking up from her book. she sat there in silence and looked around the room; photos and toys, seeing fragments of her broken family. She felt numb as the room cruelly reminded her of what she’s lost. Olivia began to drift off into her own world when she was startled by the sound of something breaking which was shortly followed by a door being slammed shut. Olivia waited a few minutes before standing up and walking towards the hallway; as she slowly made her way down, she took a deep breath. When she neared her bedroom, she peered her head around the corner; she was confronted with pieces of broken mirror scattered all over the floor. “R-Raf?” she croaked. Olivia cautiously entered the room, her eyes scanning for Rafael; she stopped when she heard the crunching noise of broken glass under her shoe. With no sign of Rafael, she turned her attention to the mirror; there was a large spiderweb crack on what was left of the full-length mirror. Amidst all the broken glass on the floor, Olivia spotted Rafael’s cracked phone; “Rafael?” she whispered as she quickly snapped her gaze around the room one last time before starting for the hallway again. As she walked down the hallway, she noticed Noah’s door frame was slightly splintered. She walked carefully to the closed door; pausing for a moment, before slowly opening it. She stood quietly as the door creaked open; the sight of Rafael almost broke her heart. He was kneeling at the edge of Noah’s bed, his head buried into Charlie as he muttered a prayer in Spanish. When his words were replaced with silence, Olivia carefully walked towards him. She knelt down behind him and whispered, “Hon?”

He lifted his head, his eyes on Charlie; he remained quiet except for a few sniffles here and there. He was playing with Charlie’s ears when he felt Olivia’s hand on his back, “It still smells like him,” he faltered, bring the toy back to his face.

“What’s going on?” she questioned.

His voice was muffled as he said, “I’m s-sorry.”

“Please tell me what’s going on,” she whispered.

He lowered the toy, his eyes stinging as they watered; while his eyes were still on Charlie, he felt a few tears begin to roll down his face; “I… I killed him,” he sobbed, “I k-killed my s-son.”

“Rafael,” she whispered, “Please don’t say that.”

“Everyone else is,” he sniffled.

“You don’t believe them,” she said, “You know what happened.”

“Do I?” he asked, turning to face her. He paused as he looked at Olivia through blurred vison; she lowered her gaze to the floor and removed her touch from him. Rafael blinked quickly a few times, fighting against his tears, as he mumbled, “After what Carter said-“

Her eyes shot up to Rafael, “What?”

Wiping his eyes, he sighed, “Yeah, Carter… he, um, he called me just before.”

“What did he say?” she frowned.

“It doesn’t matter now,” he muttered under his breath.

“Clearly it does,” Olivia scoffed, “You shattered the mirror.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he frowned.

“You won’t make it through this trial if you can’t talk to me,” she sighed.

“The world around me is collapsing and I can feel myself disappearing with it,” he muttered. “I don’t know what thoughts or memories I can trust anymore and you’re worried about the trial?”

“I’m worried about you Rafael,” Olivia said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“That’s something I just can’t understand,” he sighed. “Why do you still care about me?”

“Because I love-“

“No,” he interrupted, “You condemned me before any of this and now you’re what? Trying to help? I needed you and you let this happen.”

“Rafael,” Olivia croaked; her stomach twisting in knots. “I’m here for you now.”

“It’s too late now,” Rafael sniffled as he used the bed to stand. He looked at the toy still in his hands then slowly turned his gaze to Olivia, who was still on the floor, “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, holding Charlie out to her. “I didn’t mean… I’m falling apart and I never meant to bring you down with me.”

Olivia took hold of the toy dog, her fingers tangling in its soft fur; her eyes followed the toy as she brought it closer to her face. After a deep breath, a few tears threatened in her eyes, “It does smell like him,” she whispered.

Rafael leaned down and kissed the top of Olivia’s head; “I never meant to break your heart,” he whispered, a tear rolled off his lashes and fell onto Olivia. When he stood up straight again, he started for the door.

“That prayer,” Olivia sniffled. She tore her gaze from the toy and turned to find Rafael standing in the doorway, looking back at her, “That’s the same prayer you said when we were at your mother’s grave, wasn’t it?”

“Yes,” Rafael nodded. He watched Olivia give a quick nod as her eyes wandered back towards Charlie.

“What’s it mean?” she asked.

“Essentially,” Rafael sighed, “I’m asking God for forgiveness but it’s mostly about keeping them safe since I failed to.”

“Oh,” she said absentmindedly.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, “Turns out I’m worse than my old man. I swear to you I never meant to hurt either of them, my mother taught me better but all I’ve ever done was let her down.”

“Raf-“ Olivia began but she heard his footsteps leaving the room. For the rest of the evening Olivia carried Charlie where ever she went; the stuffed toy comforted her yet reminded her of her own guilt. Unable to talk to Rafael properly during the night, she went to bed early and snuggled Charlie as she cried herself to sleep.

 

The next day, Rafael was wondering aimlessly around their apartment; when he saw Olivia sitting at the kitchen bench he asked, “Have you seen my law books?”

Liv put her book down as she turned her gaze to him; “We put them in a box when you retired.”

“Yeah I know,” he mumbled, “Do you know where that is?”

“Have you tried the study?” she asked.

“Not there,” he sighed.

“Try our closest,” she suggested, “I remember seeing a big box at the back, it could be them.”

“Okay,” he nodded as he took a few steps.

Just before he disappeared Olivia called out, “Why do you need them?”

He took a few steps back until he saw Olivia again; “My trial is only a few weeks away,” he sighed. “I’m nervous, I haven’t done a whole lot of defense work.”

“You shouldn’t be doing it now,” Olivia sighed.

“Someone’s got to represent me,” he frowned. “Your pal Bayard Ellis retired, I don’t like the way Buchanan works. No one in the DA’s office wants anything to do with me. Hell, even Jack stopped taking my calls 6 months ago.”

“The court will give you an attorney,” Olivia replied.

Rafael let out a quick laugh, “We both know I’m better than those lawyers.”

Olivia paused as she nodded; thinking quietly to herself she suggested, “What about Rita?”

“She won’t help me,” he sighed.

“She took your assault case,” she reminded him.

“That was an easy win,” Rafael mumbled. “If she took my case now, she’ll be taking a lost cause.”

“Just ask her,” Olivia sighed. “You can’t do this one yourself.”

“I’ll think about it,” he muttered as took a step forward. A thought crossed his mind making Rafael pause in the doorway, without turning, he asked, “Are you trying to help me or protect the case?”

“That’s a stupid question,” Olivia frowned.

“Is it?” he frowned as he walked away.

_She wants Us to fail._

He sighed, “She wouldn’t suggest Rita if she did.”

_Rita won’t take it, we both know that._

“Just shut up,” he growled, “You’ve caused enough trouble for me.”

_We protected you. We’re someone you can count on, unlike your “Friends.”_

“I don’t have any friends,” Rafael mumbled as he entered his room. As he crossed the room, he saw his phone sitting on the edge of the bed; making a detour, he picked it up and scrolled to Rita’s contact. The large crack on his screen made it difficult but when he finally found it, he called her. When the phone rang out, he sighed and tossed his phone back on the bed.

_Told you._

“Shut up,” he growled, turning to the closet. He pushed all the clothes to one side and found a box, sitting in the back. He pulled it out, brushing off the dust, and opened it; he was relieved to find his law books. He spent the next few hours, sitting on his bed, books scattered around him as he read and took down notes. Occasionally he’d try calling Rita again but got the same result.

 

After a while, Rafael tried Rita one last time; “Hello?” a woman answered.

“Rita,” Rafael said relieved, “It’s Rafael... Barba.”

“I know who you are,” she laughed a little.

“I’m just glad you answered,” Rafael replied, “I’ve been trying to get a hold you all afternoon.”

“Sorry about that,” she sighed, “New receptionist. What can I do for you?”

“I need to ask you for a favour,” Rafael mumbled.

“Still haven’t found council?” Rita asked.

“You heard?”

“It’s all anyone can talk about,” Rita answered, “You’re the talk of the town again Rafael.”

He sighed, “I was kinda hoping you’d be interested in taking my case.”

She hesitantly said, “I don’t know.”

“You were willing to take my case once before,” Rafael muttered.

“That was different.”

“Why?” He asked.

“Because I believed you then,” Rita sighed.

Rafael went silent; his heart skipped a beat as his stomach dropped, “Oh.”

“I’m sorry but it’s Olivia’s son.”

“He was my son too,” Rafael mumbled. As the line fell into an awkward silence, Rafael’s mind raced.

_No one can help Us now. No one wants to. They’re all against Us!_

Clenching his jaw, he grumbled “I know this case isn’t an easy win but you’ve got to believe me when I say I didn’t do this.”

Rita mumbled, “I can’t ignore my friendship to Olivia.”

“We have more history than you and Liv do,” he muttered. “I’d do it myself if I could but... look, I’m sure you’ve represented people you didn’t believe before so can you please help me?”

“Can I think about it?” she asked.

“I need to know soon,” he sighed.

“I’ll call you back later today,” Rita mumbled.

“Okay,” he said then he ended the call. He placed the phone gently on top of a book next to him then he drew a deep breath as he ran his fingers roughly through his hair. Lost in his own world for a moment, he didn’t hear Olivia enter.

“Hon?” she asked.

Her voice startled him; his head quickly snapped to the doorway, “What?” he frowned.

Olivia cautiously walked towards the edge of the bed, taking notice of all the books and scrunched up paper scattered around him. “Any luck?” she asked.

“What do you think?” he huffed. After another deep breath, he sighed, “I’m sorry. I just… I’m under a lot of stress.”

“I know,” she sighed. “I thought I heard you talking to someone.”

“Relax,” he said with a forced smile. “I was actually on the phone this time.”

“I didn’t think you were talking to yourself,” Olivia mumbled, “Who was on the phone?”

“Rita,” he answered, “I finally got in touch with her.”

“And?” Olivia pushed, “How’d that go?

“I don’t know but I said something that left a bitter taste in my mouth,” Rafael mumbled.

“What was that?”

“I said I didn’t do it,” he sighed.

“Oh Raf-“

“Rita thinks I did so I tried to reassure her but how can I say those words when I don’t mean them,” he mumbled.

“You know what happened… you used to be so sure about the kidnapping,” Olivia comforted.

“That, I believe happened, I don’t think I faked that,” he grumbled, “But the rest of it, I don’t remember and the longer this goes on, the less convinced I am of my own innocence.”

“Rafael, you need to remain hopeful,” Olivia sighed.

“Why?” He frowned. “You blame me. You have ever since Noah disappeared, I might as well face the facts and take responsibility… as you put it a week ago.”

“I don’t-“

“No,” he sighed, “Don’t say you don’t blame me because we both know you do. I know you’ve been trying hard to be supportive the last few days but let’s face it, when the trial starts, you’ll be sitting on the prosecutor’s side.”

Olivia felt her eyes begin to water as she drew a quick breath, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here Rafael…” she paused as a tear rolled down her cheek, “I’m torn. I love you but Noah...”

Rafael sighed; jumping off the bed he quickly closed the gap between them; wrapping his arms around her, he added, “I’m sorry to do this to you.”

She nuzzled into the crease of his neck as she mumbled, “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

Rafael felt her tears on his skin; tightening his grip around her, he said, “It’s okay... Whatever happens, know it’s not your fault. You’ve done everything you can.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he comforted, “I’ve made my bed, now it’s time to lie in.”

They stood there in each other’s embrace for a moment longer; after a few deep shuddering breaths Olivia sniffled, “Will Rita take your case?”

“I wouldn’t if I was her,” he sighed. “But she’ll call me back to let me know.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded as she broke their hug.

“If I can be completely honest with you Liv,” Rafael mumbled, “If Casey offered me a deal today, I’d take it. I know she won’t, there’s no reason to but that’s where I’m at.”

“Just stay hopeful,” Olivia sighed. She went to say something else but instead her eyes fell to the floor while she wiped her cheeks dry.

“What?” he questioned, “Talk to me.”

“I have to go to Casey’s office,” she sighed, “She wants to talk to me.”

“Oh.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Olivia reassured, “Maybe a few questions about Noah.”

“Yeah, okay,” he nodded. “I should get back to my work anyway.”

“Rita will call you back,” Olivia said sounding hopeful. “You’ll be okay.”

“Mhmm,” he sighed, sitting back on the bed. “Talk to you later.”

“Bye Rafael,” she said turning for the door.

 

An hour later, Olivia was pacing back and forth in Casey’s office; her fingers running through the top of her head. “Olivia will you please take a seat,” Casey’s voice begged.

Turning around, Olivia looked at Casey, who was sitting behind her desk, “You don’t understand what this is like for me,” she sighed.

“No, I don’t,” Casey replied. “But I want to understand so please sit.”

Olivia nodded as she slowly made her way across the room and sat in front of Casey, “Why am I here?”

“Why did you pay his bail?” Casey asked.

“I wasn’t going to leave him in there,” Olivia sighed, “I don’t care what he’s done, he’s still my husband.”

“You don’t care about what he’s done to Noah?” Casey frowned.

Olivia paused, “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Olivia,” she sighed.

“You were there when he was attacked a year ago. You know what he was like,” Olivia frowned, “Carter did this to him and now… Now, I have to just let it happen?”

“It wasn’t Carter who took away your son,” Casey shrugged.

“Wasn’t he?” Olivia whispered. “Why are you so harsh on Rafael?”

“Why aren’t you?” Casey remarked. “What I remember from Carters case was the bruises I saw on your arm.”

“Don’t,” Olivia sighed.

“Look, I’ve read Rachael Thatcher’s notes on Barba,” Casey sighed, “Have you?”

“No,” she mumbled, “But I’ve spoken to her.”

“Did she tell you how he views you or your relationship?” Casey asked.

“No,” Olivia sighed, “I didn’t ask about that.”

“He resents you,” Casey said bluntly, “He blames you for his current mental state.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Olivia mumbled.

“You’re going to hear it eventually and maybe it will knock some sense into you,” Casey sighed. “He’s losing his mind and becoming unpredictable, he’s no longer your husband. You need to face the facts, he murdered your son but worse than that, he tortured him… he put Noah through the very thing that broke him.”

“He didn’t,” Olivia sniffled.

“Olivia, I have been talking to Fin and he said you were the first to accuse Rafael but now you’re backing out of it,” Casey frowned, “Why?”

“I’m not backing out of it, I just don’t…” she paused, “I don’t want to face the fact that I could have stopped this if I saw it coming but I missed it. I can’t deal with the thought that I put my son in danger because of him. I don’t want to believe he hurt my baby boy.”

“Do you think he did it?” Casey asked quietly.

Olivia sniffled, fighting against tears, “He killed my son but I won’t say that in court.”

“Do you want to get justice for Noah or would you rather Rafael get off free? After everything he’s done to you… How can you stand by him?” Casey frowned.

Olivia sighed, “Does he have a chance at winning?”

“Do you want him to?” Casey asked.

“No,” Olivia said bluntly, “After all this, I need him to lose.”

“It’s about time you’re seeing it my way,” Casey nodded.

“He’s called Rita,” Olivia sighed. “I think she’ll take it.”

“Whose idea was that?” Casey questioned.

“Mine,” Olivia admitted.

“You’ve made it harder for me to win by getting him to call Rita.”

“So what can I do to help?” Olivia rushed, “He’s my husband but Noah takes priority.”

“Stop standing by him,” Casey frowned.

“I can’t do that,” Olivia sighed. “I’m sorry but I can’t watch him struggle through this alone.”

“Olivia, are you kidding me?” Casey growled, “He murdered your son!”

“He…” she paused, “What else can I do?

“Testify,” Casey sighed, “I need to show that your marriage wasn’t perfect-“

“It might not have been prefect but he was a great father and husband, he was just dealing with a lot,” Olivia frowned.

“Oh my God Olivia!” Casey huffed, “Will you quit being so defensive of him! I can do this without you but with you… I can bury him.”

“I’ll think about it,” she sighed.

“No,” Casey frowned, “You’ll answer me now, I have to know.”

“Would you consider giving him a deal?” Olivia asked.

“No,” she said bluntly. “I have no reason to. I will win this case.”

“Can we make sure when he is convicted that he gets put in protective custody?” she sighed.

“I’ll see what I can do if you help me,” Casey bargained.

“Fine, I’ll testify, I’ll say whatever you want me to,” Olivia mumbled, “I’ll tell the jury about the panic attacks, the nightmares, the black outs, the bruises he gave me when he couldn’t recognise me. Hell, I’ll even talk about the rare occasions he scared Noah, I don’t care. Just promise me you’ll give him protective custody.”

“I’ll do my best,” Casey nodded.

“Okay,” Olivia sighed. She looked down at her watch as she muttered, “I’ve got to go, is there anything else you want to talk to me about?”

“Not right now but I will need you to come in again so we can start working on your testimony,” Casey replied.

“Fine,” Olivia nodded as she stood up. “I’ll talk to you then.”

 

Rafael was on the phone when he saw Olivia entering the apartment; he gave off a quick smile before turning his attention back to his phone, “Rita, will you just give me a straight answer,” he sighed.

“Rafael,” Rita huffed, “I’ll take your case but from here on out you have to be completely honest with me.”

“Of course,” he mumbled, walking into the living room.

“I’m not doing this one pro-bono,” she sighed, “My fees are rather high.”

“I’ll pay it,” Rafael rushed, “I just… I really need your help.”

“I never thought I’d hear the great Rafael Barba beg for my help,” Rita laughed.

“You and me both,” he sighed.

“I want to see you in my office tomorrow afternoon,” she ordered, “We’re going to be working overtime for this one.”

“I should…” he hesitated, “I should tell you that I’m prone to black outs and personality shifts.”

“You didn’t want to tell me that before I took the case?” she frowned.

“I need you,” he sighed. “I’m not using the insanity plea, I’m not crazy.”

“Well, you’ve just made this harder for the both of us,” she sighed, “I’ll see what I can do. Just be in my office at 2pm.”

Before Rafael could say anything else, Rita hung up. He tossed his phone onto the lounge as he turned to Olivia, “How was your afternoon?” he asked.

“No,” Olivia frowned, “What did she say? Don’t leave me hanging.”

Rafael let out a small laugh of relief, “She’s taking it!” He quickly closed the gap between them; as he wrapped his arms around her, he lifted her slightly off the ground, “She’s taking it,” he repeated.

Olivia laughed as he spun her around, “That’s great.”

“I actually have a chance now,” he smiled, putting her back down.

Olivia forced a smile as she looked at him, “I’m really happy for you Rafael.”

“It’s a long shot but I could win this,” he said. When Olivia’s smile disappeared, he sighed, “Are you okay? I know this can’t be easy for you but I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

“Yeah,” she sighed, “I’m fine.”

“How’d that meeting with Casey go?” he asked, “What did she want?”

“You know I can’t tell you that,” Olivia sighed. When he nodded, she added, “I think I’m going to lie down for a while. This has been an eventful day to say the least.”

Rafael sighed as he watched Olivia turn on her heels and disappear down the hallway; he turned back to the lounge and started to stack up the books he brought out. Once the lounge was clear, he sat down and started writing down notes.

 

*

 

Four weeks later, Rafael checked his watch before looking around the room, “Olivia?” he called out. With no response, he wandered down the hallway and entered their bedroom when he noticed the closed ensuite door. “Liv?” he questioned as he walked closer. He heard some rushed shuffling before the clink of porcelain and a muffled groan from Olivia. He gently knocked on the door as he carefully opened it just enough to peer his head inside; he saw Olivia on the floor, leaning against the sink, in front of the toilet. “Are you okay?” he said sounding worried.

Feeling drained, Olivia slowly lifted her gaze and forced a smile, “I’m okay.”

“Please don’t lie to me,” he sighed as he pushed the door open completely. Rafael cautiously closed the gap between them and knelt down next to her; “What’s going on?”

“It’s honestly nothing,” Olivia sighed. “It’s just a nervous stomach… Tomorrow is…”

“The beginning of my trial,” he nodded. He moved a little closer to her as he sat down, placing a hand on top of hers, “Is there anything I can do for you?”

Olivia shook her head, “It comes in waves.” She took a few shallow breaths before turning quickly to the toilet and started to throw up.

Rafael sat up on his knees next to her; he gently pulled her hair out of her face with one hand while he ran the other on her back. “It’s okay, I’m here,” he comforted her.

After a few seconds, Olivia leaned back; “I’m sorry, I don’t…” she panted. She took a deep breath before continuing, “I don’t think I can do breakfast.”

Gently brushing some hair out of her face, Rafael laughed a little, “Don’t worry about that.”

Feeling his fingers softly running along her cheek, she rushed, “I can still go with you to see Rita.”

He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, “You don’t have to if you don’t feel up to it.”

“I want to,” she sighed.

“It’s a few hours away, why don’t we see how you feel then?” he suggested.

She brought her hand to her mouth as she reluctantly nodded; a moment later, she pushed Rafael out of the way and leaned over the toilet once again. She groaned while she leaned against the bowl once the throwing up had stopped. “God, this sucks.”

“Are you sure it’s just a nervous stomach?” Rafael questioned, “Maybe it’s something you ate or you could be coming down with something.”

“I think…” she mumbled, “I think I need a few minutes alone.”

“Oh?” he said confused.

“Can you make me a cup of tea?” she asked, “I’ll be out soon.”

“Okay,” he nodded. He let out a small grunt as he used the sink to stand up, “Take your time.”

 

Ten minutes later, Rafael stood in the kitchen, stirring Olivia’s cup of tea, when he heard the floor creak behind him. He quickly glanced over his shoulder and saw Olivia standing in the doorway, “How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Tired,” she replied.

Rafael nodded as he quickly glanced back at the cup; he placed the spoon in the sink then slid the cup along the kitchen bench towards Olivia. “I hope it’s nothing serious,” he mumbled.

Olivia gave a small smile as she took hold of the cup; feeling the warmth in her hands, “Thank you for this.”

He smiled back before turning away; he took a few steps across the kitchen and took hold of a plate, “I searched our pantry for anything ease your stomach.” As he turned to her, he laughed, “Which by the way, we don’t have any food but I did manage to find these biscuits hidden away.”

Olivia looked down at the plate in his hand, “I don’t think I should-“

“I think you should,” Rafael pushed, “I’m pretty sure they’ve got ginger in them. That should help a little.”

“You really didn’t have to go through all this trouble,” she said as she took a biscuit off the plate. “The tea would have been just fine.”

Rafael sighed, he placed the plate on the bench and replaced it with a mug of his own, “I just want to make sure you’re okay before…” he drifted off. He had a hand on the bench as he stared at the wall while he took a sip of his coffee. When he felt Olivia softly put her own hand on top of his, he moved his gaze to her face, “Liv, I don’t know how much longer I’m actually going to be able to keep doing this. This time next week, I probably won’t be here and I need to know that you’re going to be okay.”

Putting her drink down, Olivia felt her eyes start to water; she blinked rapidly as she fought against the tears. She faltered, “Please don’t say that.”

He quickly put his coffee down and pulled her into a tight hug, “I’m sorry for all of this-“

Wrapping her arms tightly around him; she sniffled into his chest, “No, no, stop… I’ll figure this out.”

He moved one hand to the back of her head, tangling his fingers in her hair, as he kissed her softly on the forehead. “One of us needs to be realistic here,” he sighed, “We’re in the end game and I’ve been dealt a losing hand.” As he held her, he felt Olivia’s shuddering breaths; he quickly broke the hug and lowered his head. “Shh, look at me,” he said calmly. “Please Liv, look at me.”

Tears falling from her eyes, she slowly lifted her gaze, “I don’t want you to-“

“I love you,” he interrupted, “So wipe the tears from those beautiful brown eyes of yours.” He watched as Olivia placed both hands on her eyes, “This is going to be tough for me but I can have some piece of mind if I know you’re going to be okay.”

“R-Raf,” she sniffled; lowering her hands to look at him.

“Can you promise me you’ll look after yourself?”

Olivia paused as she looked at him; his big eyes were filled with tears of his own. Diving into the sea of green, she found herself pushing past the worried look in his eyes and finally seeing the fear he was trying to hide from her. She drew a deep breath as she finally broke her silence, “I promise.”

When she spoke; he closed his eyes, stopping his tears from falling, as he drew a broken breath, “Good,” he whispered, opening his eyes again.

“You’re a good man Rafael,” Olivia smiled. “I’m proud to have your-“ her eyes widened as she stopped suddenly. She cleared her throat, “To have you as my husband.”

“I’m so lucky to have shared this much of my life with you,” he smiled back. They stood there quietly for a moment, just lovingly looking at each other, until Rafael said, “How about I duck down to the shop and buy some groceries?”

“I’ll come with…” Olivia paused as her stomach churned.

“No,” he said placing a hand on her shoulder, “I’ll only be an hour or so. Why don’t you go take your tea and a few of these biscuits into our room and lie down for a while.”

She clenched her jaw, fighting the urge to throw up; when the wave seemed to die down, she sighed, “Yeah, I’ll stay here.”

Rafael leaned in and kissed the side of her cheek; when he started for the doorway, he asked, “Is there anything specific you want?”

“Um,” she shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe some ice-cream.”

“Ice-cream?” he laughed, “You never eat that.”

“Comfort food I guess,” she sighed.

He nodded, “Okay, what flavour?”

“Chocolate- no, strawberry- no,” she frowned, “You decide.”

Rafael chucked, “No, no, no, I’m not falling for that one again. You pick.”

Olivia groaned, “I don’t know, chocolate then.”

“Okay,” he muttered, “I’ll be back soon. Please take it easy while I’m gone.”

“I’m going to be fine,” she reassured.

“God, I really hope so,” he sighed as he turned down the hallway and left.

 

When Rafael got back home, he placed his bags on the kitchen table and started to unpack them; ten minutes had passed when he finally finished putting everything away. He quickly wiped down the tabletop before leaving the kitchen; he walked down the hallway towards the bedroom to find the door was open. He paused as he looked in, a small smile appeared on his face as he looked at Olivia asleep on the bed. He quietly took a few strides across the room until he was standing next to her; he fought a laugh when he noticed a half-eaten biscuit in her hand. Rafael gently took the biscuit from her, placing it on the bedside table, before reaching down and grabbing the blanket; he pulled over her, dropping it softly on her shoulder. His fingers glided from the top of the blanket up to her face; as he brushed some hair off her cheek, he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she looked to him. Rafael bent down and gave her a tender kiss on the top of her head before turning on his heels.

He reached the door before he heard a soft whisper, “Rafael?”

Turning around, he saw Olivia stretching, “I didn’t mean to wake you,” he sighed.

“What time is it?” she asked.

“Almost noon,” he replied.

Her eyes widened as she sat up, “Your meeting!”

“I was just about to leave,” he nodded.

“Give me 5 and I’ll be ready,” Olivia rushed as she started to get out of bed.

“No,” he sighed, “Just, go back to sleep, I’m going to be fine.”

“I want to be there for you,” she sighed as she rushed over to the closet.

He watched as she rummaged through her shoes, “Liv, if you’re not feeling well don’t push yourself.”

“I’m fine,” she reassured, “Now, blue or black?”

He rolled his eyes as he smiled, “Black.”

“Okay,” Olivia nodded. She expertly put them on as leaned against the wall, “Now, we’ve got to go or you’re going to be late.”

“Guess I can’t talk you out of this,” he smirked.

“Nope,” she said bluntly as she walked towards him; making Rafael laugh. He followed her lead out of the apartment and down to their car.

 

A half hour later, Rafael and Olivia stepped off the elevator on the 28th floor and stepped into a highly decorated office space with large glass windows looking out to the river. Rafael sighed as they walked towards the receptionist; the young woman behind the desk gave a small smile when she saw them. “Rita is expecting me,” Rafael mumbled.

“Of course Mr Barba,” she nodded, “She’s in her office, you’re welcome to go in.”

“Thank you,” he replied. Turning to Olivia he asked, “Are you still feeling okay?”

“Are you?” she questioned.

“What?” he said confused, “I just meant if you feel sick at all, we can go home.”

“You need to be here,” Olivia replied.

“You’re more important to me,” he said.

Olivia’s gaze fell to the ground, “Raf,” she sighed, “I know you’re nervous but it’s going to be okay.”

“Okay,” he sighed, “Let’s go.”

They quietly walked through the law firm until they reached the corner office; when they reached it, Rafael knocked on the door. A few short moments later, the door opened, “Barba, please come-“ Rita stopped abruptly when she saw Olivia. “You can’t come in,” she sighed.

“What?” Rafael frowned, “She’s just here to support me.”

“Well isn’t that sweet, she’s still not coming in,” Rita shrugged.

“It’s okay Rafael,” Olivia sighed, “I’ll wait out here.”

“Liv, are you sure?” he asked. When she nodded, he sighed, “Okay well if you need to, interrupt this meeting.”

Rita frowned, “Are we done yet? You’re paying me by the hour.”

“Just go,” Olivia sighed as she started back down the hallway.

Rafael sighed as he walked into the office, “You didn’t have to do that.”

“We have things to talk about,” Rita sighed as she sat behind her desk. “This is our last chance to be on the same page before the trial.”

“I know,” he sighed. “I still want to testify.”

“We’ve been over this,” Rita rolled her eyes, “It’s not a good idea. You’re too unpredictable.”

“I’ve been on the stand before,” he mumbled, “I know what I’m doing.”

“That was different,” Rita sighed, “You were a victim then, now you’re the defendant.”

“All the years I’ve known you, you usually put the defendant on the stand,” Rafael sighed, “What’s stopping you when it comes to me?”

Rita paused as she looked at her computer; drawing a deep breath she muttered, “I want you to listen to something.” She pulled up an audio file on her computer before looking back to Rafael, “Are you ready?”

“It’s not the phone call again, is it?” he asked, “I can’t hear myself like that again.”

“No,” Rita sighed as she pressed play.

 _Fin’s static voice echoed through the room;_ _“But his cries for help weren’t enough, you had to take his life.”_

_“No,” Rafael’s voice sniffled, “I… Please… Stop.”_

Rafael looked at Rita, “Why are we listening to this? I know what happened in this interrogation.”

“Just listen,” Rita sighed.

_“Tell me what happened,” Fin growled, “Tell me what you put that boy through-“_

_“I don’t remember!” Rafael cried._

Rafael stared at Rita, confused, when he heard his own static whimpers; “I still don’t-“

“Shh,” Rita frowned.

_After a moment Rafael’s soft whimpers suddenly stopped; a few seconds later, Fin’s voice questioned, “Barba?”_

_“We’re done talking,” he snarled. “We know our rights so get out.”_

Rita paused the recording as she watched Rafael; he was staring out the window behind her, “Rafael, can you explain the sudden tone shift?”

“I… I don’t know,” he frowned; turning his gaze to her. “I don’t remember saying any of that. Is there more?”

“There’s a little more but that’s not important,” Rita sighed. “I showed you this because that’s the reason I don’t want you on the stand. I’ve spoken to Ms Thatcher so I somewhat understand what happened there.”

“I didn’t know I did that,” he mumbled, “I don’t even remember blacking out.”

“Look Rafael,” she sighed, “I got the prosecutions witness list this morning and your therapist is one of them. Casey is going to use her to explain how mentally unstable you are and once the jury learns that, it’s going to be an uphill battle.”

“Oh,” he sighed, “Well isn’t that a good reason for me to take the stand?”

“No,” Rita replied. “We don’t want jury to see that side of you.”

“That won’t happen,” Rafael rushed.

“You can’t guarantee that,” Rita frowned, “We both know Casey will push you until it does.”

“That might not-“

“Rafael,” Rita interrupted, “How often did you push a defendant until you manipulated their behaviour in court?” When Rafael didn’t reply, Rita added, “I know you used that method against a few clients of mine and every time you got that reaction, you won.”

“I didn’t think about that,” he sighed.

“I know,” she nodded. “The point is that we need them to see you as a loving father and husband but that’s going to be difficult with Liv taking the stand.”

Rafael’s stomach dropped; “What?” he questioned, “I didn’t know she was… She didn’t tell me.”

“She’s not supposed to,” she sighed, “That’s why she’s not in here.”

“Well, I’m fucked then, aren’t I?” Rafael sighed. “I can’t win against her.”

“I’m still going to fight for you,” Rita reassured, “We still have a chance but you need to work with me.”

“Okay,” he nodded.

“Is there anything I can use against Olivia?” Rita asked.

“I can’t do that,” he sighed. “Rita, she’s my wife.”

“I know and we have spousal privilege for some things,” Rita sighed, “But she’ll be talking about what you’re like around Noah.”

“What do you want?” Rafael asked.

“I need something that she can’t deny, something saying she knew about your condition yet she still trusted you with Noah,” Rita sighed.

Rafael sighed, “She knew about the voice but she didn’t know it could take control. I didn’t even know until recently.”

“Rafael, you wouldn’t let me use the insanity defence so this is the best I can do,” Rita frowned.

“I’m not crazy,” he frowned, “Carter will not get the satisfaction of breaking me.”

“Then give me something to work with,” she huffed, “Right now, my best shot at getting the jury to even like you, is through Olivia.”

“I’ll take my chances,” he sighed as he stood up. “It’s not Liv’s fault and I won’t drag her through the mud, she’s been through enough.”

“Your love for her will cost you, I hope you understand that,” Rita sighed.

“I know,” he nodded as he started for the door. “But you were always a tough opponent in the court room, so I have faith you’ll find another way.”

“It’s hard this late in the game,” Rita mumbled, “I’ll do my best.”

“I’ll see you at court tomorrow,” Rafael sighed, reaching the door.

Rita watched as he opened it and stood in the hallway, “8:30 sharp,” she called out.

Rafael nodded before walking down the hallway; as he turned the corner towards the receptionist, he saw Olivia sitting patiently with a magazine in her hands. His chest tightened as he walked towards her; he couldn’t help but feel betrayed as he looked at her.

Olivia noticed him walking towards her in the corner of her eye; putting down the magazine, she sighed, “Everything okay?”

“Just fine,” he mumbled as he turned his gaze to the window.

“Rafael,” she sighed, “She told you, didn’t she?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he frowned. “Let’s go home.”

“I had no choice,” she mumbled.

Still avoiding eye contact, he growled, “I don’t care.”

“Please just look at me,” Olivia begged as she stood up. When she took a step in front of him he turned his head away from her, “Please, Rafael. Look at me.”

He rolled his head as he turned his gaze to her, “What?“

“Don’t let this change anything for us,” she said calmly.

“It changes everything!” he huffed, “Your support for these past few weeks was just a façade. It meant nothing to you!”

Olivia looked around the office and saw that everyone had stopped and turned to them, “Rafael,” she sighed.

“You knew you were doing this to me yet you still had the audacity to give me false hope,” he growled. “I thought I could count on you! I thought you were beginning to believe me… Clearly I was mistaken.”

“Hon, please,” Olivia sniffled; her eyes starting to water. “I would have told you if I could.”

“You didn’t mention it once while I was talking to you about my defence!” he snarled, “You could have said something! Anything!”

“Barba,” Rita’s voice huffed through the reception.

He snapped his head around to her; “What!”

“Don’t make a scene, you’re not helping our case,” she sighed, “Go home.”

Rafael drew a deep breath as he nodded, “Fine,” turning to Olivia he added, “I guess I should stop giving you ammunition.”

“That’s not-“ Olivia began but Rafael started for the elevator.

He stood quietly in the elevator; his hand in a tight fist beside him, as he waited for Olivia. When she got in, she stood in the corner away from him; he waited until the door closed before he said, “Just tell me, when did you decide to do this to me?”

“I didn’t have a choice,” Olivia mumbled.

“Just… answer my question,” he sighed.

“Before Rita took your case,” she whispered.

“What!” he huffed.

The sudden raise of his voice made Olivia jump, “I’m sorry,” she sniffled.

“No,” he mumbled, “No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have trusted you to not testify but how could I not? I trust you with my life… still do.”

Unsure of what to say; Olivia let it fall into silence between them, as each floor passed Olivia pushed herself to say something, “R-“ she faltered. He didn’t move his gaze off the door until she finally whispered, “I-I did it for N-Noah.”

Rafael’s stomach dropped when he heard the weakness in her voice; he looked at her and saw the shimmer of a tear track on her cheek in the dull glow, “I know,” he sighed. “I just wish things could have gone differently. I hate being against you but it’s my fault we’re like this.”

“Don’t-“ Olivia shuddered.

“Either way, if the kidnapping happened or if I um… I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “I didn’t mean to. I really do love you both.”

“I l-love you,” she cried as she wrapped her arms around him.

“Come on,” he sighed, “Don’t cry, it’s not over yet. It would take a miracle but who knows.”

She tightened her grip around him as she whispered into his chest, “I didn’t want this.”

Rafael didn’t hear what she said so he just wrapped one arm around her and muttered, “Why don’t we get you home? You need to rest.”

When the elevator doors opened onto the ground floor; Rafael guided Olivia out and they walked together to the car. Once they got home, Rafael made sure Olivia was okay before retiring to the study for the rest of the night.  He sat at the desk, drinking, when he noticed a photo sitting face down on the edge of the desk. He reached over and took a hold of it; it was a wedding photo with Rafael, Olivia and Noah all laughing. Rafael felt the tears rolling down his cheek as memories of Noah flooded his mind. _Whatever happens, remember this is about Noah,_ he thought as he took a sip of his drink.

 

The next few days were long and draining for Rafael as he sat quietly listening to every piece of evidence and testimony. By the third day, Rafael felt hopeless as he watched the jury; some giving him some dirty looks here and there. Unable to take it anymore, he stared at the desk as he listened to the prosecution, “Your Honour, we’d like to call Olivia Barba-Benson to the stand.”

Rafael’s heart dropped as any sense of hope he had left fell away. There were a few muffled voices around him as he lifted his head and watched Olivia walk up to the stand. They made eye contact for a moment as she sat down but Olivia’s attention was quickly drawn away when Casey started to talk.

“Please state your relationship to the defendant for the court,” Casey said calmly.

“He’s my husband,” Olivia sighed.

“So, you would understand him better than anyone?” Casey shrugged.

“Yes,” Olivia nodded.

“We already heard the testimony of Ms Thatcher, the defendant’s therapist, so I won’t ask you to dig into his mental instabilities,” Casey mumbled, “Instead, I want you to explain what Mr Barba is like to live with.”

“Most of the time it’s great,” Olivia replied. When Casey frowned, she added, “But there are times when he’s not himself and I worry about what he’ll do.”

“Were you ever worried about the safety of your son or yourself?” Casey asked.

“There have been times,” Olivia nodded hesitantly. “Some days when things were really bad for him, he’d have these nightmares. He told me about them-”

“Objection,” Rita huffed, “Spousal privilege.”

“Sustained,” the Judge nodded.

“Okay,” Casey sighed, “Whenever he had these nightmares, did he hurt you?”

“A few times at first,” Olivia nodded, “He didn’t mean to. He just didn’t recognise me.”

“Didn’t recognise his own wife?” Casey frowned as she walked towards the jury, “How often would that happen? Was it only after the nightmares?”

Olivia paused as she glanced over to Rafael; his eyes glued to her, “No, he’d have these episodes where he wouldn’t know where he was.”

 “Did he have any around Noah?”

Olivia watched as Rafael placed his head in his hands; she drew a deep breath as she answered, “Yes, but Noah knew to leave him alone.”

“Was Noah ever scared of him?” Casey asked.

“Objection,” Rita frowned, “Hearsay.”

“She’s his mother,” Casey argued; turning to the Judge. “She’s the only person who would know how he felt before he died.”

“Sustained,” the Judge sighed, “Watch yourself Ms Novack.”

“Were you ever scared he was capable of more than a few bruises?” Casey asked.

“Yes,” Olivia nodded, “When he had a gun.”

“You mean this one?” Casey asked as she lifted the gun off her desk, “Prosecution would like to show the court Evidence 5a.”

“That’s the one,” Olivia sighed.

“He had this when he was arrested,” Casey sighed, “Has he ever used it before?”

“I didn’t know he bought it until recently,” Olivia mumbled.

“How’d you find out?”

“When he held it on our front door while our friends were on the other side,” Olivia sighed.

“And you let him keep it?” Casey frowned, “As an officer of the NYPD, that sounds very irresponsible.”

“No, I locked it away,” Olivia frowned, “I didn’t think he could get to it but I was wrong.”

“This isn’t the only thing he didn’t tell you about, is it?” Casey shrugged as she walked towards the jury, “You didn’t know about the apartment either, isn’t that right?”

“Objection, Your Honour,” Rita sighed, “Calls for speculation.”

“We know it’s his apartment,” Casey shrugged, “He’s still paying for it.”

“I’ll allow,” the Judge sighed.

“No, I thought he had sold it,” Olivia sighed, “He told me he did.”

“Like he told you Noah was kidnapped?” Casey mumbled.

“I believed him,” Olivia muttered.

Casey took a few steps towards Olivia as she asked, “But that was his voice on the call saying exactly where to find Noah’s crime scene?”

“Yes.”

“Prosecution rests,” Casey sighed as she walked back to her desk.

Olivia shifted in her seat as she watched Rita stand up; “Now, Olivia… You don’t mind if I call you Olivia, right?”

“Go ahead,” Olivia sighed.

“You noticed all these little red flags,” Rita shrugged as she walked towards the jury, “Yet you still let him near your son… Why?”

“Because he’s my husband and Noah’s father,” Olivia sniffled.

“Right,” Rita nodded, “But despite all this damning evidence, you still trusted him with you son?”

“Of course,” Olivia nodded.

“So, if you were so worried about Mr Barba, why would you still let the boy near him? Wouldn’t any good mother get him out of harm’s way?” Rita questioned.

Olivia felt her eyes water, “I am a good mother.”

“And Mr Barba was a good father?” Rita asked, “I mean, we’ve heard all this testimony saying how unstable he was yet you seemed to think otherwise. Is there something you’re not telling us?”

“N-no,” Olivia sniffled, “He… He did it.”

“Did he?” Rita frowned, “You’re an NYPD officer and Mr Barba’s mental instabilities didn’t faze you at all. In fact, even after his arrest, you still defended him. So how are we meant to condemn this poor man for something you don’t even believe?”

Olivia looked at Rafael through her tears; she gave him a pitiful look before shuddering, “I know he did it.”

“Then why post his bail? Why let him live with you? If you’re so sure, why don’t you act like a grieving mother?” Rita huffed.

“Your Honour!” Casey called out.

“Sustained,” the Judge growled.

“Defence rests,” Rita shrugged as she walked back to her desk.

The Judge waited until Rita stood behind her desk before he said, “It’s getting late, I’m calling a recess until tomorrow morning.”

Rafael drew a deep breath as he watched Olivia step off the witness stand and walk towards the door; his heart beating quickly in his chest. The room around him buzzed as everyone moved towards the doors. “Rita?” he sniffled, “Do we have a chance?”

“I think we could,” she nodded, “But it’s going to be tough.”

“Put me on the stand,” he begged.

“No,” she frowned.

“Come on, after that, I have to defend myself,” Rafael sighed, “I have to say something.”

“I’ll put you on the stand if you can answer me this,” Rita sighed, “Did you do it?”

Rafael paused, “You’re not supposed to ask me that.”

“The prosecution will,” she shrugged, “Just answer it.”

“I don’t remember,” he mumbled.

“Then you’re not going on the stand,” she frowned. “That’s the last time I’m having this discussion. Now, go home and get some rest.”

“Fine,” he muttered as he stood up from the desk. He was escorted out of the courtroom by the bailiff; as he walked through the side door and down to the back of the court house, he tried to keep an eye out for Olivia but couldn’t see her. He hailed a cab and made his way home; once he was in the safety of his apartment, alone, he felt too emotionally drained to do anything so he went to bed.

  

Days passed as the jury deliberated; with each passing day, Rafael got increasingly nervous; after three days, they came back with a verdict. Rafael stood still behind the defence desk, in a black suit, as he waited for the verdict to be read; his heart racing, _I didn’t do this,_ he thought. Before the jury entered, he turned to Rita and whispered, “What are my chances?”

“I honestly didn’t think they would be out for this long, so I’m not sure,” Rita shrugged, “It could be a good thing for us.”

The courtroom was silent as the jury shuffled into the room; soon after the Judge entered, “Have the jury reached a verdict?” the Judge sighed as she took a seat.

“We have Your Honour,” a woman juror nodded.

Turning her gaze to Rafael; the Judge gave him a pity look as she said, “What verdict have we come to?”

“With the charge of Second-Degree murder, we the jury find the defendant,” she paused, “Guilty.”

The courtroom fell into uproar; feeling numb Rafael turned everything out, “Guilty?” he whispered out of breath. Unable to catch his breath he leaned on the table in front of him; his head was spinning as he looked over his shoulder to find Olivia standing behind him. Everything felt slow, unreal… Like a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from.

As the Judge banged on the gavel she yelled, “Quiet in my courtroom!” When everyone calmed down, she sighed, “Mr Barba.”

Rafael slowly turned his gaze towards the front of the room; “Y-yes Your Honour?”

“It gives me great pain to do this but you’re sentenced to 25 years-“

As she spoke Rafael tuned out; _I didn’t do it… Did I?_ he thought. _Guilty… I’m guilty… I must have killed him, I deserve this-_ Rafael’s thoughts were cut short by the bang of the gavel; shortly after the Judge stood up and left.

While Rafael stood there, he felt a soft touch on his back; when he turned to face her, she cried, “I’m sorry.”

“I-I… I’m sorry,” Rafael mumbled as he took a step towards her.

Olivia quickly wrapped her arms around him; “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t want this,” she wept.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly, “I must have… I’m so sorry I did this to you,” he sniffled, “I deserve this. For Noah.”

“I love you,” she sobbed into his shoulder.

“I don’t deserve you,” he laughed a little. “I love you so much.” When he felt the bailiff tap his shoulder, he let go of Olivia; he turned to the officer and nodded solemnly as he drew a deep breath. He took a few steps towards the door before looking over his shoulder; he saw Olivia with tears rolling down her cheeks. He quickly glanced over to the officer before doing something stupid. He quickly changed directions and ran back to Olivia, wrapping his arms around her and giving her a kiss. Tears escaped his eyes as he kissed her, knowing this would be the last time for a while. The bailiff roughly took hold of his arm and pulled him away from Olivia once again and pushed him out of the court room.

 

*

 

Three months later, Rafael was quietly waiting behind a closed cell door, “You’ve got a visitor,” a guard mumbled as he opened the door.

“Who?” Rafael asked.

“Who do you think?” the guard frowned, “Only person who visits you.”

 _Olivia,_ he smiled.

“Come on,” he huffed, “I ain’t got all day.”

Rafael nodded as he stepped out of his cell and walked down towards visitation; the guard occasionally pushing him forward, making him stumble. Once he reached the door, he waited impatiently for it to be unlocked; after a loud buzz the guard behind him mumbled, “Booth 5.”

“Okay,” Rafael nodded as he shuffled into the room. He passed four empty booths before his eyes finally rested on Olivia; she was dressed in a big winter trench coat that wrapped around her waist. Rafael rushed to his seat and smiled as he took hold of the phone; he waited until Olivia did the same before saying, “God you’re a sight for sore eyes.”

“Rafael-” she sighed.

“I wasn’t expecting you today,” he interrupted, “Has it been two weeks already? My sense of time in here has been out of tune lately.”

“Rafael,” Olivia mumbled, “I have something to say.”

“Oh?” he questioned, “That sounds serious.”

“I’m leaving New York,” Olivia sighed.

Rafael’s hand around the phone tighten as he pressed it to his ear, “What do you mean you’re leaving? For how long?”

“Indefinitely,” she mumbled, “I resigned this morning.”

“What?” he said confused, “How?”

“I have to do this Rafael,” Olivia mumbled, “I’ve got to let go.”

“When we got married you promised me a life time with you and now, you’re leaving me here to rot alone?” he frowned. “I didn’t mean do it!”

“I know,” she nodded.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he growled, “You know if I was myself, I would never have killed Noah.”

“I know you didn’t do it,” she sighed.

Rafael paused as he stared at her through the glass, “Where was that support a few months ago?”

“It had to be that way,” she muttered, “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” he questioned, “Do you honestly believe I suffer in here alone?”

“No, I always knew you were innocent,” she whispered. Rafael remained quiet, as he looked at her confused; she drew a deep breath as she said, “Hon, I made a deal with the devil.”

“What are you talking about?” he frowned.

“Carter and I made a deal when Noah went missing,” Olivia sighed.

“It’s not your fault he lied,” Rafael sighed.

“That’s the thing,” she mumbled, “He kept his end of the bargain… and I kept mine.”

He watched as Olivia turned her gaze to someone else in the room, placing her phone on the table; Rafael leaned forward trying to see around the corner as she gestured them forward. “Who are you looking at?”

“Don’t be scared,” Olivia whispered. After a moment a small boy appeared, hood up and sunglasses on.

“Olivia?” he mumbled into the phone.

Olivia slowly picked up the phone and said, “Someone wanted to say goodbye before we left.”

Rafael’s eyes were fixed on the small kid as he slowly removed his hood revealing blonde hair; his heart was beating hard against his chest as he stared at the boy, mouth ajar. _He’s alive_ , Rafael thought as he was overcome with a mixture of emotions. His eyes never leaving Noah, he pushed his anger aside as he placed a hand on the thick plastic window that separated them. Rafael eyes watered as he watched Noah placed his own, smaller, hand on his; unable to believe his eyes, Rafael couldn’t help but smile. Frozen in the moment with his son, he didn’t feel the tear rolling down his cheek.

Noah slowly picked up the phone with his spare hand, “Hi Daddy,” he smiled.

“H-H,” Rafael faltered as more tears fell, “Noah, I’m s-so happy to see you.”

“Mommy says we have to move,” he sighed.

Rafael flicked his gaze to Olivia as she shook his head, “I-I don’t want you to go.”

“I don’t wanna go,” Noah sniffled.

When Rafael saw Olivia reach for the phone he rushed, “Noah, know that I love you. I always have and always will.”

“I love you Daddy,” he smiled.

Olivia removed the phone from Noah and placed it on her own ear, “We’ve got to go.”

“No,” Rafael sniffled, “Don’t leave me.”

Olivia sighed as she placed the phone back on the hook and stood up; Rafael watched as Noah’s hand fell away from the window. Olivia wrapped her thick trench coat around her waist before taking hold of Noah’s hand.

When Noah waved at Rafael, he shouted, “Don’t go! Don’t take him from me again!” Olivia did her best to ignore him as she started to walk away. Rafael quickly stood up and walked quickly to the booth next to him as he watched them; he did this until he reached the last booth, “DON’T LEAVE ME HERE! I LO-ve you,” his words turned into a whisper as she disappeared from his view. His heart was breaking as he stood there, staring out the scratched plastic window. Tears falling willingly down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the sequel. I hope you've enjoyed it this far... There most likely will be another part to this story (Which I promise will be kind to Rafael haha).
> 
> Now that you know the big plot twist at the end, if you enjoyed it enough, I hope that you'll go back and re-read this story and see a few things with a new perspective when it comes to Olivia and her behaviour.


End file.
